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Bridesmaid mad that she's not Maid Of Honor

Tina, on March 12, 2021 at 3:27 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 19

It was hard choosing my maid of honor between two friends. I chose the one that I have spent more time with the past few years, been through things together and doesn't make things about her all the time. I made the other friend I have known for 10+ years like a sister my 1st Bridesmaid that could help share some roles with the maid of honor if they wished. Already picked out the perfect color and dress for her. Well I met her and asked her to be my bridesmaid. I knew she wasn't completely happy cause she had a bit of attitude. I wake up to a long text. I'm saddened and really don't know how to respond. She said that she's shocked, upset, and feels betrayed that since we grew up together and are like sisters that she can't be in my wedding as a bridesmaid because she's more than that in her eyes. Maid of honor is a different name for a reason and it's your closest friend usually family. If I don't think so than that is ok it's my wedding and my day and wishes me the best. What are your thoughts?


19 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on March 15, 2021 at 11:04 AM
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    Let her throw her tantrum and choose not to participate in your wedding. That’s on her. You didn’t do anything wrong.
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  • Rebelle Fleur
    Master July 2021
    Rebelle Fleur ·
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    I had somewhat of the same issue. I made one MOH and the other Chief Bridesmaid. While it’s okay for her to let you know that she is hurt (as a friend should) I think for her to tell you she won’t be your bridesmaid at all is selfish. You chose who you chose and to change it now would cause more issues.


    I would just tell her it was a hard choice but you already made it and your sad that she refusing to be participate and you hope that she at-least comes as a guest. This may change your friendship forever.
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  • T
    Tina ·
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    Yes I know it probably will. This is one reason I did not chose her because she makes things all about herself. I love her very much and I'm hurt by her using a "label" to not want to be in my wedding on my special day.

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  • Lisa
    Legend July 2022
    Lisa ·
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    I don't think you did anything wrong. If you wanted to, you could make her a co-MOH, but not sure how changing things now would go. You are entitled to choose whoever you want as your MOH, and even though it was a tough decision, you made your decision. I agree with the above comment - I would tell her that it was not an easy decision, you still value her friendship just as much as before, and you're sad that she is choosing to not be in your wedding party, but that you're really hoping she'll attend regardless, either as a bridesmaid or as a guest. Maybe once things have calmed down a bit, she might want back in to the wedding party. I would leave the door open for her to come back if she wants to.
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  • T
    Tina ·
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    Yes a part of me wants to do that. I haven't responded yet since I was taken back by this.

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  • T
    Tina ·
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    A part of me would like for this to work out but the other part is knowing she already has the attitude and probably won't lose it and possibly making more drama. Thank you all for the advice I appreciate it!

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  • Elizabeth
    Super June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
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    I would just let her know that you chose her as a bridesmaid because you value her friendship, and you're sorry she feels hurt because that wasn't your intention.


    Don't give her another title or in any other way justify her tantrum. I'm sorry but this stuff literally doesn't matter. She's being dramatic and unreasonable
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    I think she has a bad, destructive attitude, and it would be a good thing not to have anyone like her in a bridal party. Ber ego is too big, her estimation of herself higher than the bride. Tell her that as it is traditional to
    choose either the one you have known longest, or the
    one you feel closest to at the time of the wedding to be your MOH, you chose someone else. If she feels that being a bridesmaid is not honor enough, she would not belong with those who do, and should not be in the BP at all. 🙂Nice that she outright told you how self centered she is, which will save you from a lot of drama later.
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  • M.
    Dedicated July 2021
    M. ·
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    I completely agree with this. If she's already got an attitude renaming her position probably won't help erase the tension. I wouldn't give into the tantrum either, you sound like you really thought out your decision and altering your choice to please her at your wedding doesn't sit right.

    I would just have a heart to heart with her, tell her you understand that she feels hurt and that it was an incredibly difficult decision. Maybe give her some other sub-task to be in charge of? Regardless of titles, you still asked her to stand up next to you when you say your vows, that should be honor enough.

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  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    The extinction method works well for tantrums in toddlers...not so sure about adults. The general idea is to not feed the drama.
    ”I’d like you to be a bridesmaid. If not, I’ll be disappointed but will understand and hope you’ll be there to celebrate with us.”
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  • T
    Tina ·
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    I totally agree Maggie. I would be honored to be in someone's wedding on their special day no matter what they asked me to do.

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  • Melissa
    Dedicated September 2021
    Melissa ·
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    I would tell her she's welcome to be a guest. That the title should not change the relationship. You didn't do anything wrong. Let her be. She should be happy for you, not mad because of the title she got.
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  • A
    Dedicated March 2021
    Annika ·
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    Well said. 100% agree!
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  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    If she’s to the point being butt-hurt and needing to write a drawn out text over something as meaningless as a title in a wedding, then she’s going to be more than a handful whether she’s a bridesmaid or a MOH. It’s ridiculous that you’re even dealing with this from a “friend”. So you have some decisions to make based on what you’re truly willing to deal with during your wedding planning phase. Best wishes!
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  • F
    Expert April 2022
    Fred ·
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    Her feelings are valid but it's not okay for her to do what she is doing: an emotional manipulation. Nothing less.
    You made this call for a reason.
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  • Natalie
    Super November 2020
    Natalie ·
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    A true friend would understand that individuals are able to have more than one friend with varying levels of closeness and that relationships extend far past titles given in wedding parties. This person is more concerned with essentially holding the “top title” and less concerned about being by your side in your big day. If she wants to drop out, let her if that’s what she chooses to do. While it is understandable for one to potentially have hurt feelings, it is never okay to pout, through a hissy fit over it, or threaten to leave your wedding party if you don’t change your mind!
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  • Michelle
    Champion December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    I agree with this. If she's not happy with your choice, she can choose to not attend your wedding. Do not feed the drama.

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  • T
    Tina ·
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    Thank you ladies for all your input, I really appreciate it! I did respond back to her, this is what I said:

    I’m sorry you feel hurt because that wasn’t my intention. You’re right it is MY wedding and it was a difficult decision choosing everyone. But I chose you to be my #1 Bridesmaid because I do value our friendship just as much as before and love you dearly. I had already found you the perfect colored dress and for you to be included in all the girls' outings and activities. I chose you to stand up with me while I exchange my vows on my special day. If someone asked me to be in their wedding on their special day, I would feel honored no matter what the title was or where I stood. I am sad and hurt that you are putting a “title” on this and to not participate in my wedding party.

    Then I filled her spot with a cousin from Hawaii that I should of asked from the start. I posted my 6 girls on facebook and she actually "loved" my post.

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  • M
    Devoted April 2021
    Michelle ·
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    This ^^^^^

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