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Dedicated April 2021

Bridesmaid

Ash, on February 7, 2021 at 3:36 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 15

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So my sister/MOH is planning my bachelorette and bridal shower. I know little to none information about those events because my sister is planning everything. One of my bridesmaids is my best friend since middle school. She told my sister (not me) that she couldn't make it to the Bachelorette because she has to work. When my sister told me this, it didn't surprise me, plus even if she didn't work I wouldn't expect her to come because social scenes are not her thing. My sister recently told me the date of my bridal shower and it's the same day as my bridesmaid's birthday. Few days later (mind you she has not talked to me about anything of my wedding) I texted her saying that I'm so sorry that my bridal shower was on her birthday but if she wasn't busy, I hoped that she could stop by for whatever time she has. She texted back saying that she doesn't exactly know what is happening but she thinks she won't make it because she has already plans for her birthday. Which I replied to saying like yeah that makes sense. Then I ask about if she could come to my Bachelorette (just to see what she said) and she replied with how she works every weekend now.

I don't really know to feel because I totally understand that work is a priority, but I guess I'm just sad that she didn't show any sadness in not being able to come to either event. Like if it was me , I would be like omg I'm so sorry, I can't make it but I can't wait for you to tell me how it goes or something like that. I don't know if I'm overreacting and need to understand her situation better? I just feel crumpy too because I only have 2 bridesmaids and 1 moh so my support system in terms of bridal party isn't that big to begin with because I wanted to have my girls being there for every important wedding event.

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Latest activity by Ash, on February 8, 2021 at 10:34 AM

Master October 2020
Yasmine · on February 7, 2021 at 4:19 PM
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Some people just aren't as emotional, or definitely don't show it. I wouldn't take it that she isn't interested, especially during these times. Has she been involved in the wedding planning or showed interest their at least?
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Master April 2021
Michelle · on February 7, 2021 at 5:17 PM
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I have a small bridal party too- MOH (my sister) & 2 bridesmaids (1 is my daughter). You said she doesn’t really like social scenes, wouldn’t attending these things be horrible for her? I understand you want/expect her to be somewhat excited but some people just aren’t like that...
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Dedicated April 2021
Ash · on February 7, 2021 at 5:22 PM
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She has come with me to when I've found my dress. She has been positively responsive when I talk about the wedding. I guess I'm just feel like toss to the side with her lack of empathy of missing out.
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Dedicated April 2021
Ash · on February 7, 2021 at 5:28 PM
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I don't expect her to be excited. Even if she wasn't working, I wouldn't expect her to go to the Bachelorette. I'm not upset that she can't attend because I understand why she can't. But I feel like as a bridesmaid and best friend, she would want to attend for a little while but she doesn't express "sadness" for not being able to be there.
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Expert October 2021
Samantha · on February 7, 2021 at 5:28 PM
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Sounds like she has been very supportive of you and your wedding. Perhaps she has a bit of wedding fatigue and needs some time to concentrate on herself. She may even be disappointed that the shower is on her birthday and doesn't want to make a big deal out of it despite wanting to be there.
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Dedicated April 2021
Ash · on February 7, 2021 at 5:34 PM
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Definitely not wedding fatigue since I nor MOH request her to do anything yet. Maybe she is upset that it is on the same day as my bridal shower although the shower is literally for two hours in the morning but yeah it sucks I get it
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Master April 2021
Michelle · on February 7, 2021 at 5:36 PM
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I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way but you’re expecting her to express sadness. You gave every right to feel sad that she won’t make it but don’t expect her to express sadness- you can’t control other people’s emotions.
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Expert October 2021
Samantha · on February 7, 2021 at 5:39 PM
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By wedding fatigue, I mean that she may need a step back from the discussion. Why not just talk to her about what's bothering you? Again, she may have plans that she can't change and was sparing you the drama of bothering you about it, ie trying not to make it about her instead of you.
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Dedicated April 2021
Ash · on February 7, 2021 at 5:41 PM
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???
I do expect her to feel sad because the situation sucks. Definitely know that I can't control other emotions lol hence me venting on here.
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Dedicated April 2021
Ash · on February 7, 2021 at 5:54 PM
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Yeah, I was just venting on here. I was a little upset that I had to start the conversation instead of her just telling me what was going on because if it wasn't for my sister informing I would still had no idea that she wasn't coming to either event. And that what I mean by having no empathy (idk if that's the right word) like if I wouldn't asked her if she was coming would she even tell me she wouldn't be coming like she doesn't care like she's missing out? that's where I got a little thrown off and I know it doesn't seem like a big deal but again she is my best friend so it's just weird how she not upfront like usual. Again, just venting I know we have to talk about it.
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on February 7, 2021 at 8:09 PM
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Your friend sounds like has a full plate at the moment and I think you need to cut her a bit of slack. Just because you might react to something a certain way doesn’t mean that she will react in the way that you expect. Your friend has her own life and it’s not fair for you to expect her to put her own life on hold to attend ‘every important wedding event’ – attending your bachelorette won’t pay her bills.

I don’t mean you any offense here but you need to understand - no one will be as excited for your wedding as you and something us brides need to be considerate of is that the world doesn’t stop moving to make way for our wedding. Our friends/family/bridal party might not be able to attend every pre-wedding event, they may not have time to discuss your florals with you, and they may not care that your choice of a main is the seared chicken breast with mushroom sauce. All that matters is that they love and support you and want to celebrate your marriage.
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Dedicated April 2021
Ash · on February 7, 2021 at 8:35 PM
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Right, but the least she could have done was let me know personally. (My whole point).
She only works weekends, the rest of the days she's off and at home with her parents.
I'm not the slightest upset that she won't be attending any other events. I would have just liked to be informed and since she knew the dates first, so since she didn't say anything I just assumed she was attending but I had to heard from someone else which is just weird to me.

I think that's all depends on people's personalities too tbh.
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Master October 2020
Yasmine · on February 8, 2021 at 6:47 AM
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I don't think it's a big deal that she isn't expressing "sadness" I wouldn't worry about it. Especially if she's been supportive of different wedding things.
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Expert September 2021
· on February 8, 2021 at 9:45 AM
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I agree with Yasmine that everyone doesn't express emotions the same! She may be busy, she may have a full plate. I have always been told to remember that no one will be as excited about your engagement/wedding as you are and to give your friends grace when they don't react with the excitement you have for your wedding.
BUT - I had something similar with a bridesmaid who didn't seem to be interested in anything to do with my wedding. She complained about every dress I picked out for her, told me she wouldn't come to my bachelorette because "taking off for that on a Friday wasn't worth her PTO", wouldn't participate in any event, etc. and I ended up talking to her about how I felt - which ended with her leaving the wedding party.
I think these issues are kind of gray. No, you can't expect your friends to tend to your every need as a bride and drop everything for your events, but you also should expect them to support you and make you feel loved and special during your engagement. There's a fine line. If she doesn't seem interested, maybe you should check on her and see how she is doing, if she's stressed or overwhelmed and just talk to her. But if she is kind of the Debbie downer of the group and is making you feel like your getting married is an inconvenience to her, you shouldnt have her in your wedding.
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Dedicated April 2021
Ash · on February 8, 2021 at 10:34 AM
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Thank you for saying this because I definitely agree. I guess all I was venting about was that I would have expected her to text me saying she couldn't come otherwise I don't think I'm crazy to assume that she was coming, instead of me hearing it from someone else because that to me is just common courtesy, especially if you are my best friend and bridesmaid. I wasn't venting about how involved she was or wasn't, I feel like each person supports brides differently and that's okay.
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