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Just Said Yes February 2022

Bridesmaid drama

Cai, on April 14, 2021 at 12:09 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12
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Hi Ladies

I've never sent anything on a group discussion before but I am desperate. I have a best friend (Mia) we have been inseparable for the past 5 years. However, my fiance, mom, sister, other friends (basically everyone) doesn't like her. The reason for not liking her is she has let me down a number of times with not showing up to events etc, amongst other reasons. Anyway my fiance is having 3 groomsman (his 3 brothers) and I was originally going to have 4 bridesmaids (Mia, my sister, my sister-in -law and my fiance's cousin). Mia likes my sister but doesn't like the other 2 because my relationship with them has been complicated in the past (saying that I am really close to both of them now). So, I won a dress fitting with a designer on Instagram and asked Mia to join me but she ending up cancelling literally the day before so I took the other two (my sister lives far away). One of them then messaged Mia saying that I was really upset with her and she should apologise. So followed 4 weeks of drama and fighting amongst everyone because who is this one to tell Mia how to treat me cause she is my best friend! After all of the drama Mia turned around and said she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid and if I ask her she will say no. Side note she cancelled for lunch and another dress fitting saying it was going to upset Her to much.

So I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid (cause she lietrally told me not to) but asked the others. I still had made her a pretty box with a few gifts in so I gave it to her and said I'd still love her to be there and get dressed with me and help plan things and I want her to wear a pretty dress and we can go shopping for it together. Then she said she won't come to get ready cause she isn't a bridesmaid but that she actually does want to be a bridesmaid now and if I can make her one she will be there.

But after all this I don't know if I even want her there anymore! You can't just chop and change your mind, and she shouldn't get to just decide cause it's not about her. I really want her there on the day though. It's very confusing and I think I'm going to end up loosing my best friend!

Help!

12 Comments

Latest activity by Ka-Rina, on April 15, 2021 at 10:20 PM
  • Alyssa
    Devoted October 2023
    Alyssa ·
    • Flag
    What makes Mia your best friend? It sounds like she's only in this for herself. From what I read a lot on these forums your friends true colors will show when you start planning a wedding. My advice would be to not have and her negative attitude surround you on one of your most memorable days.
    • Reply
  • JM Sunshine
    August 2020
    JM Sunshine ·
    • Flag
    If you are so "inseparable", Mia should have kept her commitment to go to your dress fitting, unless she had a very good reason. It sounds like you value your friendship much more than she does and she seems very flaky. Your family is trying to protect you from her constant letdowns and it sounds like she is pretty selfish/self-centered. I do not think she is suited to be your bridesmaid.
    • Reply
  • C
    Just Said Yes February 2022
    Cai ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    We have been studying together for 5 years and have shared so so much and there through the best and worst parts of our lives over that time. I also live with her currently (we are in our last year of studying). We both started studying later in life than the rest of our class and so are a lot older than everyone else I think that's what made us become friends in the first place.

    • Reply
  • Alyssa
    Devoted October 2023
    Alyssa ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    100% what Sunshine said!
    My best friend literally lives in another state and would drive up here every weekend if I really needed her to. Anytime she's back home she lets me know to make plans.

    However I am the crappy friend. I never have time off or a long enough break to drive and see her. But I don't bail on her when we do have plans at least.
    • Reply
  • Meghan
    Just Said Yes July 2022
    Meghan ·
    • Flag
    Girl, you can love someone and want them there, but completely not want them within the immediate circle for your wedding.
    My best friend of 12 years was my maid of honor and early on I should have seen the signs that it was going to be nothing but drama. My final dress fitting had been planned for 2 weeks and 3 days before the final dress fitting, she informed me that she was going to go camping with my FH BIL that she was hard core crushing on q5 the time. I was so hurt that she chose a guy she could never get with (she not his type and he wasn't looking at dating since he was going through an ugly divorce) so last minute over something that I told her was super important to me. And it only got worse in over the next 2 to 3 months. We got civily married in Sept of 2020 and when I needed her help with things, all she cared about was making sure her nails looked good or partying with friend that were a half hour way from the wedding at 3 am. It was a complete disaster and she was such a b word the whole 2 months before the ceremony. We are doing a reception next year and she asked me if I was going to have a bridal party and I told her no, even though I'm going to probably have one, she just won't be in it. A lot of other things happened, but I'll just leave you with a piece of advice: CUT HER NOW IF YOU DONT WANT HER BY YOUR SIDE THE DAY OF. If you think about inviting her and having her flake, then don't. It may hurt now, but it might help you enjoy your day so much more.
    • Reply
  • MK
    Expert September 2021
    MK Online ·
    • Flag

    If I have learned anything at all from being engaged and planning a wedding, DO NOT include friends who don't make conscious and intentional efforts for you. That's with wedding planning or just life and friendships in general.

    I had a bridesmaid who was so flakey and selfish. She made every wedding, and even friendship, decision about herself. I didn't really notice it much until I started deeply planning my wedding. Sure enough, it all came to a head and I kicked her out of my wedding, which ultimately ended our friendship. Looking back, I should have seen the red flags of the friendship well before my wedding was involved and avoided the drama.

    My point is, you do not need friends OR bridesmaids who don't love the hell out of you. You don't need negativity or drama on your wedding day, or just during your wedding planning period. I say, trust your gut. If Mia was a true friend of yours, you wouldn't be questioning anything now. If it were me, I would avoid anymore drama and use the wedding party count as an excuse. "Sorry! FH and I have a small number for the wedding party now and just want our other close friends to join as guests"

    Good luck!

    • Reply
  • A
    Devoted June 2021
    Allie ·
    • Flag

    I agree with prior posters on this. The back-and-forth of "No, I would NOT be a bridesmaid, even if you wanted me to" (also, what?!?!?!?!?!? who says that?!?!?!) then "Oh yeah, I guess now I'm willing to be a bridesmaid".......it's all about her, apparently, and this friendship doesn't sound evenly balanced. I would advise you to please listen to the multiple family members around you who are suspicious of her because they have witnessed her hurting your feelings time after time. Please do not cave in....instead, I agree with MK in the post above about how to phrase it.....maybe you can get a dedicated photo with her at the wedding from the professional photographer, but that's all. Pleaseeeee do not invite this woman to be a bridesmaid AKA create more drama and stress during the getting ready, dress shopping, and other wedding-related stuff. Your wedding should be about you and your future spouse, and everyone around you *loving* and *supporting* you two!!!

    • Reply
  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
    • Flag

    I went through a similar experience with a good friend of mine. She wasn't supportive of my decisions as the Bride, and she didn't seem to get along with the other ladies in the wedding party. I tried everything to be understanding, but after months of fighting over every aspect of my wedding I finally had enough. Two weeks prior to the wedding I told her I felt like she was putting her selfish needs above my own, and I was tired of fighting for things which I wanted for my wedding. I explained to her I cared about our friendship too much but I also wanted my wedding to go as planned. I told her the best thing to do was for her to come as a guest and enjoy the wedding without the responsibilities of being part of the wedding party.

    She still came to the bridal shower, and I actually had another friend step in as the dress was already paid for and I needed at least 3 bridesmaids. Surprisingly, she was understanding and in fact told my other bridesmaids that she was going through some things in her personal life and couldn't be there like I needed her to. The wedding went perfectly, she was happy, I was happy, and we kept our friendship intact.

    If Mia is your best friend the best advice I have is to talk to her. Explain your feelings to her and let her explain hers to you. She may have something else going on in her life that's causing her to act this way. In the end, do whatever makes you and your FH happy. Don't try to please everyone else, for you may end up regretting it. Best Wishes!

    • Reply
  • Bethany
    Dedicated October 2021
    Bethany ·
    • Flag

    This reminds me of a former friend of mine. We grew up together, walking distance to each other's houses, best friends for a decade. Practically sisters. As we got older she got flaky. Started dating a guy and suddenly he was the sun she revolved around. Really long story short, after months of up and down and fights and reconciliations, I "broke up" with her. I loved her but I couldn't deal with her BS anymore. We didn't speak for a very long time then over the years things became cordial again. Happy birthday, hope you're doing well, etc. BUT. On the handful of occasions we're tried to set up lunch, she usually cancels last minute. Even if we were still close, I couldn't imagine having her as a bridesmaid.

    I think the writing is on the wall here. Sometimes friendships run their course. Maybe it's time for this friend to no longer be as big a part of your life.

    • Reply
  • S
    Devoted November 2021
    Sara ·
    • Flag

    Mia doesn't sound like a very good friend, sorry...

    • Reply
  • N
    Just Said Yes September 2021
    Natalie ·
    • Flag

    If she cancels constantly and lets you down then she does not need to be a bridesmaid. You do not need the added drama and stress when it comes to your wedding day. She will just have to get over it, and if she doesn't then that all on her.

    • Reply
  • K
    Expert September 2021
    Ka-Rina ·
    • Flag
    No. Just no.
    • Reply

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