We're here to help you keep moving forward, no matter what your plans are.

K
Expert February 2020

Bridesmaid headache, ugh!

Kristina, on May 23, 2019 at 12:37 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 16
Saved Save
Reply

So I have 3 BMs. I love all of them, but 1 of them in particular is acting kinda like a diva. I have tried to make plans to BM dress shop where all 3 could make it, so they could meet before the wedding and we could have a girls day. BUT 1 of these is not like the others lol. 2 of my girls are extremely flexible and for the most part any day or time will work for them. We planned a Saturday a few weeks ago and all 3 girls knew about it. The night before the appt I was talking with girl #3 and mentioned I cant wait for her to meet everyone and she said " that is this weekend, the 17th is tomorrow? I totally forgot and I am going to CA for the weekend, you should have told me to put it in my scheduling book" I was like ..... um.... not my job to make sure you have it written down in your book and keep on top of you about this(not trying to be a controlling bride). I then tried to schedule a new appt with all 3 of them 2 monthes out and #3 has one or another reasons she can not make any of the times, or she wants me to cancel appts I have for other things (not wedding related, health related) to go when she wants. Finally the other 2 girls decided they can meet #3 at the wedding and picked a day and time to go dress shopping(so easy). #3 goes to CA every other weekend to drink and hangout with old friends and that is fine. I just cant believe it is so hard to get her for 1 hour to go dress shopping. Plus I didn't realize how much she drinks and apparently she told a mutual friend, she never has one drink I was like great now do I have to worry about her being drunk and out of control at the wedding. I have seen her drunk once and that was enough, it was very uncomfortable and she was out of hand and loud. I was hoping as she is 33 and having her child there it will keep her in control, however the last time I saw her drinking, her kiddo was there and she was still acting like a party girl. When I asked her to be in my wedding she was not like this, it has changed since she is separating from her husband.


I don't know what I am going to do but I appreciate being able to vent it out here Smiley smile

16 Comments

Latest activity by Kristina, on May 28, 2019 at 5:56 PM
  • J
    Dedicated October 2019
    Jeana ·
    • Flag
    She sounds like a mess right now. Do you still want her in your wedding? If not, you could maybe talk to her and say “hey, I know things have been tough for you since separating from your husband. I can understand that this might make it hard for you to participate in a wedding given all that you’ve got going on with that. I totally understand if you don’t want to be a bridesmaid anymore. I won’t be mad or hurt. I just want to you to be happy!”
    • Reply
  • Iva
    Super September 2019
    Iva ·
    • Flag
    Sorry for your frustration. When you have nothing positive to say about a woman who is supposed to be one of your closest friends, then it might be time to re-evaluate your friendships. Otherwise, it reflects badly on you. There is a great saying: we are the average of 10 closest people we surround ourselves with.
    • Reply
  • K
    Expert February 2020
    Kristina ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I love her and like I said she has not always been this way, she is not a bad friend. She just seems to have turned into a party girl since she decided to separate from her husband. I think because she had been with him all through her late teens, all her 20's and early 30's she is now trying to live a life I believe she feels she missed. She is a great friend, difficult BM for sure, but still a great friend outside of wedding stuff, lol. You know when something bad is happening in your life, it tends to spill over into everything, at least for a while, I think this is happening with her at the moment.

    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I really love this.

    If she can't make time to go shopping, go shopping without her. Tell her what dress you chose, what color, and when she needs to purchase it by. I don't think it needs to be that complicated.

    • Reply
  • K
    Expert February 2020
    Kristina ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I think you read my matron of honors mind, lol She literally just told me this. So myself and my 2 other girls are going shopping and like you said, we will pick out a few options in the color I picked and then let #3 know the shop they are at and when she needs to order by.


    #3 is a good friend but I think since she has been married since 19 (she's in her mid 30's now) she is trying to live out a life she missed now that she is single. Before I bring up possibly asking her to setup down from her BM duties I will give her the summer to see if it gets out of her system. If she doesn't then Ill talk to her about going easy at the wedding with the drinking. I have maybe 2 drinks a year but she is not me, and we all deal with life changes differently. I really want her there and will do everything I can before I consider anything drastic.


    I just needed to vent everything out, and get a clear mind, so thank you ladies Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    She is enjoying her life. I don't see anything wrong with that. It doesn't, by any stretch of the imagination, mean that she's going to get inebriated and ruin your reception. I would honestly be really offended if one of my friends had a conversation with me like that, so I would tread lightly if that's what you decide to do. Just letting the bartender know to keep an eye out and make sure that she's not over served should be sufficient.

    • Reply
  • K
    Expert February 2020
    Kristina ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I didn't think of the bartender idea. I hope she gets it out of her system in the next few months. Before her separation she was one to drink responsibly versus getting trashed every weekend. I have gently talked with her as a friend recently about slowing down on the drinking but I feel it fell on deaf ears. I keep an eye on her at get togethers and if I leave before her (which is the norm) I have a mutual friend that keeps an eye on her as well. The BM dress shopping thing is frustrating as a bride, however I wont be a bride my whole life or her my BM so I want to make sure I am their for my friend if this drinking thing is more then just living out a life she missed.

    • Reply
  • Mandi
    Master October 2020
    Mandi ·
    • Flag
    Break ups are hard yo. She's going thru something. Be supportive.

    To be honest, if I'm stressed out, I dont drink because I wont drink just one. I will get lit. I'm 31.

    I also am that friend who has to schedule plans weeks in advance.

    I picked out my bridesmaids dresses and the colors and told them what to get. I dont consider myself controlling, but in any wedding I or my friends have been in, the bride chooses the dress and color and we just go along. Taking the other 2 to do this shouldn't be an issue.
    • Reply
  • Fwbride
    Super July 2024
    Fwbride ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Well said 👏🏾 👏🏾 You know your friend better than anyone on a forum and if you think she may be getting out of control then it is your duty to be there for her and bring it to her attention. A good friend doesn’t ignore red flags. That’s a lesson I’ve thoroughly learned from having a decade long friendship with someone who is very up and down!
    • Reply
  • K
    Expert February 2020
    Kristina ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I feel like evaluating my friendships is a bit harsh. At 34 I have a small group of friends (quality not quantity these days) and we're all pretty much the same Smiley smile But one thing is we are always there for one another. Yes her being a difficult BM sucks and makes things complicated for me at the moment. But at the same time I am starting to feel that the drinking may be a bigger issue, however it is to soon to judge, we shall see what she is like in the next few months. I think of the movie Bad Moms when she first separates from her husband and is all party and drinking and crazy but in the end for herself and her kiddo she figures herself out and settles down to her new less crazy norm Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • K
    Expert February 2020
    Kristina ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I think it may easy the stress a bit. The other 2 girls are super excited to pick out dresses and Ill have them try on a few different styles even if they find ones they love (they will all be in different dresses, same color) so that I can take pictures to send to #3 to give her a few options to pick from.

    • Reply
  • Mandi
    Master October 2020
    Mandi ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I think this the best choice you can make. Hope it goes well!
    • Reply
  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    I have a friend who is similar. We had several conversations with her over the course of a few years and now she's getting help. It's good you're keeping an eye on her. I hope she takes your advice soon. Have the bar tender keep an eyeball on her, they're trained to do that.
    I'd say assign her firm things ie:
    We are wearing this dress in this color you have to order it by DATE.
    You will probably need to be a little on top of her it seems like, but remember it's for both of your own good. Following up every few weeks will be good for you both.
    • Reply
  • Madison
    Devoted May 2022
    Madison ·
    • Flag
    I’m talking to my bartender in much advance. I do not drink. I have never liked the way it made people act and honestly when people get out of control I get stressed and that’s the last thing I want to happen at my wedding. That being said still having a fun bar but will definitely be telling the bartender to no over serve, to keep the drinks as light as possible and I hope that will help. I’m sorry you’re friend is going through this and you are having to deal with it. I agree just to shop with the other two and to tell her what she needs to order and by when. Maybe if you have the time you could meet up with her and shop with her that way it’s just time for the two of you and you could tell her that you want her there to be apart of your wedding. Maybe talking to her and letting her know her importance in your big day will help her at least within the wedding aspect of things. I would say something like “I wanted to come with you today so we could spend time together and see how you are doing with evening that’s going on. Is being a part of my wedding something you are excited about because I am so happy you said yes to being a bridesmaids and I want to make sure you’re still feeling good about being in the wedding”. Nothing has to be too complicated. She’s your good friend from the sounds of it. I think even though the timing is unfortunate that she needs some support.
    • Reply
  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
    • Flag

    Have you asked her how she is, if she is stressed, if the wedding is causing too much stress for her? I personally didn't get my bridesmaids together at all pre-wedding. I've never bridesmaid dress shopped when I've been in weddings or done any pre-wedding bridesmaids meetings. That's what the bachelorette & bridal shower is for. And all my bridesmaids couldn't attend either of those, which is also totally fine.

    • Reply
  • K
    Expert February 2020
    Kristina ·
    • Flag

    UPDATE***

    So I set an appt at the dress store for a month out to look at BM dresses and I let the girls know. I told them if someone is not able to make it, to not worry, the girls that do come will take pictures of all the dresses they try on that fit the wedding i.e. color and length and then I would send them the pics to decide which one they liked as well as send the date they need to order it by. They all seem pretty cool with it, and to be honest it is like a huge weight has been lifted off my wedding planning shoulders lol.


    Thank you all for your advise and suggestions, it helped so much more then you'll ever know Smiley smile

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics