Bridesmaids for destination weddings

I’m in a similar situation- DW next May. I’ve got concerns about 1 BM financially too. I think you asked this friend to be a BM for a reason so I think I’d wait before replacing her. I wouldn’t worry about it too much until 6ish months from your date, assuming your BMs order their dress 4 months ahead of time. I’d revisit the convo with her again at that time, if she hasn’t definitively said she can’t attend.

Do you know how much it will cost per person for hotel, airfare etc yet? If so, make sure she’s got the exact details. If you’re working with a travel agent, ask if your agent does payment plans - that could help a lot of guests out! Is there another single friend going who she could split a room with to help costs?

View Quoted Comment I’ve told her all of the prices a month ago. I’m scared to wait 6 months because if she can’t go, we will have an extra groomsman and not enough bridesmaids. 😩 flights are $600 and it’s $40 per person, each night at an all inclusive resort. So it would depend on how many days she wanted to come

I have to ask- where are you getting married that it’s only $40/person per night?! That’s a great deal. I’m looking for flights for end of April/early May 2020 and Ive only seen one airline that’s released their flights out that far, so I’d be cautious of that price.

There’s no rule that you have to have even sides for your BP, but as a Type A person myself, this would bother me too! Unfortunately you kind of have to roll with it when it comes to attendance at a DW. Do you have another friend who will definitely be attending as a guest? Maybe you could ask this person to step in if your original BM can’t make it?

I do not like replacing a bridesmaid cause it sends the I only asked you for even numbers message. It is sad she can’t make it but finances change.

View Quoted Comment Renting a air band b and having bridesmaids split it can be way cheaper then a hotel room.

If you feel bad about wasting $50, then imagine how bad your BM would feel spending MUCH more. Also it’s not her duty to save money for you and your wedding. So counting her finances is a bit much. She was honest.

Replacing her will definitely hurt her. She has a whole year to save up for your wedding so give her a chance. I have a very low income myself, so if it were me, I would ask my parents or FH for financial assistance. Maybe she will find a way to make it work.

About the uneven BP numbers; I have 10 brides-people while FH has only 7. One of mine is a bridesman, so he will escort two of the women down the isle. It can work with uneven numbers.

A big part of having a Destination wedding is being ready to accept that a lot of people won't be able to swing it, and that even if some people think they can, their answer can change if they fall into hard times or become pregnant and cannot travel.

Don't worry about having even sides, most brides and grooms don't anymore, and it's impossible to guarantee that sides will remain even, even if they start out that way because anything can happen. My husband and I had even sides, then his BIL ended up not being able to come because of the Navy. We didn't replace him and everything was fine.

View Quoted Comment Can she go hopper and get a different flight?

View Quoted Comment You don’t have to have even numbers,

View Quoted Comment The Allegro in Cozumel. My FH’s family has timeshare there so that’s why it’s $40 a person each night. & I just looked at the end of April & went off of what our past flights have been in May and ball-parked it at $600. I do have other friends who will be attending for sure, including one that I have been feeling guilty about not asking. But we want even numbers or it will drive us both crazy! & the only reason I’ve even been bothered by this with her finances, is because I talked to her SO many times before asking. I made sure she knew that I wouldn’t be upset if she couldn’t come and that I understood and she still said yes and acted fine about all of it. She started the conversation with “so what all am I going to have to pay for for this wedding”. And also, she lives at home and has no bills. We have over a year to save up. And I told her about the destination wedding and to start saving up months before we even got engaged. I understand things change financially, but with her having no bills or anything, it really bothered me that she’s backing out so soon.

View Quoted Comment $40 per person per night??? At a all inclusive??? Wow !! Where is this at??? Maybe I can switch my resort lol..

View Quoted Comment This. Exactly.
You can't be this upset over $50, when you're asking so much more.

View Quoted Comment It’s only $40 because we have timeshare there

So often here and on the knot, I have seen on the one side, newly engaged brides talking bridal boxes. And now married women posting over and over: Do not give presents or surprise bridesmaid boxes as a way of asking bridesmaids. Because with a bunch if presents in front of you, and someone full of expectations and no details, people often say yes because they feel pressured, then in a while, when the know details, time and finances, reverse themselves and so , Sorry, NO. As in a y other contract type situations, any agreement by 2 parties, bride should talk privately, individually, with every potential bridesmaid, before any surprises or gifts. Bride should outline her expectations, including specifics. Estimate of dress costs. Estimate of any lodging and travel costs that the couple is not offering to pay. And not an "about 400" type travel cost, which may be $400 plus tax, plus baggage fees, plus travel to and from airports, plus any other thing. I have had about $ amounts turn out to be, that much plus $300 that bride did not mention. And full lodgings. And if the restaurants are going to be expensive, a figure for daily meals that may be 3 meals for $60-90 a day including drinks, taxes, fees, needs to be mentioned. Traveling, you never are the 1 to go by yourself to McDonald's and spend $18 for 3 meals a day, when everyone is dining and drinking elsewhere. For destinations, will their be pro hair and makeup, and at what cost, if BM needs or wants it. If not destination, same question. For even the simplest mostly local weddings, brides need to check out costs. I have been asked in groups with others, where it was humiliating to be there. Where 4 or 5 of 5 there turned the bride down, after all the presents surprised the bm, and at first they did not want to say no. Or where 2 or 3 could not do it. Brides who have hysterics on the spot, or lose 2-4 friends permanently when 1 bridesmaid after another finds out real situation, and says no. I have been on destination wedding as MOH where without buying a thing but required meals, tips, and fees, the cost was $2000 when initially told $700, for 5 days. No one should have to save up for more than a couple of months before, or paying debts after, someone else's wedding. . . Your bridesmaid now has a chance to give a realistic look at her finances, and costs. She is right to let you know, as early as now. You should not be upset at spending $50 on a bunch of gifts to " propose.". The only time gifts are given before a service is done, are bribes. And that is sort of how it feels, receiving presents up front, you feel you are required under pressure to say yes. And cornered. Surprises often are not good things. You put her in that position. She owes you nothing after you spent $50 on a bride box. Had you followed traditional etiquette, nit this recent fad, you would given her all estimated costs, not off the top of your head but a breakdown of everything, then let her think about it, not influenced by gifts up front. Now you need to be gracious. Do not think badly of her because of the cost of your box. Do mot expect her to put your chosen expenses over her real life. Or to budget more than she can, leaving her no money for anything she wants, because months of discretionary money is all going to you. How will she ever save up to leave parent's home? Or for a new car? Or for her own vacation, or future wedding. . . Be nice to this friend. And learn from it. And before asking someone else, check out all travel costs inc taxes and fees. Lodgings including any daily maid tips. Real cost of restaurants and drinks out. And every other possible thing. So the next person you ask knows max cost of dress, and all things. Usual manners are for bride to ask bm what each can afford. Not doing it as you did. Too late to fix the past. But save the others who said yes from any surprises, and the next person you ask.