Bridesmaids help

Yes! All of this. If anyone is being controlling here, it's you. Your bridesmaids shouldn't have to wear their hair the same way. Everyone has different lengths/styles/textures/etc. which can't achieve the same look. Even if you do decide to kick her out of the bridal party, which you shouldn't, it would be incredibly rude to replace her.

I agree that you shouldn't kick her out over this, I think it's reasonable for her to be upset over the hair situation if it would require a wig or extensions. As for the rest of it (her being combative), that's up to you. Just know that a bridesmaid is not expected to do more than buy the right dress and stand next to you on your wedding day. Anything else (helping with planning, crafting, pre-wedding events) is just extra if they decide they want to be that involved. If you do kick her out, I don't think you should replace her with a "backup bridesmaid". If the replacement girl didn't make the cut first time around, she shouldn't be a bridesmaid just for numbers.

A wig or extensions? Wow.

I get that there is certainly more to the story, from both your perspectives, that you haven't shared, but from an outsider's perspective, I agree that this doesn't reflect well on you. It sounds like you have very high expectations regarding what you want your wedding party to do. Requiring "matching" hair and shoes (Are you paying for both? If not, those are excessive expectations/requirements), and having bachelorette party planning meetings, are generally considered pretty "extra." If this woman has been a good friend, and she already "demoted" herself because "it was too much time to devote to the job...", I think that should have been a BIG hint to you to step back and think about your expectations. Being in a friend's wedding isn't a job. As others have said, the only true expectation is that she shows up for the wedding in the dress you've chosen. All the other stuff might be fun extras for those who choose to participate, but most people would never consider them "requirements." Good luck to you!

I can only assume if you are requesting all that for hair, you were 100% covering cost of hair stylist & extensions/wig? I didn't deal with any of this, because I was super relaxed with my bridesmaids. I gave them parameters, they picked their dresses. They picked their shoes & jewelry. They picked their hair & makeup, and I paid for it (unless they wanted it done themselves). I'm not a fan of the bridesmaid robot look. If you kick her out of your bridal party, I'd be prepared for the friendship to end.

You dont' get to tell your BM's what to do with their hair, or what shoes to wear for the bachelorette (seriously with that one?!?) Let your BM's wear their hair however they are comfortable. You're creating this drama - not her.

Whoa, that's a lot to unpack. I will just agree with what everyone said about the hair extensions/wig and shoes and meetings, etc.

I think the bottom line is this: Do you care about her as a person? Is your friendship more important than how she looks on the day of your wedding? If the answer to both of those is NOT "yes", then kick her out and move on with your life.

Please PLEASE do not replace her though. I truly don't understand how in wedding world loved ones replaceable. And what would even be the purpose?

Wow. So, I’m in my cousins’ wedding and am also planning my own. My cousin is having ALL of us wear the same dress, shoe and hairstyle. So much so that we have to get our hair done by HER stylist. I like a uniform look and am also going to have all of my girls wear the same dress, shoe and hairstyle. They can choose hair color and their own hairstylist, I don’t care that much. I do expect that we all look the same. I don’t like the idea of different dresses, hair and shoes. Personally, I think that looks tacky. I disagree with people that say, “A bridesmaid only has to get the dress and stand with you.” No, they opted to participate and therefore, shouldn’t have much push back about the vision you have for the people that’s going to be in your pictures and standing with you on your day. For instance, I sent my MOH a potential bridesmaid dress. She offered constructive criticism on why that dress wouldn't work for her. I won't go for that dress because I do want my girls to be comfortable. However, we do have to agree on a potential style. So, yes, I would have a conversation with that person and also clarify that this is what you would like and unfortunately, if she can’t comply – she has to go. Her wedding, her day. Your wedding, your day. Now, making her choose your hairstylist would be overboard lol. However, I don't know if it's a cultural thing but I'm AA and buying wigs and extensions is absolutely not a big deal whatsoever. Now, things that are questionable is forcing someone to alter their hair completely. I am a natural styled girl meaning I do not put harsh chemicals or heat in my hair. No, I would not get a perm for my cousin and she would have to work with me there. But, I will have to get this hairstyle and go to her person because that's what I agreed upon when I signed up.