Bridesmaid/friend Advice

That is truly sad. I am sorry she did that to you and your loved ones on your wedding day. I understand your desire to want to distance yourself from her. I have had to do that in the past. That is an acceptable option in my opinion: sometimes you realize someone isn't the type of person you want in your life.

However, you could tell her how you feel. If you talk to her about your feelings, it gives her an opportunity to try to apologize and fix the situation.

Do you think the situation is fixable? Could you forgive her if she were to apologize? All things to consider when deciding what to do.

I think you should consider what’s going on with your friend emotionally vs making it all about your wedding. Clearly your friend is really self-conscious and possibly depressed about her weight and financial situation. It may come off to you like she’s just complaining, but maybe she’s really struggling. As far as her asking you to untag her- just do it. I didn’t tag any of the people in the wedding party in pictures. It’s not up to you to decide what she wants on her social media pages.

This person meant enough to you for you to ask her to be a bridesmaid, so maybe try actually having a conversation with her as that friend, instead of as a disgruntled bride.

View Quoted Comment Completely agree.

Your post is full of me, me, me.

A lot of her her complaints are indicators of insecurity and low self esteeem. Think about it. All her flaws and everything she might dislike about herself was put under a microscope on your wedding day. When you have deep rooted self esteem issues you can’t just pack them up for a day and plaster on a smile. And yeah, it is expensive to be a bridesmaid. I don’t know how old you are but when I was younger (I’m 38 now) being in friends’ weddings was something that could drain my bank account. Yet, you want to be included and involved. It’s embarrassing to say “I can’t afford it.” Now that I’m getting married, even though I only have a MOH, I’m very cognizant of the money and time that can go into the job. I bought her dress for her and didn’t get mad that she couldn’t attend my bachelorette, which was really low key and organized by another good friend. It’s not all about you, okay? Maybe she’s a little too negative but I’d like to see how you feel when all the things you’re most insecure about are put on display for 200 people to see and be photographed. Let it go and maybe reflect on HER feelings for a bit.

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I agree with this and may I add: did she pay for the HAMU or did you? because if she paid herself then she has every right to have them re-do to her standards, she's using her own money.

Its also confusing to have more than one maid of honor, you said she was a MOH but you also had a "Main" MOH, that could have caused some tension in the planning. why did she choose to agree to be one of the MOH is she didn't want to do it at all and then help plan the other events? you shouldn't have thrown any ideas for the planning and left it to whomever is hosting the events.

how reliable are the people you are getting your info from?

Think about your friend as a friend, not a bridesmaid. Being a bridesmaid is a one day thing. You seem to have lost focus of what is actually important in a friendship.

You mention that she had a bad acne issue, has gained weight, has no job and little money... I'm with others who say that she was probably feeling really terrible about herself. While she's having all of these self esteem issues, you are complaining that she didn't compliment your wedding day. Then, on top of all of these issues with her skin and weight, she has to be photographed a billion times like this and then plastered all over social media. Be compassionate for your friend, because it's rough to feel bad about yourself and then be on display and expected to tell everyone else how wonderful they are.

She probably shouldn't have complained to everyone who would listen, but I agree with PP's that this is not a wedding issue, it's a self esteem issue. She feels awful about herself and is having a hard time seeing past that right now. I'm sure her complaints were disappointing to hear, but I wouldn't dump her as friend because of it.

I honestly think she is suffering from low self esteem and depression. You stated she had acne, and gaines weight. Which when that happens to anyone it makes you feel crappy about urself. Then through in a wedding with all the other skinny bridesmaids with great skin. She was probably having a hard time. I get she probably should of tried to suck it up for your wedding day but some people cant control it and ita all they think about. If she is truly a friend i would sit down and talk to her and make sure she is okay.

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So much this..............Plus, why do you have so many friends who are tattle tales????

I don't think you should distance yourself from your friend. I think she needs you.

FH and I have a mutual friend who suffers with depression and a number of other issues including low self esteem. He's very close to us, so of course, he was one of the first people we told about our engagement. His response was very by the book and told us that something was wrong. FH was initially a little irritated that he seemed so disconnected when he considered him such a good friend, but we realized that it was an event that kind of triggered a depressive episode due to some relationship issues he's had in the past. He came back after a few hours and apologized. He's a GM and is very excited about it, but still we don't share a ton of details with him unless he asks because we know how it might eat at him. He's still happy for us and supportive, but we're doing our best to be respectful of things that might bother him, while he's working on overcoming that on a personal level.

Personal story time over. Now, while I don't think your friend should have been complaining to everyone who would listen, I think it would be terrible for her if you were to distance yourself due to "negativity." There are scenarios where someone needs to extricate themselves from a relationship for their own health, but from what you've said here, I do not think that is the case. She was important enough to you for her to stand in your wedding, she should be important enough for you to stand by her now.

She sounds like she really needs a friend right now. She wasn't complaining about your wedding. She was complaining about herself, which tells me she's dealing with some emotional issues right now. If you distance yourself from her, all that's going to do is reinforce all of the negative thoughts she's having about herself.

You should just distance yourself from her. Doesn't seem she's as close as a friend if she's acting that way.

I'll be the one to go against the grain here, but I will say I don't think you should necessarily 'leave' her as a friend. It is clear she needs a shoulder to lean on.

BUT. Her self esteem is not your issue or responsibility, especially on your wedding day. I too am overweight; I too suffer from massive self esteem issues and depression. It's not made up, she probably has it. it's very real, and it blows. But when I was in my best friend's wedding a year ago, feeling this way, I put my own issues aside so that she could fully enjoy her wedding day - the one she'd been dreaming of her whole life, the one we'd talked about for years. I paid for my own HAMU and did I love it? Not all of it; but I didn't ruin the timeline for my own benefit, I went off and quietly fixed what I didn't like myself. Did I ask her to untag me from her pics, though I felt like a whale in them? no, because these are pics she clearly treasures deeply if she is posting them. I just didn't look. Same with her video. I just didn't watch, because I knew I'd get a wave of self-conscious come over me. I never once complained or ratted her wedding details out to other people. How classless.

I'd also mention at the time I too had money issues. But my money issues are not her money issues. As a friend, I would have done anything it took to be there to support her. Yeah, it was tight. But you make room for those who make room for you. At the end of the day my best friend's happiness was the most important thing and I think any good friend would be able to see clearly enough beyond their own issues to set them aside for 6 hours so the bride can focus on what's important.

Everyone is different, sure. But I think it was low of her to sallow your day by complaining ad nauseum about everything to anyone. And pretty darn selfish. I'm sorry you dealt with this, and if it were me I'd either talk to her about it or keep a distance, but don't necessarily cut her out of your life altogether.

@cbryns - Thank you so much for your comment. I talked it over again with my husband and my sister and majority of the bridesmaids - and I think they're all on my side here, and I think you understand what I was going through.

I think it was just frustrating through this whole process because she just complained to me about everything leading up to the wedding, and made every single issue about her and what she could do. And yes, I think she is probably not mentally stable - and she has been overweight at least since High school, but what bugs me is - I've tried to be there for her and given her advice at how I lost weight during this whole wedding process, how I was eating healthy, exercising, etc. I even gave her my nutritionist's plan that I had paid for to try to help her try to become more healthy since I knew she's always claimed she wants to lose weight. But after giving her some advice and nutritionist's plan - all she said to me was making up excuses as to why she couldn't do it - like oh this doesn't taste good, or I can't do wheat and I only like regular white bread or pasta - etc etc, and I made those sacrifices and it tastes just as good. In my eyes it just seemed like she played the victim card always and made up excuses as to why she has never tried to lose weight, and then complains about being overweight, or even trying to go see her own doctor about what she can do to get healthy. On top of it, all I ever see her doing is posting on IG, FB, etc checking into places to eat 24/7 (not fast food), and posting videos, photos etc of all the food she eats, so I kinda don't have sympathy for her and I know she's not the type of person to overeat, or binge eat either so it wasn't like she had some type of eating disorder or anything - just maybe isn't in the right mind set to have a little bit of motivation or self control.

Also with money, I know she wasn't working, but her parents give her money constantly and a trust fund, which she is able to use freely - she lives at home rent free - and on top of it goes out to eat all the time, vacationing, etc - so I know she didn't have any "money problems" that she claimed. I think it's just super frustrating because if the tables were turned I wouldn't blink if she told me this costs this much and this costs this much and I would suck it up and pay for it because she's my best friend.

With everything else such as the bridal shower, and bachelorette party though - we tried playing off ideas off each other on what to do, and she really just wanted it her way only - not open for suggestions, basically calling my ideas tacky & cliche and it was just kinda hurtful with her comments and what she wanted to do, and telling me what she couldn't do . With the bridesmaid dress - after I had decided what dress I wanted the girls to wear - she told me flat out I don't want to wear that dress and started sending me other pictures of other dresses that would look better on her body type and even ones that were more expensive than the one I chose from the beginning.

I think I just need to reevaluate this friendship especially with all the negativity the day of the wedding that she expressed throughout the whole day to every single person possible, who told me what she was saying because they found it rude, upsetting, or awkward especially when she was my maid of honor. My husband and I decided to have 2 each for best man & maid of honor because I really wanted my sister, and he couldn't really decide between his two best friends and he did not want to hurt either of their feelings because he has two separate relationships with both of them.

So much wrong.

Why did everyone come to you with things about her? Did you open the conversation?

All in all it looked bad for her for acting that way. She seem to be truly going through personal issues and mishandling them - which honestly, are not up to you or anyone else to fix, these things need to come from within and will happen when she realizes her situation and decides to work on it herself.

As for you, if people tell you things about her, don't feed into the conversation. It never benefits anyone. Remember, you are friends for a reason, and if things needs to be cleared up, should be between the two of you, not involving others.

I would give her some time to cool it off. Go enjoy being married and let time heal you from being upset/disappointed, her for feeling somewhat "mistreated" at your wedding then approach her to have an honest talk (if you think the friendship is worth saving).

If she wasn't feeling up to it, she should have excused herself from being your MOH and just attended as a guest, that was really $!tt% of her to do to you but it is not water under the bridge. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change that now, so focus on the good times from that day and don't let this ruin your wedding memories.