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Just Said Yes August 2023

Bridesmaid Quit

Anne, on May 2, 2023 at 12:51 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 5

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Hi all!

I am wanting some advice on my current situation. Our wedding is 3 months away and a few days ago one of my bridemaids (who is also my cousin) called to ask me if it would be a big deal if her and her family didn't come to the wedding.

The backstory on her is - she is 10 years older than me and lives about 5 states away. Has a husband, 3 small kids, youngest is 4 mos old. They are in the middle of expensive home renovations/add ons, including putting an inground pool in the backyard. I had asked her to be a BM a year in advance (she was newly pregnant) and again after the baby was born to make sure, and she said yes of course both times.

Fast foward to our phone call a few days ago. She had started looking at flights/airbnbs, and realized how expensive the trip was going to be. She was not going to stay with her mom (who she would normally stay with) or ask her to help with the kids during the wedding events due to an argument they are having. She also mentioned a few other things - her MIL has health issues, more stuff with their business/house/fight with her mom etc. She repeated that she was hoping it wouldn't be a big deal for them to skip the wedding because they are so busy/cost.

Now, I can understand how busy she is but I have several issues with this

1 - i had asked her several times to be a BM starting well over a year before the wedding, and she assured me each time that she and the family would be there. Now its 3 mos before and she is backing out.

2 - My fiance and I have 2 kids, a house, and both work full time, so I can relate to how busy she is however, she is one of those people where everything is always about her. She has zero interest in our lives, has not visited us in 8-9 years and does not plan to. She never asks about our house or jobs, meanwhile I have gotten countless updates via facetime on their home/business. We have also them visited several times.

3 - They have money for things like a $1 million + home and pool in the backyard, yet this trip home for my wedding is now too expensive. I suggested she could come by herself and the baby and stay with us to cut down on cost, but she had several issues with that option as well.

I am disappointed and hurt that she is so casual about not coming to the wedding and keeps referring to it as "no big deal". She turned the whole thing around as if she is the victim and that we should feel sorry for her. I feel unimportant and at the bottom of her priority list and I am thinking about sending her a text to tell her how I feel, but I am not sure if I should or just let it go. We were very close growing up and still talk often to this day. She has several redeeming qualities and was there for me in hard times, and I can understand how busy she is, but this one hurt bad.

Thoughts??

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5 Comments

Latest activity by Valerie, on May 3, 2023 at 6:04 PM

Champion July 2019
Veronica · on May 2, 2023 at 5:14 PM
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Honestly it doesn't sound all that surprising that she backed out based on the fact you said everything is always about her and she never comes home to visit. But I don't think it's fair for you to judge her financial situation. Unfortunately I would just let this go and no plan on her attending any important events in the future.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on May 2, 2023 at 5:15 PM
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What her income vs spending habits are is irrelevant to anyone except her and her significant other.

There is a reason why people say don’t ask anyone who is not part of your current innermost supportive social circle, and don’t ask anyone out of obligation such as relatives or acquaintances you have no relationship with. Also there is a reason why no one should be asked before 6 months before the wedding to be a bridesmaid. If you ask the wrong person too early and then you tell them to drop out or they quit on their own, that is when the relationship ends.
Out of curiosity, if you don’t have a close relationship and she has never made any effort to interact with you as a relative, why would you ask her to participate in a role reserved for your current closest best friends? That contradicts your other statement that you used to be close once upon a time but not now. Your feelings either way are valid but at the end of the day, there is nothing going on between you and she is not in the wrong by declining the position.
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Devoted April 2023
Peyton · on May 3, 2023 at 12:00 AM
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I am really sorry this happened. I would try to view it as a blessing. You don’t really want someone in your wedding who doesn’t want to be there. I know you consider her a friend but she isn’t acting like one. I don’t think there is anything to be gained by getting angry at her and telling her off. It will just make you feel bad. Surround yourself with people who love you and try to forget about this bridesmaid
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CM · on May 3, 2023 at 12:33 AM
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I'm sure it's very disappointing, but there's really nothing you can or should do or say, IMO. While she might have known better to commit with everything she had going on, she obviously thought she could make it work up until recently. But with a four month old, two other children, a major renovation, a rift with the mother she was counting on to help, and a sick MIL I can understand why she might have quickly become overwhelmed.
BTW it's never a good idea to try and count someone else's money. The things you point to as reasons why she "ought" to be able to afford the trip, ie an expensive mortgage and renovations, which often run over budget despite estimates, could be more like the reasons she can't. You don't know anything about their expenses or obligations.
That said, she could have been more gracious than to call it "no big deal." She'd probably have more of your sympathy if she was apologetic or told you how badly she feels for dropping out.
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Dedicated April 2023
Valerie · on May 3, 2023 at 6:04 PM
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Unfortunately your wedding will not be a big deal to anyone who isn't you. That's just how it is. No one's lives revolve around our weddings, and often being in the bridal party just feels like a big fat obligation and expense no matter how much you love the person. My MoH pulled the same thing (confirmed she would be there and then suddenly started dropping excuses until I just backed off and accepted that no matter how many different solutions I had to her excuses, she was just not coming). Not my problem. I replaced her with my mom and never looked back, and the wedding was wonderful.
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