Bridesmaid heartache - help!

You’ve already asked her to be a bridesmaid though right? Telling her to step down because you’re hurt she didn’t include you in her bridal party would be immature and a friendship ending move in my opinion. You certainly don’t have to do the reading at her wedding if you don’t want to, but I don’t think it’s fair to be this mad at her for simply having other closer relationships. She didn’t pick 13 bridesmaids and you didn’t make the cut- she picked 4.

I can empathize with the gut check of not being asked when you thought it would happen, but as a fellow bride to be remember these decisions are difficult, she is still asking for you to be involved, and she's having a small wedding party.

You can say that you understand that being a bridesmaid doesn’t have to be reciprocal and that you don’t want to ruin your 20 year friendship a thousand times over, but that’s exactly what you will do if you kick her out of your bridal party. I think you need to step back and take some time to think about this. It could be handled in a much more mature way.

I've been in several weddings and tbh none of those brides are in my bridal party. It was a hard decision because you want to do the same as they let you be part of their day, but then would end up with like 14 bridesmaids and that would be crazy. I also have a friend, who I've known for about 12 years, who I didnt not put in my bridal party because she has financial issues, has 2 kids and a single mother. I assumed that it would be a hard ask due to her situation. She was extremely hurt that I didnt not ask her and I told her why and she told me that its her situation to deal with and not mine. But, I could not have that on my conscience. She was upset and eventually got over it and it now just a guest. So, I have been in your friends shoes and I personally have assumed in the past and it's not something to lose a friend over. At least, she is still making you a part of her day.

I think you are really emotionally over the top, an immediate reaction, right now. But will see, when you calm down and look at thinks reasonably, that friends and family , love and friendship, are not things most people quantify, or rank. They do not think, who is better than whom, who is the 3rd or 6th of some person's sisters, cousins, SIL, and total pool of long term and current friends. Who is your own. Some people have few long term friends, 1 or 2 at a time, and some drop out over time and are replaced with a new bestie, so in 25 years of living, they have accumulated 1 or 2 new people every 4-5 years, and have lost 3-4 from rarely seeing them over time. And others always have 3-6 friends they see constantly, share some same and some different things with. And as they move through periods of schooling, or jobs, most of old friends the continue to write and talk to, though at a distance and rarely seen, but pick right up where they left off, when they do see them. Friendships wax and wane. The person you are closest to for childhood, less close in high school, then you both made all new friends, may be the person you again see most of when you both get jobs in some distant city. Like a reshuffling of the same few cards, adding a few extra, subtracting a few. But what matters is, is this person someone you care about, who cares about you? You include 5 of your closest what, 5 or 8 or 10 closest friends over time? She includes a SIL ( family) and 3 friends plus a reader or 2 of her closest 5 or 8 or 10 friends. Getting upset she was one of your 5 friends you chose as bridesmaid, but you are not one of her 3 non-family ones, is silly. It does not mean one of you is more or less loved. And though she did not say it, part if why she chose you to be a reader, a day of thing, is because with you planning your own wedding, and her in it, she thinks you two will already be spending a lot of time together. But she is more likely to do more planning and things with one of 3 friends or SIL who is not busy planning her own wedding. This, that person a BM, you a reader... I get this stuff all the time, because I am one of 9 kids, and have a same age brother. And people try to make it sound like this one loves that one more because that is the person they are being BM for, or rooming with, or going to Europe with. Or this other sibling is mean and awful to me because she set her wedding date 6 weeks before me, and a brother set his 3 weeks before the sisters. But that is nonsense. We all love each other. Our parents have plenty of love for every one of us. And no shortage of family and friends at the weddings of 4 siblings, 2 first cousins if ours, and my grandmother, in 9 months. And no one of us had more than one sister or brother or cousin, in their BP, and some had none, just friends. But nothing changes how much we love and care for each other, eve though at different times we chose only one other to do something, one we overlap interests we have in this thing, another we do something else with. I hope when your head takes over and you think things through you will not reject this person you consider yourself so close to, because you have made it all about ranking friends, like love is some fixed thing you measure and compare. That is not how it works. Cheer up, say YES wholeheartedly, and simply enjoy what time you do spend together. Don't stress out and sour your friendship by playing a " I love you better than you love me" headgame.

Shes still including you, which means something to her obviously. Maybe she just wanted to limit her party. You can explain younger a bit emotional because you would have loved to be a bridesmaid but now that you thought about it you understand her choice doenst have to match yours. It's just an wedding party lol

Maybe she didn't want to pressure you to take on a responsibility when you are living abroad and getting married yourself.

I think having you be a part of her wedding in any way means that she cares about you! I understand completely how you are feeling though. I had a best friend all the way through middle and high school and we were inseparable. Throughout college we talked but when she started to date her now husband, she almost completely cut me out of her life. I had always imagined her as my maid of honor!! I didn’t even get asked to be in her wedding in any way, shape, or form, and my fiancé and I were placed at a table with people we didn’t even know at her wedding!! We also traveled 6 hours for the wedding and she spoke two words to me the whole night. So now she is invited as a guest and nothing else at our wedding, which she can’t even come to since her baby is due the week before.

Im hoping that my perspective reiterates the fact that she is including you in some way, meaning she still cares a lot about you!

That’s tough.... I do think it’s rude that people are calling you immature. You obviously love this woman a lot and are heartbroken that it seems the feelings aren’t mutual. Yes the initial reaction to someone hurting you is to do the same to them, but this is one of the times when you have to be the bigger person and not let her decision take away from what you always wanted your wedding day to look like, which was to have her by your side. I think if she does love you she will see how her decision affected you and will make it right. Not saying she’ll ask you to be a bm but hopefully she’ll talk to you about it and put your mind at ease. I know I couldn’t do that to a close friend, hear them cry on the phone about it, and then not try to make it right. That’s just not what good friends do.