Bridesmaid issues - asking someone to back out???

Unfortunately, there really isn't a nice way to ask someone to drop out of your wedding. It often ends friendships.

It sounds like your bridesmaid feels as though she's getting left behind already. As much as we want our closest friends to stand by us on our big day, it's absolutely essential to evaluate the possible problems you'll run into with each individual. Treat your bridesmaids as you would want to be treated, that's the golden rule. If she's having trouble finding a dress that fits her, be understanding of how the situation may be making her feel (embarrassed, ashamed). We've all been in those situations where our body image is preventing us from doing the things we want to do. Offer to take her solo dress shopping with a bonus lunch date. Expectations for bridesmaids can sometimes feel impossible to meet. If you truly value this person in your life then you have to work with them. Some extra bonding activities and lenience will go a long way and could end up strengthening a friendship that was at one point, worthy of a bridesmaid position.

I feel for you. After reading the countless bridesmaid drama posts on this site, I decided not to do a big bridal party so I just have my sister and my daughter standing up. The only way to get her to back out is if she wants to. Consider going for coffee and having a serious conversation with her. Good luck!

How is your bachellorette party working? Did you tell MOH what you want and she is organizing it? Or are you organizing it? If she is, I would tell her to send out a group text: "Hi, I need to know if you are going on the trip and what you are participating in. We will be meeting at X location on X date to drive down. We will arrive at 6 and will relax the rest of the day, staying at hotel X. We will be getting brunch at X location at 10 the next day, then we will be going shopping in the city until X. We will rent a cabana by the pool at X and will be there until 5. Then we will be going out to dinner at X, and we will go out to club X at 8. We will end the night staying at hotel X. The next day is more relaxed, we will just be getting lunch at 12 at X and other than that, relaxing with each other! We drive back home at 6. I need to know what you are doing by X date. (Make this date 2 months before the weekend. Because you can invite more than just bridesmaids, this gives you time to invite more girls if all the sudden it seems like only one person is interested in going. Don't "replace" people if one or two are missing and make a weird point of it, I just mean if only two or three are going out of 7 bridesmaids, and you choose not to do something else instead of the trip, invite more people so it's fun for you!) I will need your share of the payment for the activities you are planning on being a part of by X date. (maybe a few weeks before, sooner for things you need reservations for so MOH doesnt get stuck with the bill). If we all participate in everything, you can expect to be paying X amount, not including what you spend shopping. I know it was previously discussed that we would be doing these things, but I'm not getting a lot of communication from you all. So that it's less stressful for Jessica and so that it's fair to everyone trying to figure out how much to pay, I really need to know these things by these dates. If you are just now realizing this isn't something you can't afford or attend, please message me. The thing Jessica most wants to do is X, and we should all be able to participate sunday since we are just enjoying eachothers company and getting lunch. Bar not being able to make the date, that is the event you should definitely be at and it would be ideal if you could be there."
I wouldn't say "If you dont tell me by X date you aren't going", make it clear it just would be rude and an inconvenience, because if you say that, someone who feels bad that they told you they could but cannot afford it will just wait it out until after the rsvp date.

If you are asking your bridesmaids to spend hundreds of dollars on this trip, and they are not cooperating, maybe re think it, and consider both parties might be at fault. They should NOT have agreed to be bridesmaids if they knew the cost of this trip and knew they didn't want to do it, or they should have told you upfront, "I'd love to stand with you but I cannot go on the trip." But at the same time, it is difficult to do these trips, if you are planning something more involved than what they were told, maybe its time to step back and adjust the plan. Go have a fun night out near home if you all live close together, and take your MOH on the longer trip, you'll have more fun not worrying and just being able to dish with her. Don't have her pay for you on that trip though, your bachellorette party is the night out. I wouldn't "Fire" anyone. It'll just cause bad blood.

As for the girl with the dress: Tell her she needs to be in possession of the dress she's wearing by X date (maybe three or four months before) and have it altered properly by X date (maybe a month before), or she won't be able to be in the wedding because she needs a dress. You won't have to fire her at all, it is unfortunate but it happens: if they don't have a dress, there is nothing either of you can do. I would not replace her if it makes numbers uneven, I would have a groomsmen walk 2 women down the isle.

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This is such great advice!

Additionally, if you think she's stressing and might WANT to drop out but doesn't want to disappoint you or hurt your feelings, maybe bring that up with her!

Tell her that her friendship is important to you and that you want her to be able to celebrate with you on your big day, but if she would feel more comfortable as a guest and not a maid, you totally get that.

Im sorry you're so frustrated and having to deal with this. Have you tried talking to the maids about how you are feeling?

I am sorry if the dress does not for her body what is she supposed to do?

The dress is the only thing that should really be an issue here. If the bridesmaids planned the bachelorette, starting by finding out everyone's budget, then there should be no problem. If things are being proposed by you or just one person, and they are not responding, it probably means they do not want to do what is being proposed by you or whoever is planning, and they feel stuck. Plan just one simple evening out Bach that everyone can afford and has time for. As for dress shopping with you, that is not a BM job. If someone volunteers, fine. But if you tried to press it on them, it is nit the bm who are at fault. So clear those things aside, and just try to work on the one bridesmaid's dress. Does it really not fit? Ask her if she still wants to be a bridesmaid, nicely. And if she does try to find a dress that will fit. When you get resistance to shopping 1:1 on that, and she won't go, then you can say, if you do not get a dress, you can always come as a guest. Sorry everything feels like a fight. But you likely set expectations too high. How expensive/ how much of a trip is the destination wedding? It is asking an awful lot to have a bachelorette trip when it is a destination wedding, I think.

That’s something I was nervous about when deciding to have bridesmaids or not. This is your wedding and your day to remember. Don’t let that be overshadowed by those who are not appreciating it the way do. Have a conversation with them and ask them if they truly want to be apart of the wedding and make the necessary decisions based on how the conversation goes.

Thanks ladies! Wasn’t really looking for
judgement or blame, just to let out some frustration of being ignored.. and unsure how to talk to her when she’s basically my oldest friend. She’s never been like this before it makes me sad. I gave her the option to turn down being a bridesmaid when I asked. And then again a few months ago. I’ve offered for her to even stay with me, drive with me, whatever she needs, etc. The only expectation I had was that she be as good of a bridesmaid to me as I had to her last year, so that was my mistake. Which I make frequently. No one is required to participate in anything, it’s all done on a vote and who is interested in going I’m not an insane bride. And I understand the body problem I’ve been there more times than I’d like to admit, and I feel awful for her because I know it’s sad. But thank you all for listening and some of you for your understanding 😊

Maybe your expectations for your bridesmaids are too high?
I've been a maid of honor 4 times , and I never once went dress shopping with the bride, even my very best friend in the world.

If they would have asked , of course I would have if time permitted.
I never helped with planning of the weddings or bachelorette parties....

All the brides were ok with this.
I also did not require any of my bridesmaids to go shopping with me.

I've been fortunate, Ive never had to worry about fitting into a dress...but, I can imagine it would be so frustrating and embarrassing....and if it happened several times....id probably avoid trying on another dress for awhile too.

Maybe she is trying to shape up before she tries again? Just ask her if she has a dress in mind , or if she would like your help finding one.

As far as the trip...maybe they can't afford it and don't want to hurt your feelings?
Their is absolutely no nice way to ask someone to drop out of your wedding...it would be extremely hurtful in my opinion.
Remember, you asked them to share your big day for a reason...because they are your friends and you want them to remain that way❤

I was not meaning to be negative. I really mean if she can’t fit into a dress. How about getting a plus sized dress?

For my first wedding, I made sure to choose an A-line, floor length dress that would look good whether you were a size 2 or size 22. For this next wedding...I don't care what you wear as long as it is the correct color and you do not look like a stuffed sausage. For the record...FSIL chose a halter style dress...the same style that is very flattering if you have small shoulders or need to de-emphasize large boobs. Unfortunately for her, she has very broad shoulders and a very flat chest....at least it is the right color and she does not look like a stuffed sausage. She is happy; I am happy (although I would have preferred to see her in something more flattering, but...in the Grand Scheme of things...who cares? If it really becomes an issue, we will make sure a small child stands in front of her for all the pictures...)

View Quoted Comment I had thought about this actually! My only concern was that she doesn’t typically buy plus size clothing, and this size is new to her like last few years or so. She’s always been around my size which is about 25-30 pounds or so lighter than her current. So I’m afraid of hitting a nerve or hurting her feelings by making that suggestion. I do think it would work better though

View Quoted Comment She would not be the first woman to go up in size numbers which are bigger, but as though a person just taller, but width and weight of a trim figure. And not realize, that when you go to plus size, the designer assumes you are carrying extra weight. Bust darts allow for not just bigger breasts in cup size, but differences in spread, distance around armholes and neck openings. To try on clothes that are designed for people carrying more weight, can actually mean trying clothes that really do fit. And some of the body distortion issues, will turn out to be from always fit into something a different cut than her body. Do her a kindness, and go to plus sizes . This has to be stressful on both of you.

View Quoted Comment It is super stressful! And I’ve been trying to find flattering dresses for her but she’s starting to get snippy and annoyed (hence my vent session) because my anxiety doesn’t want to deal with this right now. And I get the feeling she doesn’t want to be in the wedding, I gave her a chance to back out about two months ago and now we’re down to 3 months away. So I feel like I’m in super tight spot of waiting for her to tell me or keep annoying her with dresses. Thanks for your suggestion!

I am sorry you are dealing with this girl. I had a friend that I asked to be a bridesmaid and she said yes from the get go. Everytime we started doing wedding stuff she wouldn't partake. She was always sick or her kids were always sick and when we would try to reschedule it was the same thing. i brushed it off in the beginning because we started planning 14 months prior.. but as we started getting to the 6 and 7 month mark I was asking again. I messaged her A LOT asking if she could get together this and that and she pretty much ignored me. This started happening after my sister passed away and I missed her kids birthday. We talked once before my sons birthday and I haven't heard from her sense. That was St. Pattys day. I let it go and started making arrangements for someone to fill her spot. I messaged her last week and told her " Hey, I have been trying to get in contact with you and you haven't been answering. I'm not sure if its a money issue or what but i want you to know theres no hard feelings. I have assumed you are no longer able to fulfill your spot as a bridesmaid, which is perfectly okay. I wish you would have reached out to me but thats in the past. You still have a spot at the wedding but I have gone another route for bridesmaids and no longer have a spot for you in the wedding party." She still hasn't messaged me. Honestly in your case it may be a money issue... Our wedding is a destination as wedding as well and we are actually paying for the entire lodging for the wedding party they just need to get their attire and make the drive up (we live in FL and are getting married in TN). She has twin 5 year olds so I'm 90% sure hers was about money issues too and travel. Seems like you have been more than accommodating but you don't need that stress and just kind of have to let it go with her unfortunately.

As for the bachelorette party that could be a money issue as well for everyone. I also went through that. We had planned a weekend get away to Disney and slowly but surely people started bailing and it got too expensive. We changed up our plans to something a little more affordable and I have a lot more people in on it now.

I totally understand I went from 6 bridesmaids to 2 bridesmaids I got to the point that its much easier to work with 2 girls then 6, its already stressful as a bride trying to get things done. Less stress is the way to go!!!

View Quoted Comment Ugh yes I can so relate! She doesn’t even have kids, she keeps using her dogs as an excuse, but her and her husband go on weekend trips other times and her mom watches their dogs. So somehow my stuff is different. Shes just stopped trying to make time for my wedding stuff, even to see the dress I bought for her. To me this is a sign she’s not longer interested. I’ve tried to make it affordable, their dresses have been less than $100, however I understand it’s a struggle for some people to spend money if it’s not for something they want. Which is why I’m upset she even said yes. I’m sorry you’ve been through this as well! It’s such a struggle and it’s not like we need the added stress, there’s already enough to deal with! I have no clue how people manage to have such big bridal parties!!

View Quoted Comment I feel ya. I’m about to make the numbers uneven by offering her to back out. My FH will still have 4 and I’ll be down to 3. But I don’t even care at this point. I just want to cut the stress out and enjoy it!