Bridesmaids Drama! Please help.

You plan without them. Do not keep them as bridesmaids because that is reserved only for your nearest and dearest. People who no longer communicate with you do not deserve that role because they threw it away. Don’t replace them either. It is ok to have 1 or 2 bridesmaids max.


After the wedding, reach out for a coffee date and don’t discuss the wedding at all. If they still ignore you, then you have your answer to move on. Not all friendships last forever and weddings tend to show a person’s true colors in ways you wouldn’t imagine.

It honestly sounds like you are expecting far too much out of them, and one has more or less told you exactly that. Stop being their friend "the bride" and just be the friend you've always been for the past 9 years. Dial the wedding talk waaaay back. For example, if your wedding date is accurate, it sounds like you were asking them about a bridal shower and bachelorette party plans almost a year and a half ahead of your wedding? That's just way too far in advance for events that don't typically happen until 2-3 months before the wedding. I know it's an exciting time! But not everyone is going to share that level of excitement. It's not their role or their job to help plan your wedding, even if you enjoyed helping them with those things. It is only the responsibility of you and your FH. If you are sensing that they are not interested in colors, decor, details, etc., take that cue - you may WANT them to be part of the process, but that is not their obligation. Hope you can all work it out! At the end of the day, friendships are far more valuable and worth the work.

Have you talked to them about how they've ghosted you?

If you have, and they continued to ghost you, then you have your answer.

If you haven't, reach out. Something along the lines of, "hey, we were talking every day and now I haven't heard from you in a month. Can we talk?"

This may be the time to discuss everything you are concerned about. Ask Audrey, is she resentful that you didn't go to her wedding? If she is, I am not going to be of much help, because I think that would be incredibly self-absorbed considering I assume she knows about your FH's condition and I would likely tell her as such.

If the ghosting is because you snapped at her, then apologize. You can still stand your ground on why you snapped - you feel neglected by your friends, and you are allowed to feel that way - but acknowledge if your reaction is what caused this wedge. Explain why you feel the way you do, and be open to listening to their side. Try to speak to them the way you want them to speak back: calmly and rationally. There's no reason for either side to throw around accusations or hurtful words like "tedious" (and honestly, I would absolutely tell Audrey that that comment was hurtful.)

Hopefully you can patch things up. But it's also okay for you to set your boundaries and state your feelings, and if those things make them uncomfortable, then they aren't your friends.

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Very interesting feedback, I appreciate your response!

Since it is obvious you still want a relationship with these girls, and would still like to have them in your wedding, I would not remove them as MOHs. Removing them would likely result in the permanent end to these friendships. I would reach out to them to see if they would be willing to talk, have a zoom coffee date, or even meet in person, if feasible. Go to them humbly and not defensive or accusational at all. Be transparent- let them know how much you miss them and value their friendship. Ask what you can do to make it right with them. See if you can get down to the root of the problem and move past it. It can be scary wearing your heart on your sleeve- and there’s no guarantee it will work- but at least you will know you gave it your all.
Sending you love & good vibes! I hope you can mend these friendships! And if not, then at least you found out their true nature before having them in your wedding (and having to cut them out of your wedding photos haha!)

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I really like this idea!

Something you need to really be conscious of is that while you did X,Y,Z as Aubrey’s bridesmaid, it doesn’t mean she will do the same for you, nor does she have to.

As your bridesmaid, Aubrey needs to be there to emotionally support you, and of course rock up in her dress looking respectable. Anything above that is voluntary. Thus, while you may have planned Aubrey’s bridal shower, it doesn’t mean that she (or Kelsey) have to do this for you. It would be nice of course but it is not a requirement of them being your maid/matron of honour.

Just the same, I think you need to be mindful that this last year has been nothing less than a nightmare for many people and it honestly sounds to me like Aubrey is over things at the moment and possibly has some COVID blues that are lingering. Things are slowly returning back to normal but life as we know it is still a little unsettled.

Obviously you don’t want to lose either of them so I would encourage you to extend an olive branch and try talk things out with them. Good luck!

Ask each of them straight out: do you still want to be in my wedding party, yes or know. If they say no, it does not mean the end of your friendship. But if you go on as you are with an undeclared war, you will hate each other by the wedding, and both friendships are lost forever. Sometimes you have to air things out.

I like what the other girls have said about contacting them and discussing the way they are feeling. The bridesmaid's role has many different expectations, and if there's anything I've learned from these forums, it's that! Since Audrey just got married during Covid times, she might be over the edge with wedding stuff as it was probably extremely stressful for her with having to constantly worry about numbers and changing things and masks and sanitizing. So you asking them about things for your wedding might just honestly be too much for her right now. You won't know why Kelsey isn't speaking to you until you talk to her, but it sounds like these girls think your expectations are too high. I've been trying to be very laid back with my bridesmaids and keep in mind that they have their own lives going on outside of my wedding. I think this has helped a lot with me not having too high of expectations for them.

Honestly, just reading your post started to stress me out. Engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party, what dresses they are going to wear and opinions on other various things when you are almost a year out from the wedding is a lot. It might be overwhelming them. I'd take a step back. Don't worry about the bridal shower or bachelorette party at this stage. You don't need to worry about bridesmaids dresses until 6 months out. Most wedding decisions should be made between you and your FH. Have a conversation with them about how they are feeling. See what they say. I'm sure they still want to be in your wedding and it sounds like you still want to be in yours, but having an honest conversation about where everyone is at is a good place to start.

Forget about your wedding and repair your relationship with your friends, it sounds like you miss them.
Focus on the relationship, not the wedding. If your wedding isn’t until 2022, there’s absolutely nothing for a bridesmaid to be doing now anyway, it’s too soon for dresses, too soon for shower, too soon for bachelorette. If you’ve been focused on this stuff and starting to plan your own already, this could definitely be putting stress on the friendship. If energy was low it might be more that it’s not that they’re not interested, but that it’s too much too soon. So, I’d stop all wedding talk with them, but reinvest in the rest of the friendship and make sure you’re on solid ground. Reach out as a friend, not as a bride. Depending how things go, by fall time, it’s time to start thinking about bridesmaid dresses, so if things are solid then I’d reach out with thoughts on what you want for bridesmaid dresses and make sure they’re still on board.

Hey guys! I thought I would share a little bit more background info after reading everyone’s responses. So I didn’t plan talking about any of these details with my friends, but as time went on they pressured me to have plans in place for dresses, Bach trip, etc. some that THEY could plan and budget. I didn’t even announce my bridal party right away, but they got upset so I went a formally asked everyone before I was ready. I’ve also changed my date due to COVID multiple times. I was originally suppose to get married May 2021. I appreciate the feedback!