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Cait
Dedicated June 2020

Brother as groomsman

Cait, on December 1, 2019 at 11:11 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 23
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We have are wedding party. My brother will be one of the groomsmen. He wants to attend the wedding and be a part of or day. But he doesn't agree with getting wedding party photos, having his clothes chosen so all the guys match, and even being part of the table for at least the wedding toast. Afterwords he can go sit and mingle with his best friend whom we are inviting for him. I dont know what to do. Hes my brother and hes good friends with my groom and want to share this day with him but it doesn't feel like he really wants to do the same. He almost broke into yelling tonight in a restuarant about the fact that we bought all the ties and socks for the groomsmen as their wedding party gifts.

23 Comments

Latest activity by Samantha, on December 4, 2019 at 2:32 PM
  • Yoice
    VIP March 2019
    Yoice ·
    • Flag
    Maybe let him be just your brother and a guest. He can get ready with the guys and do guys things and be part of that with his own outfit he picks and be part of some photos without being next to the groom and a groomsman. He can just be your brother.
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  • V
    Dedicated August 2020
    Valerie ·
    • Flag
    Make him an usher!
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  • Neeva
    Rockstar September 2020
    Neeva ·
    • Flag

    Have you asked him why he doesn't want to do those things?

    If he doesn't want to do the things required, it doesn't make sense for him to be a groomsmen. I would just make him a guest as your brother and in the family photos in whatever suit he chooses. The last thing you want is conflict on your wedding day!

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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    Tell him to attend as a guest.
    • Reply
  • Cait
    Dedicated June 2020
    Cait ·
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    His issue is he doesn't understand why he has to do the traditional wedding things. Hes ok about being a groomsman and wants to be a part of our day. Which is why I dont get his behavior
    • Reply
  • Neeva
    Rockstar September 2020
    Neeva ·
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    Unfortunately, he won't even do the bare minimum of wearing the outfit and standing with everyone which is what a groomsmen is.

    So I think he just wants to be your brother and you have to demote him. He will still be a part of your big day that way

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  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    Have a heart to heart about how you need to him to be there for your big day and be a team player. I think men do not always get certain things about weddings and maybe this is now how he would do his. At the end of the day tell him you need him to be supportive even if he does not like how it is being done. If he is really adamant then ask him if he is ok being a groomsman. You do not want bad blood so do not imply that he should not be in the party but maybe have him come to his own conclusions if he cannot get on board.

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  • Amber
    Super September 2020
    Amber ·
    • Flag
    Maybe he's jealous 🤷
    If he has all those issues I would just not have him in as an groomsmen and just have him attend as an guest.
    • Reply
  • Dk
    Savvy September 2020
    Dk ·
    • Flag
    Set clear boundaries of what a groomsman in your wedding entails. Wearing matching outfits, taking photos, sitting at the wedding table, etc.


    If he doesn't agree, then he made the choice for you. Don't let him confuse you. He has said no to all of it, so he has given you his answer. He will be part of your day just by attending the wedding.
    Maybe give him the honor of walking your mom to her seat. That way, he can wear whatever he wants and be part of the ceremony.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith Online ·
    • Flag
    Matching outfits are not always necessary, and if he knows others do not always match all bridesmaids or all groomsmen, he is probably trying to get out of it. But bride chooses for her people, and groom for his, and if you want matching, he has to do it, or not take part. He could be an usher. Ushers need only dress nicely, as a guest would, not matching. And seating people is the only thing. He need not sit with wedding party or do photos. Sounds more his speed. Whose idea was it for him to be GM?
    • Reply
  • Simone
    Dedicated April 2021
    Simone ·
    • Flag
    If he has an issue with doing those things then I suggest making him an usher or a guest.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    Maybe he can walk you down the aisle along with your father in lieu of being a part of the groomsmen. Then he can wear what he wants and still be involved in some way?

    • Reply
  • Cher Horowitz
    Master December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
    • Flag

    If he's uncomfortable with having photos taken of him in the wedding party, he can attend as a guest. Ask him which he'd feel more comfortable with!

    • Reply
  • B
    Super July 2018
    Brittany ·
    • Flag

    Your situation sounds a little more extreme than mine but my brother wasn't too thrilled with needing to get a certain suit and bow tie, being in front of everyone and being in photos either. He was going to do it regardless because he wanted the honor of being a groomsmen but our concern was would he continue to complain. My mom had several talks with him and everything went great. I actually think he enjoyed being a groomsman. So maybe it's time for "Mooommmmm brother is being a pain, can you talk to him"

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  • Cait
    Dedicated June 2020
    Cait ·
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    Pretty much the same situation. It helps that he doesn't want to upset mom right now with her health. His bridesmaid match is a close friend of the family and is like a sister to us both. She is also helping to keep him in line with promises of discount clothing gear he wants. It just hurts to keep hearing him complain when he said he wanted to be a part of our day. Even if he wasn't a groomsman he'd still fuss about things along with the wedding cause it's not his usual scene. If he had his way he'd wear Jean's or khakis and a tuxedo printed shirt with army boots
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  • Devoted June 2020
    ·
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    I would say make him an usher!
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  • Kari
    VIP May 2020
    Kari ·
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    Well its your wedding and if you and your FH want traditional wedding parties and groomsmen that match then you are the ones who get a say in that. If your brother doesn't want to participate in those things, then he doesn't want to be a part of the wedding party and he should just a guest. He can be in some extra photos as a family member (you can define/organize your photos however you see fit) but he doesn't get to be a groomsmen if he isn't willing to commit to the things you want your groomsmen to do.

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  • Cheryl
    Dedicated June 2021
    Cheryl ·
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    "He doesn't want to do the traditional wedding things", so then he shouldn't -- when it's HIS wedding. But since it YOUR wedding and you DO want to do the traditonal wedding things, that's your and your grooms choice. Your brother's ONLY choice is to get on board and get out of the wedding party. Sorry to say it, but he's being selfish and being a brat. Of course, he will probably say YOU and your groom are being selfish, but when it's YOUR wedding, you're allowed. You and your groom have to make a choice here.

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  • Jennifer
    VIP August 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    I agree with Judith! He isn't even doing the bare minimum, so he should be an usher or a guest. This is a weird stance for him to take, but to each their own I guess!

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  • Jennifer
    VIP August 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    Also this!!!! She said it perfect!

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