Bridesmaid Drama

I mean, you knew she had four kids so I guess I’m confused why you didn’t consider where they’d be for the wedding. Did you just expect that her husband and kids wouldn’t attend? Did you not have a conversation about that before asking her to be a bridesmaid? I don’t see this as drama at all.

If something like her needing to bring her children with her makes you ask her not to be a bridesmaid, you probably shouldn’t have bothered asking her in the first place. Expect it to cause more drama asking her to step down though and be prepared that it could damage not only the relationship you have with her, but the relationship you have with your stepdad as well.

Why is it drama? She has kids, she will be bringing them to the wedding. Are you having a kid free wedding? If that was your intent did you let her know? Would you be able to help her find childcare in the area? Her relationship is not inherently drama and "ditching" a bridesmaid is typically a relationship killer. She is your sister so that could have pretty severe consequences.

Yes, and I do NOT regret the decision.

I believe that you need to ask her to serve in a different role that will allow her to better supervise her kids.

Remember that we are here for you.

Congratulations and 🍀‼️

I don't think that having kids is a valid reason to kick someone out of your wedding. She hasn't even mentioned that her husband might not attend or that her children may need to attend. Those are your mother's assumptions. Do you not want your nieces and/or nephews at your wedding? This all seems odd to me, but doesn't change the fact that kicking her out of your wedding, especially without a real reason, would be a relationship ending move.

Ok, I totally expected the kids to be included before I asked her. I also expected that her husband wouldn't be a deadbeat and would agree to a) pay for her dress b) watch the kids while everyone is getting ready and prepared. It's pretty much a given her husband will not attend. I didn't realize he does not get along with my mom/stepdad and is basically not involved with his kids despite living with them. My mom doesn't want to do what she always does apparently if my stepsister ends up coming to something: watching kids while my stepsister ignores them. I knew she had kids. I had no idea that their parenting is hands off when they can be.

It's sounds like you just need to have a conversation with your stepsister, I think you at least owe her that. You're basing your argument on everything but just being upfront with her and asking what the situation would be. Just talk to her about what her plan is for the kids at the wedding, whether they'll be staying home if her husband isn't attending, whether she'll need to hire someone to look after them, or if she can handle looking after them while participating in the wedding. I don't think referring to her children as "drama" and kicking her out of the wedding for it is going to do anyone any favors in terms of family relationships, just be an adult about it and talk it through with her.

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Unless the bridesmaid brings this to your attention, you should stop worrying about it. It's not your mom's place to discuss her marriage or her children. If she asks to have the children there while you're getting ready, tell her that you would prefer to have a kid free morning/afternoon and that she will have to find childcare. None of this is your problem.

I wouldn't worry yourself too much about something that hasn't happened yet. I would perhaps bring up the day with her - ask her what her plans are for her children and if she says she was going to bring them then perhaps ask her to have her husband keep them while you all get ready so you can enjoy the day together. If any of it becomes a problem from there then you can figure out your next steps. Good Luck!

View Quoted Comment Yeah...unless I’m missing something, it doesn’t sound like this girl has actually even done anything yet? And it’s all mom that’s being dramatic. So, super unfair to ditch the bridesmaid because of mom’s complaints of hypothetical problems.

At any rate, OP, it’s important to know that removing a bridesmaid from a wedding party is a thing that ruins relationships— it’s offensive and hurts feelings, hard stop. It’s one thing if it is a friend you had a falling out with and you want them out of your life forever....but with family, it only ever creates more drama. You’re shutting someone out who you will somehow need to continue to have a relationship with. Always a bad idea, in my book.

I get what you’re saying about her kids. I have a son, but I don’t bring him along if I’m in someone else’s wedding and need to get ready or for any other wedding related things. I think that’s what you’re concerned about. I think before kicking her out, let her know that while the kids are invited to the wedding (I think that’s what you said), that they cannot be there while you’re getting ready or for pictures or whatever else you have planned. Just say your mom mentioned she is having some marital problems and you wanted to make sure this wasn’t an issue. Be up front that she will either need to make her husband step up and watch his own kids or she will need to get a sitter, that your mom and other family members will be busy.

You mentioned her husband not buying her dress. While I don’t know why he would, you can let her know how much the bridesmaid dress is if you picked it out already. Or you can discuss the dress budget with her. Don’t listen to what anyone else says about her finances except for your step sister. She should be able to tell you what she can or cannot afford.

My point is, talk to her and let her know your expectations. Give her a chance to make plans so that she can participate in your wedding. If she can’t follow through then you may want to remove her from the wedding party. She may even decide on her own to step down once you tell her what you expect. I’m a little surprised you asked someone to be in your wedding that you know so little about, but that’s neither here nor there at this point. Try talking to her and getting to know her a little better. That may help you both in the long run.

I understand your point of view, Kathryn. I'd be slightly panicking after hearing all of that. It just sounds messy, and as if wedding days aren't stressful enough. I'd say have these very important conversations with her, and if this isn't the best role for her, then find something else meaningful she can do to be there for you, and support you. Being a bridesmaid is more than a lot of people think it is, and it isn't a role for everybody - there's no shame in asking someone to step down. Some people take that super offensively, but it just doesn't have to be that way. Good luck, we are always here for you.

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Well put.

Can you hire a babysitter or kid minder to keep an eye on them while you’re busy?

I don't understand why you asked her in the first place knowing so little about her?

View Quoted Comment This is great advice, but I wouldn’t mention her potential marital problems. That would make it seem like you mom is gossiping about your step sister behind her back and may cause issues in their relationship