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Beginner January 2028

Bridesmaid help

Erika, on August 12, 2019 at 12:11 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 7

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Hi,

You guys have always been so great before with advice and I need help again. The majority of my wedding party is together. Matron of Honor and currently 3 bridesmaids.

I have room for one bridesmaid and she's been my dearest friend for the last 10 years. We live on opposite sides of the U.S and we text every single day and talk on the phone a few times a month. When I think of my wedding, I really want her with me.

Here's the dilemma. She's had a hard life. Her mom has been manipulative all her life and she recently moved out of the town where her mom resides so she can truly start her life. But with that comes moving expenses and stuff like that.

She was out of work for a few months but recently got a good paying job. She's had her car repossessed twice. When she got her car, she was going through a health battle and took her mom with her to get her car and she got wrapped up in a huge payment she couldn't afford, ect.

Anyway, I want to ask her to be in the wedding but I am fully aware that being in a person's wedding is expensive.

I would obviously make it clear that I don't expect her to come to the bridal shower or the bachelorette party. As long as she could come for the weekend of the wedding with the rehearsal dinner/wedding day, ect.

Our wedding is October 2020.

If anyone has thoughts on what I should do, please drop them here.

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7 Comments

Latest activity by Ivy ORP, on August 12, 2019 at 2:12 PM

Expert April 2020
Jill · on August 12, 2019 at 12:19 PM
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I personally asked all of my bridesmaids if they would be able to afford it before I asked them officially. I don't see any harm in asking her if she would want to be. Just let her know what you told us and tell her you understand completely if she can't be in the wedding. I know online websites like azazie make affordable bridesmaid dresses if the cost of a dress is also a concern.
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Master June 2019
Danielle · on August 12, 2019 at 12:23 PM
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I agree with this. Also, if you really want her to be in your wedding, because she is your nearest & dearest, then you could offer to pay her expenses so you can have her with you on your big day.
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VIP June 2020
Jessica · on August 12, 2019 at 12:42 PM
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I would deff. ask her and just let her know that you know what she is going through and that her not being there for bridal shower and bach party and just be there for the wedding is perfectly ok with you but if it is something she cannot fully commit to you would also understand and would still love her to be at the wedding.
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Dedicated October 2021
Helena · on August 12, 2019 at 12:55 PM
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I would definitely ask her with the understanding that she may not be able to pay for things or attend as many events but I'm sure she would be honored to be asked since you seem close. She also has time to save up since you're getting married in October of next year (us too!) so hopefully her new job will make that easier for her.
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Super October 2019
Cassi · on August 12, 2019 at 1:34 PM
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My best friend is in NY and I am in FL. She won't be down for Bach party or bridal shower but is coming in two days before wedding and leaving day or 2 after. if its important to her she will make it work. the only expense my Best friend has incurred being my BM is her dress ($120 and her transportation to wedding which her brother is also coming too so they are car pooling to TN). I paid her lodging (and everyone elses in wedding party since its a DW). I vote you just talk to her about it. At the very least if she can't do it I'm sure she will be honored you even asked. Plus shes got some time to save!
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VIP October 2020
Samantha · on August 12, 2019 at 1:56 PM
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Absolutely ask her. Don’t make the decision for her just because you think it will be a hardship. As PP’s have mentioned you should be upfront about the cost and tell her you completely understand either way, but let her make the decision. I don’t think it’s fair to say that if it’a important to her, she’ll make it work. Sometimes you physically, emotionally, or economically are not capable of being there for someone in the way they want you to be no matter how much you want to be.
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VIP October 2019
Ivy ORP · on August 12, 2019 at 2:12 PM
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Exactly this.
It's obvious just reading your post that you care about her and understand the life struggles she's had. Just let her know you want her there but you also understand that it may be a daunting prospect right now. She may appreciate the consideration for her situation.
I had to call one of my closest friends in the world before we sent invites. I know about life struggles in his life that might make it hard for him to pay to come up for the weekend. I made sure he knew how much I wanted him there but also that I did not want to add more worry to him or his bank account. He was actually happy that I asked first because if he had simply received the invitation he would have put a huge strain on the finances to be there for me, but since I presented him with it beforehand he didn't feel bad letting me know it would be a bit of a burden. We simply plan to celebrate when he is settled in New Orleans! How could I not love that idea???
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