Bridesmaid rant

If you've been seeing a lot of posts about bridesmaid drama than you probably have seen a lot of responses where people have said the only thing a bridesmaid is EXPECTED to do is show up in a preapproved dress. Anything else they do is above and beyond and a nice gesture.

- You are being given a bachelorette and shower. Be grateful.

- Your bridesmaid's finances are none of your business. Maybe they are having other financial issues. If she doesn't want to stay out all night she doesn't have to. If she doesn't want to go to the brunch she doesn't have to. As for the kids, just say no and let it go. You are not required to allow children at the shower or rehearsal dinner.

- I don't understand what your NYC friend getting married has anything to do with bridesmaid drama?

The problem is that the married cousin is in a different financial place than she was four years ago. She has kids - they are expensive. She and husband are building a house - that's an expensive and stressful thing to do.

What you are planning is also expensive. A night in a hotel before the spa day - $$$. A spa day - $$$. A shower - $$$. A dress - $$$. An after party - $$$. A babysitter for the rehearsal - $$$. A babysitter for the wedding - $$$. A brunch (is it hosted? if not) - $$$. Even if the brunch is hosted, that's more time away from her kids and another babysitter. And then you call her children rotten and annoying. Maybe your attitude about the kids is coming through to her.

FH and I have two children and a house as well, we understand financial stress. I understand the financial part and taking the time to commit to things. I understand having your own life going on, which was why I was trying to make things easy for everyone including myself. What's frustrating is I expressed all of this in the beginning, so it's not a surprise and she agreed. She had the chance to say no. And they live her mother who is their live-in babysitter. I asked for support in my feelings on a forum, not disagreements. Obviously, she is my cousin, and I will support her and not cause conflict. And yes I'm very grateful, please don't assume I'm not.

Again her finances and who she has babysit are none of your business. A lot of things can change in six months. Are you saying if she wasn't able to fully commit to your expectations than she could have stepped down from your bridal party? Which is more important having her stand up with you at your wedding or being able to throw $$$ at parties and events that you are expecting her to attend? Also you said you laid out your expectations during your get together. How awkward would it have been for her when she already accepted being a bridesmaid to then say no in front of a bunch of other women who all were agreeing to your terms. You put everyone on the spot that day and put them in a position where it would have been difficult to say no.

You didn't sound grateful at all so I can only go off of the one post you have. Not once did you say you were grateful. You said you were hurt that she dropped the ball on planning the shower...except she did plan you a shower. She may have scrambled to do so but she did it. So why be upset about it?

I am not going to support your feelings when I think most of your feelings are wrong and you should apologize to your friends. Her getting upset about the kid thing is really the only thing I think you honestly can rant over but you probably should not call her kids annoying and rotten.

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Amen and agreed to all of this. My BMs aren't expected to nor would I want them to spend a ton of money to throw me any sort of party. I would be super grateful if they did, but honestly I'm aware of each person's financial situation and know it's not doable for any of us and I wouldn't feel right complaining about that.

I think when people are first asked to participate in a wedding party, the excitement is there and they can't wait. But when the time comes for things that are expected from them, circumstances may have changed and they may be dealing with some challenges in their personal lives. I would let whoever is complaining to you off the hook nicely for anything they are complaining about and wash that stress out of your hair. I honestly don't see the big deal in all of this & I think you need to take a step back and see the bigger picture. Bridezilla is not a nice thing to be called & it's the last thing I would want anyone to see me as.

I think it was nice of you to sit them down at the beginning and discuss the attire, hair and makeup and your expectations. But, you shouldn't expect anything more than they buy the dress and show up on your wedding day to support you. Which is more important than any party or spa day or brunch.

So I'm going to go against everyone on here and say I know exactly what you are going through and it is very annoying. I needed to vent the other day about similar things and no one wanted to listen but give unwanted advice and accuse. Vent away my dear girl and remember things will work out just fine. Remind your FH that being called a bridezilla is very hurtful. Good luck!

Bridesmaids are NOT just supposed to show up to the wedding in a dress and nothing more. There is such a thing as bridesmaid etiquette and here it is:

Today's Bridesmaids

Basically, the bridesmaid is someone who is close to the bride, and she is called upon to offer emotional support on perhaps the biggest day of the bride's life. Other duties may include doing things like helping the bride choose her bridal ensemble, addressing envelopes, hosting the bridal shower or bachelorette party, and standing up with her on the wedding day.

Special honor may be given to the maid or matron of honor before and during the service. She may be asked to help the bride dress, hold her flowers during the ceremony, assist her with her veil during the ceremony, or arrange her train once she is at the altar.

Most maids or matrons-of-honor are also asked to serve as a witness by signing the marriage license and holding the groom's wedding band. In addition, She and the best man will probably be asked to propose a toast during a formal reception. The junior bridesmaid is only responsible to show up to the wedding and look adorable.

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Key word being may though. If the bridesmaid don't offer or don't have time to do things for your wedding, you shouldn't force it upon them anyway. Friends first, bride second.

Things don't have to be, and rarely are, as black and white as people tend to paint them in comments on this forum regarding bridal party drama. There's nothing wrong with feeling unsupported and disappointed, I think I would feel similarly in your situation. At the same time, it sounds like you need to temper your expectations of your bridal party as it looks like they have a lot going on in their lives. Cut them, and yourself, some slack. The pre-wedding parties and planning may not be the huge bonding experience you had hoped for, but if they all show up on the big day wearing the right clothes and with smiles on their faces (or happy tears), that's a win, right? Good luck!

What is typically labeled as "drama" is that people aren't throwing money around in a way that pleases the bride. Expecting bridal party members who have families to drop everything for events without their kids for overnights and spa days, showers, brunches... It's a lot of time and money. If she is having a $1,000,000 house built, her money isn't your business. Perhaps the house being built is why her money is tight. It's a lot of money to build a house and if she prioritizes her house over your spa day, good for her. She should.

Wow calling her children rotten and annoying is not very kind, especially as this is someone you are supposedly close to.

The only thing you might have to complain about here is her insisting on bringing her children (and even then, to call them rotten is quite harsh and it makes me feel how you really feel about her). It may be disappointing, but they are not obligated to do anything but show up in the agreed upon attire. It might be a bit annoying that someone is complaining about a $70 dress but her finances are none of your business. You didn't ask for it, but you're going to get opinions here. I think you're acting like a bridezilla and you need to take a step back.

I unlike many others do think accepting a position as a bridesmaid or MOH comes with some responsibility. Yes they should be landing your shower and bachelorette. They have to purchase the dress by the date given. They should be communicating. Its to the point that a group text goes out and its crickets. Started to text individually and still crickets. I don't get it. Its frustrating. Most on here will turn this around on you. You should be grateful you are getting anything. You shouldn't plan on all the stuff you want. I disagree. ..You stated from the beginning what your expectations are. No kids mean no kids....if you feel the children will not behave then I would not want them there either. I would recommend talking to them individually and trying to resolve this. Explain that your feelings are hurt that you thought since everyone agreed in the beginning that you thought they were going to be there and you are disappointed. Keep it focused on feelings and do not attack them. I am sure they will explain more as to why things can't be as it was planned. I know its difficult when a group makes decisions and then it has to be altered. Good Luck!

Ok Im gonna play both sides of the fence here. I completely get why ur upset. My MOH is not very involved in "helping" me either. Ive sent her pics of DIYs that I have done but that's it. I have invited her to come over a few times to see what Ive put together but there is always an excuse why she cant. Now shes planning a trip during a time that she commited to me for tastings and bridesmaids dress shopping. I have not said a word to her about what has tweeked my nerves. Its just not worth it to me. I will still get everything done for my wedding with the help of my FH. Ultimately he is who I can depend on for any and everything. Do I want my Bestie to be involved, of course, but if she doesn't my day will go on and i refuse to stress and deal with drama. I could careless if she throws me a shower or a bachelorette party. Whats most important to me and my FH is our peace!!

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If she agreed to go shopping for dresses on that day, it's perfectly fine to mention that to her. Maybe she forgot the date. Asking her to go dress shopping is something she needs to do.

I stopped reading when you called her children rotten and annoying. Like a PP said, her money is not your concern. We have a house, I have two kids in college (ex does not help), grad school myself, so I get it, we all get it.

It does sound like you had unrealistic expectations of her role in your wedding. As many have said, no one will be as excited as you for your wedding.

Sadly, bridesmaid drama posts are not limited to the full moon, lol. They go on and on and ON all year.