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Just Said Yes January 2020

Bridesmaid guilt - any advice?

Bridetobe12520, on September 9, 2019 at 6:44 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 6

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Hey everyone! I’m getting married in 5 months (ahh!) and it’s all coming together just fine. Honestly, it’s been pretty stress-free - fingers crossed it stays that way.

The one stressful part that I can’t seem to get past is choosing bridesmaids. I have chosen 7 and I love them all - they all bring something special that I want by my side on that day. However, I have a close friend from college who I did not include, and I’m feeling really guilty about it. We were truly like sisters in college and for a year or two afterwards when we both moved to the same city, but we had a big falling out a couple of years ago after we had started to grow apart and I felt I really needed some distance from our maybe too-close friendship. We’ve grown apart for sure and have had multiple falling outs and many ups and downs since, but we still have a bond that I can’t really explain. When we got engaged we were in one of our “weird” periods, so I didn’t select her, but she’s invited to the wedding of course and I included her in the bachelorette party. She truthfully brings me a lot of stress (which I think is mostly caused by guilt and anxiety on my end), but I always pictured her up there with me on that day. I can’t decide if I want her up there with me because I always pictured her up there or because I really want her up there. I’m worried I will be more stressed or even sad on the big day if I don’t include her, but I also feel like including her feels phony and forced for some reason. I’m all over the place! Any advice??

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6 Comments

Latest activity by Jackie, on September 10, 2019 at 2:30 AM

Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on September 9, 2019 at 7:21 AM
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Regardless of how you feel at this point, I think it's too late to ask her. You've already selected your bridal party and adding her as an afterthought, in my opinion, would be more hurtful than just not.
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Expert May 2019
Kat · on September 9, 2019 at 7:27 AM
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Could you ask her to do a reading? It’s a nice way to include someone that’s not in the bridal party. We did that with my husband’s friend - he did an amazing job and seemed happy to have a role in our ceremony.

I agree it’s too late to add a bridesmaid.
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Super October 2019
Sara · on September 9, 2019 at 8:04 AM
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Agreed that it's too late to add her without it feeling like an add-on, but asking her to do something else for the wedding could be a nice touch!
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Just Said Yes January 2020
Bridetobe12520 · on September 9, 2019 at 8:05 AM
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Thanks to the above ladies. You both make great points, and a reading is a good idea. I however don’t think it’s ever “too late” to do the right thing. And we have the kind of relationship where I feel like I could be honest with her and tell her I didn’t feel we were in a good place at the time — IF I really want her up there. That’s more the dilemma than the timing. I can’t decide what’s best for me and our friendship.
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Master January 2015
null · on September 9, 2019 at 8:14 AM
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I would generally say the same as the other ladies about it being "too late", but I completely agree with you about doing the right thing. You know your relationship with her better than we do, and if that's something you could be upfront with her about, I don't think she'd take it as you seeing her as "an afterthought". I can see how it would be difficult to tell if you want her up there or just always pictured it, so I think the best thing to do is ask yourself "Is my wedding/pre-wedding event going to be better or worse if she's included?"
If it's too much stress/drama to add her, then there's your answer. But I think if you find yourself really torn about not including her, it sounds like you do really want her to be a part of things. But that's just my two cents, best of luck to you in whatever you decide!
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Dedicated October 2020
Jackie · on September 10, 2019 at 2:30 AM
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I agree with everyone else - you can ask her to do something special on your wedding day (but I wouldn't add her to the bridal party - especially if there is a risk of a falling out in the next few months!) Try not to feel so stressed about it because she will still be there to celebrate with you! If you do end up feeling like you regret your decision, you can maybe include her in some of the wedding party photos.
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