Bridesmaid

Hey there!
First off, I’m sorry you even have to deal with this. It’s the craziest thing to me that people just can’t be happy for brides and support them in every way possible. I’ve never been pregnant, but I’ve seen firsthand how the emotions can be. This pandemic, along with other personal things her in life probably aren’t making things any better.
If I were you, I’d schedule a time to meet up (if possible- what we you do, just don’t text it lol) or maybe even FaceTime her and just chat to see where her head is at and what’s going on with her, and express how you’re feeling/ what you need from her.. that way you can get a better feel of why she’s responding the way she is. Maybe there’s something going on you don’t know about? That’s still no excuse to act that way, as she could at least communicate what’s going on instead of leaving you in the dark.Praying everything works out for you and you two are able to move past this. At the end of the day, just know that it’s all about YOU, and you deserve to have the wedding of your dreams. Don’t let anyone get in the way of that.

Do you think if perhaps the issue is that she’s busy? It does sound like she has a lot going on. That doesn’t excuse her from acting that way though because she could at least tell you what’s up.

View Quoted Comment Eh I know she’s busy but if you have time to go to cookouts, shopping etc. then I feel like she could make time to return her dress and come around and help.

View Quoted Comment I’ve tried to call, text and meet up. She never hardly replies anymore and always tells me she can’t because she’s busy, but then posts pictures of her out with other people.

What kind of dress is it? Form fitting or loose? If she's newly pregnant, are you even sure she'll be showing by the wedding? I guess I'm asking, how "new" is "newly?" I know people that haven't shown at all until 6 months. If it's a loose A-line silhouette, it may not be an issue.

It's also possible that being pregnant has altered her priorities (as it should) so she's having to move her attention and focus, which is pretty reasonable. I would talk to her about it and see if she still wants to be in the wedding party. All she really has to do is wear the dress and show up - she doesn't have to help with the shower, etc. Those are nice touches, but not required at all. If she wants to be in the wedding party and she will figure out the dress and show up, then she isn't neglecting anything.

Stop stressing about other people. If she gets the dress she stands with you, if not she's a guest. There are more important things for you to worry about now.

View Quoted Comment The dress is more form fitting. She will be 30 weeks at the time of the wedding.

View Quoted Comment See I wouldn’t stress if it weren’t for her kids being in the wedding and fearing that last minute I’ll have to find a flower girl and ring bearer. Also I’m already paying for their stuff so I don’t want to pay and then be out.

I think there is a conflict in expectations here. Just because you expect all bridesmaids to do A B & C, doesn’t mean she sees a bridesmaid as doing all of those things. It’s really hard to force someone to make your priorities their priorities. Now I do agree that you shouldn’t be expected to buy the new dress, but it seems you worked it out with DB to handle that.

So I’m getting that she has 2 kids and one on the way. That right there is enough to keep someone too busy to return a dress and also enough to keep someone too busy to help with a shower. And just because she doesn’t have time to do bridesmaid doesn’t mean she won’t have the kids there to do their roles, in fact it may be easier to help the kids if she’s not also got your expectations of doing this and that as bridesmaid.

You said her DB is open, so I, reading that she doesn’t live near you. Do you know of anyone else who does that could help her out. How close is she to DB? Mine is over an hour away and yeah if I had a limited window to get a dress back, I’d make the effort to get there after work, but I also don’t have kids to get from daycare/school, and I get off work at 3.

View Quoted Comment I understand where you’re coming from though. I think brides usually hope for our bridal party to be more involved or at least more interested. It can be anxiety inducing when they do things that cause extra stress. But just try to remember that you also got a lot of other things going on than to micromanage someone and if she ends up not gettin her stuff together for you then so be it. She can come as a guest and not as a bridesmaid

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Ah okay, that's definitely not what I thought when I read "newly." I totally agree that being out a flower girl and ring bearer (and the money for them) would be upsetting. Maybe talk to her about that specifically?

View Quoted Comment That's frustrating. If they don't show she should reimburse what you paid for, though I doubt that would happen. Confirm one last time that the kids are still part of the bridal party and ask if she would be more comfortable as a guest since you know 'that the kids will be a handful to get ready'. Maybe that will get you somewhere?

She has two kids and is pregnant, and we're in the middle of a pandemic. School was out for months and childcare isn't available. She's probably crazy busy and your 4-months-away wedding isn't high on her list of priorities, which makes sense. It's entirely possible that she wasn't able to find time to go to a store for a month. She doesn't need to help with wedding plans or help plan a shower for you; all she has to do is show up at the wedding in the dress. You made a good faith effort to help her exchange her dress, now let her figure it out. She has four months to work it out and get the correct attire or step down. Don't kick her out of the wedding - she hasn't done anything wrong.

View Quoted Comment Actually when she had plenty of time to go to parties without her kids, then she gets no sympathy from me. The dress they are wearing takes about 4 weeks to get in from David’s. Kids or not she shouldn’t have said yes to doing it if she isn’t going to take part.


For her wedding she made us do quiet a bit before hand. And actually it’s usually custom that bridesmaids throw the shower and help set up. Considering I have stated above that she expects me to pay her way to the wedding and more I can’t just wait to see if she shows up. But thanks for your input

View Quoted Comment And it also wasn’t required for her to go to a store. They sent her a packing slip and more to her email and all she had to do was put it in her mailbox

View Quoted Comment No bridesmaid is ever required to help throw a shower. It is something people only do if they volunteer to. A great percentage of the time someone other than bridesmaids do the shower, and lots of times only some bridesmaids do, and some don't. It is highly unfair to have consequences for not helping throw you a party. Ask if she wants to still be in the wedding party. If she does, then let her take care of the dress. Getting a size larger may not make it possible to wear the dress. It may simply need alterations in key areas. which cannot be done for another 7-8 weeks at least, since how big she will be is not predictable yet. Ask what she plans to do. She may be watching and wondering to see what is happening with Covid. She may be considering her safety, pregnant, and the kids'.

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Tell her you're sorry but you can't help pay her way to the wedding and let her work it out. You can wait to see if she shows up. If she doesn't, the show will go on just fine without her. It really won't affect you at all aside from having an extra bouquet and present. If you kick her out of your wedding it will be a public slight and a friendship/relationship-ending move.

View Quoted Comment It depends on her body. Some women gain a lot of weight , in addition to pregnancy bump. But she would have no way of knowing what size to go up to.
So usually the person waits till 2 months ahead. No point in replacing a wrong dress with another wrong dress. And many form fitting styles simply cannot be fit to a pregnant figure, with any amount of alterations. So you must purchase a completely different style, similar color. Ar, at 2 months before, you know, all it takes is more fabric and making an empire highwaist style of tge originals, and David's provides the fabric.
I would not be surprised if she is wondering if it is worth it, given she is uncertain about the safety of this large gathering for her or kids in September. Her evasiveness may be because the best thing for now is to wait and see. Closed David's nationwide are opening from June 7 to July 1. And earlier tonight I read an announcement that they are taking returns over the next 2 months for things anyone could not or did not return, including ones where people's ossues cannot be solved without seeing what alterations people say, whether to exchange or alter. By the end of July, she will likely know. She has not gone beyond David's return window, especially if ordering bigger not maternity would not have solved the problem. Wait. You have better things to worry about.

View Quoted Comment According to David’s employees that I have spoke to she now has considering she bought the dress in February. I’m not concerned about the part of ordering the new dress, I’m concerned about how she is asking me to pay for it and I am supposed to pay for her way to the wedding. She has no concern of Covid our court and state is extremely low. She’s even said that. Plus she plans on staying once she gets here with her family for a few months. However, I am not paying her way unless she is part of the wedding. A few of my bridesmaids are saying she’s using me to get her way paid to get up here but has no plan in being part of the wedding anymore. She never had to go to an open David’s store as I mentioned a few times above in comments. She just had to print and send.