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Just Said Yes April 2022

Brothers new girlfriend

Eva, on April 13, 2021 at 2:20 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 17

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Dear Reader,

Im having my destination wedding next year. Im running into an invite issue. My brother just started seeing this new girl like maybe two months ago. She has 2 little ones. The issue is I don't want to invite her and her kids.
1. Me and my future hubby have never met her or her children2. There relationship is very new. (Even if my mom insists they are getting pretty serious)3. Because its a destination wedding there is limited # of people the villa can feed. If she and her kids come we are over the max guest limit and would have to have someone come in and cater all week for every meal.4. Its almost $600 a person to eat for the entire week. (For the villa to feed the guests) We really cant afford to feed 3 more guests.5. We already told FH cousin he cant bring his girlfriend of 5yrs because of these reasons.
We thought about saying she can go but her kids cant. But we have other family members with kids that we have already oked for them to bring. Its only 2 but it seems rude to not let her bring her kids but let my other brother and FH brother bring there kids. How do we explain (without potentially damaging my relationship with my brother) that he cant bring them to the wedding.

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17 Comments

Latest activity by Judith, on April 13, 2021 at 9:07 PM

June 2021
Dj Tanner · on April 13, 2021 at 2:28 PM
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As much as I understand that couples are social unit and so on and so forth, you absolutely do not have to invite her children! Do you expect to have 100% guest attendance for your destination wedding? If you really can’t afford to add her on, then just explain to your brother. If he can’t go, then he can’t go. She wasn’t in the picture at the time when you selected your venue, and given your particular situation, if your venue will not allow you to add any more than what can you do. If he chooses to not go that would be unfortunate, but it is a reality that he may not go. I think it’s even more likely that you’re FHs cousin might not go to to be honest especially if they live together.
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Expert September 2021
MK · on April 13, 2021 at 2:36 PM
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My first reaction to this is that if you don't want the kids there, you really don't have to explain yourself. I really don't feel like you need to go back and forth with it, if you don't want them there, that's enough to not invite them--cost or not! My guests know, and have known, we aren't having any kids at all at the wedding and we expect that they make their own arrangements for child care - that's not our issue. If they don't want to leave the kids at home, they can simply decline our invite.
I think as an adult, your brother and your family should understand this decision and not take offense to it! ESPECIALLY with a wedding and price tag like this.
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Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on April 13, 2021 at 2:39 PM
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You know your brother better than we do. I recommend being honest with him about the extra costs. If you would like, you can even ask him if he and his gf are willing to pay the additional $600.
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Super July 2023
Eniale · on April 13, 2021 at 2:56 PM
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I feel like any reasonable person would realize that it is unfair to expect someone to pay an additional $1800 so that their girlfriend of two months and her two children can accompany them to a wedding at a villa where the guests' food expenses for the week are being paid.
Have you talked to your brother? Maybe he already assumes she won't be included. I would consider talking to him and explaining your predicament. You're looking at an additional $2000 for people who weren't in the picture when you selected your venue and set your budget. That's quite a hefty number.
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Devoted July 2023
Scandalousrandallous · on April 13, 2021 at 3:06 PM
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"This is an all-inclusive trip on our tab so we have full control over who we want there. Iʻm sorry you guys are new and she has kids but itʻs just not in the cards for us right now. Youʻre my brother and I love you, I want you on my wedding day but please try to understand the predicament this puts us in..."
Also, is there an option C) where she joins him on the trip, but not necessarily at the wedding? Like they can pay their own way to have a vacation and join you for the week of celebrations without breaking the bank on your wedding? Just a thought in case this goes terribly wrong between you and your brother
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Super November 2021
Heather · on April 13, 2021 at 3:42 PM
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Just let him know you guys already have everything set and do not want to make any additions/changes. Hopefully he understands as I am sure he would love to have her company there. But at the end of the day it's about you and your FH. Therefore, he should be more understanding in that sense.
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VIP June 2019
Hanna · on April 13, 2021 at 3:57 PM
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I would invite her but not her kids. I would also reconsider your decision to not let your FH's cousin bring his significant other of 5 years. That is a long and serious relationship, and what if they get engaged before your wedding?
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Master July 2018
Mcskipper · on April 13, 2021 at 4:00 PM
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The fact that the wedding is NEXT YEAR is extremely important here. By then you should have had the chance to get to know her so the excuse of not will be off the table. I do, however, think it is TOTALLY fair to invite her but NOT her children, even if other kids are invited. The other kids currently are family. She is your brother’s plus one. Your brother should get the plus one though, but doesn’t need a plus 3. A guest of your guest doesnt need to turn into a whole family invite.

I would also caution you to not be too hasty here. If their relationship does speed up and you get to know them, you may find yourself with instant nieces and nephews. My brother dated a woman with children and before I met the kids , I wouldn’t have thought to add them to my guestlist, but once they did they were instant family, and my sentiments definitely changed.
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Expert October 2018
Janet · on April 13, 2021 at 4:42 PM
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I agree with this. Invitations shouldn't of even gone out yet if the wedding is next year. It's not like the wedding is in 2 months and this was just sprung on the bride.
The kids don't need to be invited, but if they are still together by the time you send out invites, the gf should be included.
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on April 13, 2021 at 4:46 PM
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You don't have to invite her kids. Period. They're the kids of your brother's very new gf, you have no direct relation with them.

I also wouldn't worry about this until closer to the wedding.
I do find it in bad taste to exclude a 5 year SO when travel is required
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Just Said Yes April 2022
Eva · on April 13, 2021 at 4:54 PM
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I wont have met her as we live because they live in idaho and i live in Virginia...
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Expert May 2016
needmorewine · on April 13, 2021 at 5:15 PM
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It's way too early to be determining the final guest list now. You're not obligated to invite her children, however if your brother is still in a relationship at the time invitations go out, which should be around 8-12 weeks before the wedding then she should be invited as his SO. It doesn't matter if you have met her or not, it's about being a good host to your guests and putting their comfort first- in this case your brother. Would you be ok with him not attending the wedding, or possibly damaging your relationship with him because of this?
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Devoted October 2021
Kk · on April 13, 2021 at 5:16 PM
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Then video chat them. Distance can't really be that much of an excuse not to meet your brothers significant other in 2021.
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Super March 2021
Kimberly · on April 13, 2021 at 5:56 PM
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^this 100%.
Even if their relationship is new (per you). They will have been together a year at least by the time of your wedding. That’s no longer a new relationship. Girlfriend should be invited but agree there is no reason to include her children.
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VIP October 2022
Samantha · on April 13, 2021 at 6:37 PM
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These things are always tricky. It’s a pretty common conundrum these days, the big family vacation and associated children, gf’s etc.
Since it’s moving pretty quickly and your brother is already involved in the kids lives, who knows, they could be living together or even married by next year.
The only answer is what works for you, and what decision you can live with. I know someone who married a woman with seven adopted and foster children that were school age, and older adult children as well. He also had three children. Their family dynamic was radically changed, and he loves every minute of it, and his kids and relatives see how happy he is and accept their children with open arms. But...holidays will never be the same again.
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Expert August 2021
Ingrid · on April 13, 2021 at 8:05 PM
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I think you have too many different rules for different people. I know it's hard to draw the line in the sand but all of the rules should apply to all people equally. I can't imagine keeping all if the yes you can but no you cants straight.
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Master 0000
Judith · on April 13, 2021 at 9:07 PM
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There is no way to explain basic rude behavior, in a nice way. By the time of your wedding, if still together, they will have been for more than a year. If they date exclusively, and consider themselves committed to one another, you must expand your venue to accommodate them. If you have any intention of inviting your brother to any part of this, she should be invited also. As for your cousin, he should have been invited with his gf of 5 years or not at all. You do not have to choose a venue where the food is 600 for each, or with limited space or many days or away from home. But you must choose one big enough for family you want there, and their SO. Or don't invite the SO which is an act of hostility to your brother, and don't expect he will come either.
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