Bridesmaid etiquette and sil

That’s kind of the risk you take when all things equal, you choose one person with the same relationship or connection to you over another.


Taking care of her own children really isn’t any sort of honor or recognition and walking down the aisle isn’t the same thing. While there was a time generations ago when the bridal party consisted only of one’s single friends, that’s no longer the case.
There’s still plenty of time and of course the sides don’t have to be even. While technically you’ve done nothing wrong, I’d still ask her. You might say that you made a mistake in assuming the role would be a burden, that it was no reflection on your feelings, and that you’re very sorry she was hurt. In general it’s always better to let someone turn you down than to preempt them. For all you know she has childcare covered or would leave the kids at home.
Also keep in mind that all she has to do as a BM is to get the dress agreed upon and support you on your wedding day.

In real life, it’s pretty rare for anyone to get upset over not being a bridesmaid. Because the role is usually reserved for those who are the bride’s closest friends, not in laws that the bride may not have any relationship with and the wedding is not the time to get to know each other, and definitely not out of obligation. It’s incredibly rude for her to demand anything. You did nothing wrong or against etiquette by not asking the sister in law to be a bridesmaid. Did you have a super close relationship with future sister in law when you asked her?


There is a new trend to ask/assign each guest an active role in addition to being a regular guest. Not everyone wants to work to earn the spot, nor do they have the finances or emotional capacity to work on top of being a guest. People can say it’s an honor but the guests don’t always feel it is. By picking roles outside of the standard bridesmaid/groomsman, you are creating an uncomfortable situation for the sister in law and any other guests who have similar requests made of them. That is going against etiquette.
You are not responsible for her feelings or whatever happened in the past at the sister in law’s wedding and the bridesmaid role has never been tit for tat. Making you feel guilt and shame because she has whatever entitlement and regrets that she does is not your responsibility. She is in the wrong, going against etiquette, and you are not required to cater to her or anyone else’s unreasonable demands. She needs a therapist asap and someone to keep a rein on her during the wedding if she chooses to attend.

Wow thank you so much for this response! It’s so hard bc I feel like I’m crazy or stupid for feeling these emotions. It’s also hard bc I want to enjoy this process and this has been such a distraction. Thank you for the encouragement…. I really needed it 💞

View Quoted Comment I don’t think that’s realistic. It’s human nature to feel hurt when one equally related SIL was chosen and the other was not as many past posts on this forum have shown. While there are some obvious exceptions, it’s the same reason etiquette recommends inviting in circles all else being equal. And yes, the role is first and foremost meant as an honor. Unless OP intends to impose inappropriate tasks on people that’s what it is.

Anyway, the point is moot because OP’s SIL IS in fact hurt. This is not some random person, she will be family forever. It’s just not worth standing on some principle IMO. It's not too late. I would include her.