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Savvy September 2022

Bridesman

Jen, on October 29, 2020 at 2:22 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 42

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Hi Everyone, I feeling really down about asking my brother to be a bridesman at our wedding. I know that sides don’t have to be even, but I want them to be. My fiancé has three groomsmen and I had two bridesmaids. I wanted my brother to be a groomsman, but then we would have had 4 and 2. I thought about having him as a bridesman instead. It would mean more to me anyways as he close to me and should be on my side (screw gender norms, right?). Anyways, I asked my mom if she thought he would be offended if I asked him. She said no, but she didn’t like the idea. I talked her into it, and told her it would be up to my brother anyways. I asked him and he seemed happy about it. I said if he would rather be on the grooms side, I would make it happen, but he was happy to be on the brides side.

Fast forward to now. I didn’t realize that my father didn’t know. We were all sitting together as a family, and my mom brought up a friend of hers who’s son was just a bridesman in his sisters wedding. This makes her feel good and like it’s normal to have a bridesman or something. My dad scoffs and says that weird and ridiculous and what about traditions, and on and on. I stopped him and said before you dig any deeper my brother is going to be a bridesman at our wedding. He quickly stopped complaining, but I feel really bad about putting my brother in the situation. I hope he can enjoy himself and not be self conscious. Why can’t people just be open minded?

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42 Comments

Latest activity by Flora, on November 7, 2020 at 9:12 AM

Master October 2020
Yasmine · on October 29, 2020 at 2:24 PM
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Awww that sucks, who says people have to follow tradition anyways? I HATE that people can't be open minded and accept certain things like that, same sex marriages, etc. It's annoying. I hope that your brother can enjoy himself as a bridesman and no one makes any rude comments.
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VIP August 1997
Belle · on October 29, 2020 at 2:33 PM
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Many people still have this issues. Just keep it as planned. Don’t worry about “what people would think”, you can’t please everyone anyway.
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Dedicated October 2021
Kieu · on October 29, 2020 at 2:37 PM
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Bridesmen are becoming more common nowadays. And in all respects, he is your brother and has made it clear he is happy to stand beside you, so I don't think you need to be too concerned about him. Everyone will always have opinions about your wedding, but you do you!
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Devoted October 2021
Taylor · on October 29, 2020 at 2:37 PM
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Please try not to stress about this! You can’t please everyone, so do what makes you happy for your day. Your brother doesn’t mind so you shouldn’t either! And if it’s worth anything, I was in a wedding about two years ago and I was a groomswoman and the bride had a bridesman! I think it’s becoming increasingly more common 😊
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Master 0000
Judith · on October 29, 2020 at 2:42 PM
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I recall a couple of snarky folks saying something about some bridesmen in weddings in the last few yeas. And always a much larger number who would tell them off and say how great it was. Your brother is a young man. Treat him like one. Let him take pride in who he his, what he is doing, and the heck with the nasty boy types who live to male others' lives worse.
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Savvy September 2022
Jen · on October 29, 2020 at 3:16 PM
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Thanks true. Sometimes it’s hard being an older sibling to remember that they make their own decisions and are solely responsible for them. All I can do is leave the door open for him if he’s not comfortable. Hopefully we can use this as an opportunity for all family members to see that times are changing. I hope to see more bridesmen and groomswomen in the future
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Expert October 2021
Rabreena · on October 29, 2020 at 3:19 PM
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Don't stress about it! I believe that if in any kind of way your brother was uncomfortable with the idea of doing so he would let you know. If that is how you want your special day to be that is all that truly matters. Whether friend(s) or family do not let their thoughts or opinions about this affect you. I really love the idea of you having your brother as a bridesman and think it's a great decision!

My fiance and I asked my son, from my previous marriage, if he would rather be on my side (as a bridesman) or on my fiance's side as a junior groomsman. He is choosing to stand on my fiance's side, and if anyone thinks differently of it, I don't care who, then he/she doesn't have to stay for our wedding.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on October 29, 2020 at 3:24 PM
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The only person that should feel down is your father for being so closed minded and judgmental. It's 2020, get over it.
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Savvy September 2022
Jen · on October 29, 2020 at 3:28 PM
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I guess I’m mostly taken back by my parents reaction. I have always considered them to be open-minded when it came to my sister and I. My father especially always pushed us to do things like change our own oil and other stereotypically “male tasks.” I pursued a male dominated career with their support. I guess there is still a double standard for men, which is really unfortunate. I can’t see them being this upset I was going to be a groomswoman.
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Expert October 2021
Rabreena · on October 29, 2020 at 3:34 PM
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Unfortunately I can see where you would get that idea especially from their reaction(s), and it does sound if as there is still the double standard fro men, sadly. As long as you, your fiance and your brother are happy with the decision keep at it with the planning and everything will turn out beautifully!
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Devoted May 2021
Jasmine · on October 29, 2020 at 3:51 PM
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I think it’s fine. How old is your brother? Shouldn’t this be his decision if he’s comfortable with it or not?
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Super May 2021
Stacey · on October 29, 2020 at 3:59 PM
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Weddings have evolved, but older generations (and I don't mean that in a derogatory way) don't always adapt with the times. Things like mixed gender wedding parties, honeymoon funds, etc. are all things that are totally the norm today, but older generations just haven't (or won't) adapted to. Don't let your parents reaction get to you - hopefully they will catch up with the times and be supportive, or at least keep their opinions to themselves if not.
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Savvy September 2022
Jen · on October 29, 2020 at 4:06 PM
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He’s 20 so it’ll all up to him. I think he is too nice to say something though, if he changes his mind.
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on October 29, 2020 at 4:29 PM
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My brother was a bride's man in my wedding and my husband's female best friend was a groomswoman. No one thought it was weird and if they did oh well. It is your wedding so you should do whatever you want. My brother didn't feel weird about it at all. He felt honored to be a part of our day. My brother also gave a speech rather than my sister who was my maid of honor since she doesn't like public speaking.
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Master April 2021
Michelle · on October 29, 2020 at 5:23 PM
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It’s your wedding- do it your way! Don’t change your plans or vision over 1 person’s comments!
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Just Said Yes June 2021
Ariel · on October 29, 2020 at 6:31 PM
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It's totally normal! I've been to a wedding where a woman was on the groom's side and had a really smart looking tux on. In fact, my own wedding will have my fiancé's sister as one of his "groomsmen" and I've told her she could wear a dress or pants to match the guys. Having your brother stand up with you sounds like a great idea!
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Expert October 2020
Kimberly · on October 29, 2020 at 9:28 PM
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My brother was my man of honor and he had a blast doing it! It’s all about perspective. As long as you and your brother know it’s a place of honor by your side that’s what counts in the end. Everyone will have their two cents about every little thing. I can’t tell you the debates we had to listen to on the smallest things like if a veil had to have a blusher on it or could be one layer. Oof - you can’t really escape weird little opinion moments that make mountains out of mole hills during wedding planning.
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on October 30, 2020 at 4:14 AM
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Bridesmen are super common in my circles, to the point where I had one, and DH had two groomswomen.
(And we had uneven sides.)
The people we picked were closest to *us* and we didn't give a fig about gender. My bridesman is essentially my brother from another mother - to the point that the week of, he was offering to drive my parents and the rest of us around NYC! (And he's also modest and tried to refuse dinner until I basically dragged him into the restaurant and said, SIT, MY DAD ADORES YOU.)
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Master 0000
Judith · on October 30, 2020 at 10:45 AM
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People are open minded to an extent. But for a lot of people , they don't picture what you want. My youngest and only shy brother was asked to be a groomsman by favorite cousin. Same age, lived up the street, friends not just relatives. He was all " I'll think about it. " Till he got me alone and asked, will he have to wear a peach or aqua suit, like the BM and flower girls? Or a regular guy one. Then he asked about sleepovers and manicures. He has been around the house when 7 weddings went on. And While he did not expect to lol asked to crossdresss, he was not sure how far the "girlieness" would extend.
And I noticed he told his then 19 year old friends, the bride's father will escort her, I will help seat older family, then be like a brother on her side. Making the role less ambiguous, and less open to kidding than Bridesman.
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Master October 2019
Meghan · on October 30, 2020 at 10:47 AM
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Don’t let your dads poor attitude about your decisions affect you! My wife and I both had bridesmen and I would not change it for anything! You can literally do anything you want for your wedding. As long as you are happy and your brother is on board, that is all that matters!
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