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Caroline
Just Said Yes March 2017

Bridesmaid due date near wedding in Mexico

Caroline, on June 30, 2019 at 6:30 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 20
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I am a bridesmaid in my best friend’s wedding and want input from brides-to-be: If my pregnancy continues, I will be due two weeks after her wedding in Mexico (we live in the US).

This would be my first child and its not uncommon to go into labor a week or two early first time around. My first pregnancy ended 17 weeks and this same bestie flew in to help me and husband for a couple days following the loss. I was devastated. I got pregnant again quite quickly and am now 14 weeks. I should know in 5 weeks if I am “in-the-clear” this time though it could end any time. I know I should have gone back on birth control right away to wait a few months to make sure due date was well clear of wedding and feel terrible about this. Planning an elaborate wedding in another country has been very stressful for her and she is angry with a couple that indicated unlikely to come due to Zika fears. I know she will be very disappointed with me if I do not come. I am concerned if I do come and go into labor while in Mexico I won’t understand the nurses well and also about the waiting period for US embassy/consulate to issue papers so baby can come back to the US. My husband and I are currently in a zone of silence re pregnancy and have not told a soul so far.

20 Comments

Latest activity by Suzie, on August 15, 2019 at 8:56 PM
  • Naikesha
    Super September 2020
    Naikesha ·
    • Flag
    She is your friend and would totally understand. Please don’t stress yourself out I pray everything works out for you . And that you and baby are healthy
    • Reply
  • S
    Dedicated May 2020
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    You definitely should not be flying let alone traveling to another country when you’re 38 weeks along. She should not be upset with you, it’s not like you planned your pregnancy specifically to coincide with her wedding.
    • Reply
  • Kiki
    Super May 2019
    Kiki ·
    • Flag

    Your doctor won't let you travel that close to your due date. I think you should sit this one out I'm sure your friend will understand and forgive you it's not worth the risk for you or baby.

    • Reply
  • Cyndy
    Rockstar May 2019
    Cyndy ·
    • Flag
    The answer is no....you should not go. Most doctors won’t let you travel that close to your due date anyway but with your past history you need to be in the US near your doctors. If she’s really a true friend she will understand and in fact, encourage you to stay home. Good luck!
    • Reply
  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    Congratulations!
    You likely will not be cleared to travel at that point. Also birthing in a different country will cause a LOT of citizenship problems. I know it's really dissapointing to hear but honestly your health and safety is more important.
    And I wanted to say NO do NOT make yourself feel bad over a wanted pregnancy! You do NOT have to plan your family around someone else's wedding! If your friend is already mad at someone else over this and is upset with you she is selfish, immature, and frankly a bad friend! Do not take any abuse from her.
    You deserve your baby, and deserve to be safe and healthy for delivery. That is non negotiable.
    • Reply
  • Vicky
    Super January 2020
    Vicky ·
    • Flag

    I think that it is highly unlikely that you would be physically able to attend her wedding at 38 weeks pregnant. I'm assuming that you don't live in Mexico or within a very short drive of her wedding location, and flying in your third trimester is a no go. A long car ride is also a bad idea. On top of that, if her wedding is in a location where Zika is a concern you should also be concerned, like the other guests you mentioned - according to the CDC pregnant women should not travel to areas with a Zika outbreak. Zika can be passed from the pregnant woman to the fetus and can cause severe fetal brain defects including microcephaly (that's how they identified Zeka in the first place - women in South and Central America were giving birth to an unusual amount of babies with microcephaly). Your partner can also be infected with Zika via a mosquito bite and pass it to you through bodily fluids like saliva or semen, and if they're infected their fluids remain infectious for weeks to months (and since many people are infected without showing signs you basically have to act like one of you is infected and use condoms etc. for at least 8 weeks post-exposure just in case). It's just not worth the risk, especially given your recent loss, and that's without the issue of traveling to another country 2 weeks before your due date.

    I know you want to be there for your friend, and I'm sure she knows it too. Don't feel guilty for getting pregnant; you have to live your life on your own schedule, and with whatever choices you made/were able to make at the time given what you were going through. You'll both be sad, but you can always celebrate together in your own way; if your friend gets angry I'd try to chalk it up to misplaced sadness at the idea of you not being at her side (and a bit of bride brain). At the end of the day hopefully your friend will remember that your and your child's health and safety have to come first by necessity, and that you would absolutely be there with her if you had a choice.

    • Reply
  • MAMW
    VIP August 2013
    MAMW ·
    • Flag

    Congratulations on your rainbow baby! How very exciting for you!

    I am currently 37 weeks pregnant and there is no way that I would fly out of the country even if my doctors gave the ok (which they wouldn't). Once you hit 36 weeks the doctors prepare you to get ready to go at any time. I don't even want to drive more than an hour away from my hospital at this point because you just never know.

    You absolutely should not feel guilty about getting pregnant and being due around your friend's wedding. You have every right to plan your family for when it works best for you and your SO, not for anyone else. I'm sure your friend will be disappointed that you aren't there which is completely understandable, but she has no right to get angry with you. If she does, that's on her and not your fault. Just tell her that you're so disappointed that you're going to miss her wedding and see if there is some other way that you can celebrate before or after the wedding.

    Congratulations again!!!

    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Savvy November 2020
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    No, do not go and don’t feel bad! It’s a bummer you can’t make it but that’s life! I had an uncomplicated pregnancy and went into preterm labor at 32 weeks. Anything can happen. I wouldn’t ever travel in my third trimester.
    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    • Flag
    Oh sweetie, the health of you & your baby is more important and she should understand. If local, try to go to her shower.
    • Reply
  • Nemo
    Master August 2018
    Nemo ·
    • Flag

    You shouldn't travel to Mexico at any stage of pregnancy is there is still a Zika risk. I also don't think you can fly on a plane after 32 weeks due to liability for the airlines.

    If your friend makes you feel guilty for this baby, she is not a very good friend.

    • Reply
  • Bride2020
    Devoted May 2020
    Bride2020 ·
    • Flag

    Congrats! I don't even know that your doctor would allow you to fly at that point, she will definitely understand. There is a difference between zika fears and "I couldnt come if I wanted to, I could have a baby any day now and my doctor won't let me fly 2 weeks before labor." It is unfortunate, but it sounds like you don't have a choice between going or not, just a choice on how to tell her. Even if she usually would not be one of the first people you tell, I would make her one of them now so that you can tell her right away what you plan on doing about the wedding and she isn't hearing anything second hand. If you are crazy busy with baby things and tired from pregnancy, you can let her know you have to step down fully from being a bridesmiad, but if you feel up to the task, you could let her know if she is alright with it you would still love to help with the bridal shower and bachelorette party and support her in those ways.

    • Reply
  • Allie
    Master August 2019
    Allie ·
    • Flag

    I would go ahead and tell the bride. Let her know you won't be able to attend the wedding. She'll understand and giving her a lot of notice helps.

    • Reply
  • Yoice
    VIP March 2019
    Yoice ·
    • Flag
    You won’t be in the clear to travel so close to the wedding so even if you wanted to do it is against doctor’s recommendations and most airlines won’t let you either way because is a liability for them. I’m sure your friend would understand and be happy for you. She’ll be sad to not have you but that won’t change your relationship. I’ll of course explain this to her in person or by a phone call and make sure you’re still part of all other events so you still celebrate her. I hope you go thru your pregnancy and you have a healthy baby.
    • Reply
  • Cheryl
    Expert November 2020
    Cheryl ·
    • Flag
    First, I'm very sorry for your loss. Your friend sounds amazing for being available during your time of need. Second, congratulations on your current pregnancy! I know it's still early, but it's a blessing just the same. All babies are a blessing, even the ones we don't get to meet. Which brings me to my third point. Your friend sounds amazing and given the background I can't imagine her not being happy for you or being angry with you. It's human instinct to persist in the face of disappointment. Not the same thing, but I lost my job in April and was looking for a new job that same afternoon. We always want to "fix" it, ya know? I think you should definitely talk to your doctor and come up with a plan. I also found the quote below from The Bump. Reading this, I dunno that you'll be able to fly. But of course your doctor knows best.

    "According to the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynocologists (ACOG), it can be perfectly safe to flyduring your pregnancy, and even well into your third trimester. ... Air travel is not recommended after 36 weeks—in fact, most airlines won't let pregnantpassengers on board after the 36-week mark."


    • Reply
  • L
    Lady ·
    • Flag

    Oh my gosh, do not feel guilty at all. You have to put your health first. For someone (like your friend possibly) who is not planning to get pregnant anytime soon, Zika may not feel like a big deal. But it's one of those things that I would never ever take a chance with because the repercussions are so incredibly severe - and SO preventable.

    Also, it's unlikely that you would get clearance from your doctor to travel - even by car - more than an hour-ish away from your chosen hospital at 38 weeks pregnant.

    I think if your friend doesn't understand the reason you are declining, than she is absolutely putting her wedding vision above a friend and that is not ok.

    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Savvy November 2020
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    Honestly I doubt your doctor would even let you go. Don’t do it. It’s not worth it. I had a non complicated pregnancy and went into preterm at 32 weeks. Your friend will understand! Maybe step up to help her plan a little more so you can still be involved? Also good luck with your pregnancy, wishing you a healthy and non complicated journey!
    • Reply
  • Caroline
    Just Said Yes March 2017
    Caroline ·
    • Flag
    Thank you everyone! Fortunately my pregnancy is complication free so far (unlike my last). I decided not to go to their wedding.
    I was so afraid to tell her but my friend was very understanding and I am going to sign their ketubah during a ceremony stateside before the wedding! I’m lucky I get to be part of their union in some way though I am super bummed I will be missing out on all the Mexico fun and missing such an important day in my friend’s life. I will be so annoyed if I end up going post date lol.
    • Reply
  • C
    Just Said Yes July 2020
    Chelsea ·
    • Flag

    I think it's highly unlikely that your doctor would even let you travel that close to your due date. It sounds like this is a very close friend and she should understand your concerns / doctors orders when it comes time. I would tell her as soon as you "are in the clear". You could apologize for not being able to travel for her wedding and let her know how much you wish you could attend, but you shouldn't be sorry about not waiting to get pregnant! It is your life and future and hopefully she will just be super excited for you as you take this next step in your life. It sounds like she will be excited for you since she knows your past and was there for you during such a devastating time.

    • Reply
  • Margaret
    Dedicated June 2020
    Margaret ·
    • Flag
    First off, congratulations. Second, I would back out of the wedding and send a nice gift. You and health of your baby is most important. She will understand. Tell her discreetly and ask for her discretion.
    • Reply
  • Suzie
    Super October 2021
    Suzie ·
    • Flag

    Congrats on your pregnancy! Very sorry to hear of the previous situation. As many others have said, you likely will not be cleared to travel that far into your pregnancy. Even if you were, why would you want to risk it? Not to mention the citizenship hassle this can cause. Yikes.... Ultimately the health of you and your baby are ABSOLUTELY number one priority. If she really is your best friend, she will of course understand. Do not feel bad about the timing of things, this is a blessing! I would wait until you are in the clear, then have a sit down talk with her about it. You can still be a friend and help her plan and be involved in her shower and local events. You are not asking her to plan her life around yours, and she should not expect that from you either. This is a legit concern and she should understand and support your family’s needs.

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