Bridesmaid ignoring me - did she quit my wedding without telling me?

I would be really hurt if someone I was really good friends with quit where we worked without telling me herself. Why didn't you just talk to her about it outside of work?

I think she's overreacting, but regardless your actions hurt her feelings. All you can do is explain you didn't intend to offend her, and that you are sorry you did. It's then up to her to accept and move on. Good luck! Sorry you have to go through additional stress!

It was hard to get enough detail in the original post with the limited number of characters. Basically, when we had talked about all the changes at first, she more or less told me "I'm sorry you're upset, but you'll get over it." She was very cold and standoffish about it all, I assume because she didn't want to risk saying anything bad about the company since she had just been promoted. I got the job offer on a Thursday, discussed it with my fiancé that night, and went to my boss first thing Friday morning. For the record, I planned to talk to her about it that day, it just happened she heard it from someone else before I could talk to her. Literally a couple of hours is all we are talking about. I didn't give 2 weeks, work the whole 2 weeks, and have her find out from someone else on my last day. It all happened in a matter of hours. I explained to her that she had seemed like she didn't want to discuss work, and I had tried to respect that. I also told her that by going through the proper channels of who needed to know first (you ARE supposed to tell your superiors first, before blabbing to everyone else), it prevented her from being backed into a corner by other management and having them say to her "you knew she was quitting, why didn't you tell us?" I apologized all over the place that she felt awkward when coworkers questioned her, but that I ultimately was trying to respect what she made clear she wanted (not overlapping friend and work), that I wasn't trying to hurt her or keep her out of the loop. Also, in a fun twist of double standards, she knew I was being demoted and moved to the worst department of the company for two solid weeks and said nothing. No "hey, friend to friend, they are moving you soon. Don't say anything, because you aren't supposed to know yet, but I didn't want you to be blindsided." Nope. She kept it to herself and let me get hauled into the back office without warning, because it needed to go through the proper channels, and our friendship needed to be kept separate. So, why the double standard? Why does she now get to say, as a friend I should have told her first? We literally never see each other at work. My leaving in no way impacted the workload of anyone in her team. I guess I just don't understand why she is taking this so personally. Had she been even the slightest bit supportive when I said I was unhappy with the changes and planned to seek employment elsewhere, I would have gladly continued to communicate with her about it. But she told me to just get over it and she didn't want me "putting her in an uncomfortable position" by discussing work. I'm just super confused on how she would have preferred me to handle getting the news to her, and why this seems to have completely ended our friendship. Even if I am 100% wrong and she is 100% right (which I don't believe, but for the sake of argument), is a friendship not worth listening and accepting an apology? I understand she feels hurt, but is she incapable of understanding where I was coming from, and that I really wasn't trying to be malicious, but rather respect her request?? The better option is just to terminate the friendship rather than work through the only fight we've ever had? I don't get it.

I'm sorry you're going through that. You've been more than reasonable and you owe her nothing... she made it clear that she didn't want to overlap work and personal. My gut feeling is that she used this as a convenient excuse to end contact with you. Sounds like her promotion really went to her head. I think you've done everything a reasonable person could do to smooth the situation over (and it really should not have been that big of a deal in the first place, it was only a couple of hours) and if she chooses not to respond that's on her not on you. Unfortunately it hurts you and I'm sorry about that.

Let it go, and move on. You went above and beyond trying to connect with her. She is the one with issues, not you. Chances are she hates the company and may be jealous your out and she is not.

Frankly I don't think you even owe her an apology, at least not any more than you already have. I can't even begin to theorize what the hell she's so bent out of shape about, but it's not your problem.

I totally see your perspective on this issue (thanks for the comment about all the other context). She told you flat out that she doesn't want your work and personal lives to overlap (who even says something like that to a "friend," that alone seems really odd to me but anyway), she knows you've been upset in your company for very understandable reasons, you get a job offer, you leave your job. If your leaving really does not impact her in any way, she is being petty and childish. And BTW, like you said, you're doing exactly what she asked you to do.

I say, don't try to reach out to her for a little while (about work, wedding, or any other personal reasons). Just let her be and see if she comes to you. She may be under a large amount of stress with the new company changes that you don't know about, so perhaps her reaction to this situation is an expression of that stress. I dunno.

I wouldn't count her out of the wedding just yet, because that is a definite friendship ender. Just take a few weeks to let yourselves cool off and revisit a conversation.

Thanks, everyone. I feel like I've been pretty laid back about the whole wedding process. Yes, I have vision of how I want to be, but nothing crazy. I paid for the girls' dresses (which they all said they liked) and told them I had no preference on hair, makeup, jewelry, shoes, etc. Whatever made them feel beautiful. They all agreed they wanted to have their hair done professionally, so I found a stylist (recommended by the bridesmaid in question, actually). I haven't asked any of them to do anything, because they are all busy. I send pictures and bounce ideas off them, but none of them really seemed interested in doing much hands on, which is fine. The basic theme from all of them through the whole process has been "we're busy, but fine with whatever you want." But now, I'm in a position of needing to get the contract with details back to the stylist, and I don't know whether to include this girl or not. After the very lengthy apology, I asked her if she still wanted to be in the wedding. I said I understood she was angry, and was going to need some time, and that was fine. But I wanted to know if she just wanted me to give her a little space for a while, or if she was just done with being my friend. She hasn't responded. How long is appropriate to wait for an answer on that? I'm thinking maybe a week, and if she is still giving me the silent treatment, maybe sending another message that says I am interpreting her silence as her answer, that she doesn't want to be in the wedding, and that if I am wrong to please respond. At this point, I wonder how awkward everything will be if she decides to remain in the bridal party anyway. Sigh. 16 weeks out and I wonder why we didn't just elope and tick off everyone equally!!

I agree there is a double standard here but if you are reaching out and she's not responding then move forward. She should be able to respect how things were handled especially because of the work environment. If that's all it took for her to not be in your wedding anymore then to me consider yourself blessed that she is not returning your calls. But let it go. Move on. I know it hurts but nothing more you can do if you've tried to contact her and explain. Either one of two things will happen. She will come around or she won't!

Okay, call me crazy. But she doesn't deserve an apology. For crying out loud she sounds like a dramatic teenager that needs to get a grip

I don't know if I missed it, or if you didn't say how long ago all this played out. If it was fairly recent I would just keep her in the loop with anything you share with the rest of the BM's. There really isn't anything pressing 4 months out.

I don't think you did anything wrong. She reacted inappropriately and may, in fact, be embarrassed about her reaction.

Muriel, good point. This all happened a week ago. I supposed I can just go ahead and give the stylist the info including her, and it can be changed later if need be. I just hate the silent treatment, and I asked her yesterday morning if she still wanted to be in the wedding. I am trying sooooooo hard not to notice and be petty about how much she's on social media while giving me silence. I don't think 15 seconds to send a text either saying, "yes, I still want to be in it I'm just pissed and need some time" or "I think it's best if I step down" is too much to ask for. I hadn't considered the possibility that she might be embarrassed of her reaction after the fact. But, I tried explaining everything the day it happened and she didn't answer. I waited a few days, then sent a follow up saying that I knew she was super busy, but I just wanted to make sure we were okay. No answer again. Then a few days after that, I sent a message asking how her work trip was (she was out of town a couple days). Yesterday (a full week since the initial fight) she responded with a terse "trip went well, good meetings." and then said in response to me asking if we were okay that she "didn't really know how to respond" and that she was "sorry things got so bad for me at work" but that my actions put her in an awkward position and the results impacted her work so it was a difficult situation. Then ended it with saying she should have gotten a heads up from a friend, rather than being questioned by colleagues. Which led to me explaining why I resigned the way I did as mentioned above, and an apology. Silence since yesterday morning. I will back off for a week or so, but I hate the silent treatment, and I hate passive aggressiveness. I don't go looking for conflict, but I would rather be direct and deal with issues, rather than letting them fester. If all she needs is time to cool down and some space for awhile, that's fine too. But letting someone know you just need to cool off is not the same thing as stonewalling them. One is mature, requires communication of the desire for space, and can be used in a healthy way. The other is very dysfunctional.

" But letting someone know you just need to cool off is not the same thing as stonewalling them. One is mature, requires communication of the desire for space, and can be used in a healthy way. The other is very dysfunctional. "

Agreed.

I would just let it play out and see what happens. She may dig herself in so deep that your friendship is irreparable.

It's your choice when and if you quit. She's a friend not your lover. She doesn't need to be in all of your choices and if you work in different departments then it shouldn't have effected her at all. I can understand if you literally work in the same office and you keep each other company and she is sad and lonely but that doesn't sound like the case.

I started working at the company a few years ago, but didn't know who she was. We actually met at our local community theatre, and then discovered that we worked for the same company. Work really never had anything to do with our friendship, other than occasionally emailing back and forth about shows we were working on. Looking back now, I feel like I may have been more invested than she was. I wasn't invited to her baby shower for her daughter. I didn't think much of it at the time, but in retrospect, that seems a little weird to me now.

You have to take care of your own health first. You were also trying to leave on best terms as possible. If she is going to be petty then maybe it is alright if she steps away. Give some breathing room.

No. No. No. Why does she get to keep her mouth shut about things that impact your wok environment negatively but you don't get to keep your mouth shut about her work environment negatively. I actually think it was best she didn't put herself in an awkward position and tell you what was happening but I also think you were under no obligation to tell her and went about things the right way. I think you need to stop apologizing to her and tell her she can't by a hypocrite. I am very much about saving friendships but she seems to be very self-involved and only care about her own career.

The baby shower thing is weird to me. Well, it's all odd, but sounds like you may be better off without her!