Bridesmaid for Bridesmaid? Is that fair, normal, doesn't matter?

Honestly, I think it's good that she asked rather than be upset and not say anything. I certainly don't think it has to be reciprocal. Everyone has different needs. I have no sisters and no adult girl cousins. It might be easier for me to choose friends as bridesmaids than someone who has multiple sisters or girl cousins.

You're definitely correct that just because you were her bridesmaid doesn't mean she should be yours. If you've grown apart, she should have already known why. I'm sorry she put you in an awkward position.

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I agree with this. It may be awkward that she asked but you should be happy she is comfortable to be upfront about it rather than be upset about it and not say anything, fostering resentment and probably making things even more awkward and potentially ruining a friendship. I also agree it is not always reciprocal. Things and relationships change over time due to so many factors and you are not always going to be as close to everyone as you are in one moment to the next. You should pick those you are closest to at the time you are choosing.

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Agreed. I don't get it because surely she knows too that we don't talk as much anymore. A phone works both ways. I know we are both busy but still. I don't think anyone who moves away can expect the relationships to still stay the same.

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Yeah I can understand this as well. She's never the person to keep stuff in. I didn't completely lie I also just didn't want to hurt her feelings. I think her and I just look at the choosing part differently and that's okay. I only have my sister, but I am thankful I was gifted the ability to not have to chose a MOH between my friends haha. Although I know there are people out there that still chose a bestfriend over family, my FH included!

It's completely situational. Every bride needs to decide for herself who is a member of her bridal party. There could be any number of reasons why you didn't pick her.

But I agree with the previous commenters that I think it is good that she mentioned how she felt to you instead of bottling it up!

No, it is definitely not a "tit for tat" situation. Life happens and relationships change. It's actually nice that she felt comfortable enough to ask you about it instead of brewing over it.

For reference, I've been MOH 5 times! One of those previous brides is now my MOH and one is a bridesmaid, but the other 3 aren't even invited to my wedding! We never had a falling out. We just drifted apart over the years as our lives went separate ways.

I agree, it's not her place to question your BP choices and I can understand that made you feel really awkward.

But at the same time...there are so many posts on these forums from women in situations like this who just stew in silence over these things and don't know how to communicate with each other and let it fester until it ruins the friendship, so it's kinda refreshing to see someone just be upfront and ask about it. Again, she didn't need to ask, but if this helps diffuse the awkwardness and put everyone on the same page about the status of this friendship, maybe it was good that she asked.

View Quoted Comment Makes sense! Yeah the open conversation helps rather than stewing like you said. Better than her being mad at me that’s for sure!

I don’t think just because you were in someone’s wedding that you are required to have them be a part of your bridal party. I’ve been a MOH in 1 wedding and a bridesmaid in 2 others. I’m only having 1 of them be apart of my wedding party. I wish I could have a larger bridal party to include them, they are important to me, but I also have family that I am including in my bridal party.

I feel like many people do think it is tit for tat, but it also really depends on the situation. If you are only having family in your bridal party, then not asking someone you were a bridesmaid for is understandable. I was in my friend's wedding so come to me getting engaged, I think that she assumed she would be in mine (and she was totally right to assume that). I started to talk to my cousin again shortly after getting engaged and while we were not close even back then, I was in her bridal party. I have nothing against her, but I know my aunt would have been hurt more than my cousin if I had not asked.

I think it really depends on your friendship and how you view it. There are a few people that I have lost touch with or not as close over the past five years that were a big part of my relationship and life and I feel a little sad that they are not there (only one was actually invited as a guest). Maybe you can find another way to include her?

View Quoted Comment Very true. I’m fearing I’m gonna make her mad if I don’t ask her now to go to the bachelorette as well. But she’s been so busy with school and has an internship this summer. I am inviting girls outside of my bridal party. So it seems like I should at least ask cuz if she’s already sorta upset or questioning why I didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid, she might feel bad if I don’t ask her to the bachelorette if the outside friends do in fact come. It’s not a small cost though (Vegas), but I guess it doesn’t hurt to offer.

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One of the things my fiance said to me when I was talking about my bridesmaids was that people want the chance to say no. I was like huh?! My aunt is not coming to our wedding as it is out of state, but I heard from others in the family that she thought I was going to ask her to be a bridesmaid (which I was not, but I was going to ask her to be one of the witnesses) and I was like why would I ask if I knew she was not coming? He said that sometimes making people feel like you want them there makes them feel good. So I think you offering for her to come to the bachelorette party (if you want her there) is a good idea - even if she can not make it.

It doesn't have to be reciprocated. I have a friend in my wedding party that did not have me in hers and I am in another friend's wedding party, but I did not put her in mine due to matching with FH (yes, I am one of those who won't have more or less than FH's side) and because we have drifted since she started dating her now fiance. Mainly due to her job, but her fiance ALWAYS has to join her every time we want to go out for like dinner or something, so we rarely talk or hang out. But I don't think she knows I already picked and asked my wedding party yet, so I'm not sure how she'll react. I'm still not 100% sure about being in her wedding party due to some other issues, but once I can actually get her without her fiance, I can talk to her about it.

Anyway, it may hurt a little to some people, but everyone has their reasons for not putting someone in their wedding party and no one should ever get mad that they aren't. It's good that she was so calm and collected about it. Three years is a long time though, so if you just don't feel close enough to her to have her by your side, then you shouldn't feel guilty about it. I'm sure she is glad to at least have been invited!

Like others said here, it doesn't have to be that since you were her bridesmaid that she has to be yours. And it's a very good thing she asked about it, though awkward and tough to address, it's a good thing. Instead of stewing on possible reasons why, she got a direct answer from you. And though friends drift apart over time and distance. They both drift at different rates. I learned this personally early on right after college when I reached out to a friend whom I had had for through most of high school and college and thought we were close but she was frank in saying "I don't see you as a close friend." It hurts, but it helps me realize we drift apart at different rates. Your friend might have thought you 2 were still close; but I'm sure she appreciates being invited very much.

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Yeah giving them the option I suppose rather than ignoring them. She'll be in PA for the summer but we are going to Vegas in September, so she'll be back in Florida. It would be something she'd completely have to figure out logistically with flights and such since everyone else going is close to us in PA. But at least offering I don't see why not. I felt the same about the bridal shower. I was going to offer even if she couldn't make it!

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Absolutely! She is glad to be invited! I agree things can change in so many ways for so many reasons. People get busy, and live separate lives. She was also one of my first friends to get married so it makes dynamics certainly different. I would do what's right for how you feel about being in your friend's wedding also!