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Expert September 2021

Bridesmaid's Betrayal

Alycia, on March 8, 2020 at 6:02 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 18

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My bachelorette party was this weekend. I live about 5hrs away from my bridesmaids. I made sure to pick a weekend we all could manage.

One of my bridesmaids is a physician's assistant. She works a crazy schedule but we found a day that worked for her.
At first she was cool and then got super angsty. She demanded we change the venue and plans so she wouldn't have to drive as far. OK I get it, no problem we accommodated her "request"
So the day of the bachelorette party she sends a group text basically accusing my maid of honor of having an infectious disease and questioning why we are even still going out because of the flu and other viruses. She adds she doesn't have an sick time and can't afford to be sick.
To be clear my moh was tired not sick, no one was ill. We were having a lowkey paint and wine night in an upscale place with no reports of coronavirus or any other kind virus.
After that she decided not to answer anyone and basically blew the whole thing off. I want to kick her out of my wedding but her sister is my best friend and bridesmaid. Any advice ?

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18 Comments

Latest activity by Rachel, on March 16, 2020 at 10:57 AM

Super August 2020
Emily · on March 8, 2020 at 6:10 PM
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Lol yikes I’d kick her out or ask her why she’s so upset about everything? It’s not her wedding so she just needs to go with the flow or surrender her role as a bridesmaid.
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Expert October 2021
Lisa · on March 8, 2020 at 6:14 PM
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Yikes! I would ask her to step-down or change her attitude. If she doesn't then I'd tell her she's not int he wedding party any longer.
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VIP September 2020
Kelsey · on March 8, 2020 at 6:17 PM
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Wow. I would talk to her sister first make sure that it's not going to hurt the relationship with her first. If she doesn't remove herself from the wedding then I would remove her as well.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on March 8, 2020 at 6:21 PM
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Shes probably going through this dilemma too right now and wondering how she can back out of the wedding from what it sounds like. Can you talk to her sister to see what’s up or if her sister is under any stress lately?? She’s already made it apparent that going out was an obligation more do then a fun time out. It may be best to just write her a note explaining that you understand she’s under a lot of stress and if she can’t be in your wedding that you understand if she no longer wants to be your bridesmaid. I would keep it super friendly. Sometimes as much as we think we know people, you might not know everything That’s going on in her life that’s she’s maybe keeping from everyone n it seems like she’s prob just stressed beyond belief especially being a pa in a time of coronavirus.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on March 8, 2020 at 6:24 PM
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I don’t think not attending a bachelorette party is a good enough reason to kick someone out of your wedding and end a friendship.
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Expert September 2021
Alycia · on March 8, 2020 at 6:50 PM
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I did reach out to her to see what could have promoted this behavior. She ignored my calls and reponded via text like, "sorry I'm a just a bad friend". She won't tell her sister what is going either. At this point I don't know if she going through something or just being awful. As a really good friend of hers I hope to be treated better.
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Expert May 2016
needmorewine · on March 8, 2020 at 6:54 PM
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I don't see how this qualifies as a betrayal. Trying to seduce your fiance would be a betrayal, not skipping out on a party. While she didn't handle things very well, bachelorette parties are completely optional and not attending isn't a reason to kick her out of the wedding.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on March 8, 2020 at 6:56 PM
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Yeah, I mean at this point you tried. Stress or not, her stress can’t ruin your wedding either. ♥️ Wish you luck and congrats
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on March 8, 2020 at 6:57 PM
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You tried so I would back off but I world talk to her sister about the situation and let her know that you hope she's OK but concerned if being in the wedding is too much. To not cause issues let the bridesmaid decide if she can be in the wedding but maybe for now don't count on her.
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on March 8, 2020 at 7:24 PM
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That’s awful I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. This whole coronavirus thing is really bringing out the crazy in some people!

Maybe talk to her sister about it not in an accusatory way but like in a “I’m not sure what to do, can you give me some advice” kind of way.
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VIP October 2021
Monica · on March 9, 2020 at 12:05 AM
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So far from what you described your friend is making demands and then making crazy Accusations and excuses, shes acting out, shes withdrawing herself by not answering calls, shes putting herself down by saying shes not a good friend. All of this tells me she’s seriously going through something. And idk how ur friend deals w her problems but sometimes instead of talking or asking for help ppl act out & withdraw. So hopefully she can talk to someone or let u knkw about what’s really going on with her.
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Dedicated September 2021
Patrice · on March 9, 2020 at 4:43 AM
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First of all, I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. It sounds like there's much more going on with her than meets the eye and it could be a number of things, from envy or jealous issues that you're getting married to maybe she's super stressed at work. Either way, as a bride, i wouldn't deal with it...because it will stress you out continually and the difficult challenge is if you continue to make concessions for her and asking others in your bridal party to do so too may build resentment and you don't need that kind of negative energy around you. You can "relieve" her of any "risks" and let her know that due to her concerns, she is still welcomed to attend as a guest since she feels like one of the bridesmaids is "contagious". It won't be an easy conversation and if you're direct, you may just have to ask what TF is her problem... It seems like it could be something going on in her world that has nothing to do with you but her lashing out is still no excuse.
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Super November 2021
Alejandra · on March 9, 2020 at 7:41 AM
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I’m not really sure that I would call this a betrayal tbh. It does sound like she flew off the handle, but I’m wondering if it’s because of stress related to her job. PAs have a lot of responsibility and depending on where she works their patients could be going crazy with coronavirus fear. It’s bound to take a toll on her eventually. Like someone else said, I don’t think not attending a bachelorette party is enough reason to kick someone out of the wedding. I would try setting up a time to talk to her and she can explain what happened and you can tell her how it made you feel.
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Expert September 2020
Emily · on March 9, 2020 at 7:21 PM
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Yeah, it's a weird time right now - I know some people who think the whole thing is a hoax, and then others that seem like they are preparing for some kind of apocalypse. She may be kind of flipping out about that, or potentially about financial issues as many of us have taken a major hit in the markets with all this as well.
It's rough, it doesn't excuse her being rude, but it may not be worthwhile to damage a friendship.
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Master October 2020
Margaret · on March 11, 2020 at 7:56 AM
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I'd find out why she behaved the way she did and ask her to kindly apologize for her behavioral. If she's unable / unwilling to do so, I'd ask her to step down. What does her sister say?
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Master May 2020
Kari · on March 11, 2020 at 9:38 AM
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I work at a college (so like a place where people are VERY concerned about coronavirus) and have several friends who work in healthcare. The hysteria around Covid19 is very real right now, and people working in healthcare sectors are dealing with a lot. How far off is your wedding?

If it's pretty close, I think a conversation with her "hey, how are you doing? you seem stressed? I care about you" would be well warranted. She might just be under an incredible amount of pressure right now because everyone is freaking out about a virus that for most is just going to be like the flu hopped up on pre-workout.

If your wedding is still some time off I would just give her and the whole virus hysteria some time to settle. It might blow over within a month or two, or the situation may become more serious. Only time will tell.
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Super June 2021
Elizabeth · on March 14, 2020 at 5:30 AM
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I agree with PPs that we're in a crazy time right now, but stress about world events/etc. doesn't give you an excuse to blow off a friend. We still have to be good people, even when we're scared or stressed at work. If she wasn't comfortable coming, that's totally fine and understandable, but ignoring you and refusing to talk about it is childish. I think having compassion for her fears and concerns, but taking a strict approach on how she treats you is the best option. I'd give her sister a heads up, but then personally I'd send a message showing compassion about whatever it is going on in her life (don't make an assumption that you know it's about the virus or anything else), but then ask/tell her to leave the wedding party. Good luck with this!
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Savvy June 2021
Rachel · on March 16, 2020 at 10:57 AM
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I wouldn't kick her out yet but I'd tell her the two of you need to have a talk to get on the same page. I understand the coronavirus is making people panicky and uneasy so that may have been her issue and she wasn't able to properly express it so that you understand. If she doesn't change her attitude when you guys talk and is still blaming others for her actions, I'd ask her if she's still interested in being in your wedding as you need people you can count on on the big day. You'd still love to have her as a guest but maybe her being in your wedding party isn't the best fit.
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