Am hoping not to be the only one in this situation, yet I don’t wish anyone else the same! I guess I should start by saying our wedding was supposed to be 05/01 but due to covid we had to postpone and our new date is now 04/30.
Long story short I have 5 bridesmaids and my MOH.. they all know each other except for one who became my friend through work and doesn’t really hang out in the same crowd. My other 4 girls I’ve known since high school and even though we don’t see each other as much I’ve always considered them my closest friends. Lastly my sister is the 6th, she was originally my MOH but got pregnant and didn’t want to deal with all the stress and I completely understood so one of my other friends stepped in.
Ever since then I’ve barely heard from them. Only my sister and my friend from work have been constantly reaching out and helping with getting things back into place. I feel a little hurt because I’ve done the reaching out and sometimes I don’t even hear back. They never planned a shower or anything and they haven’t tried to be involved or help in any way even before. Other than my sister and friend from work. I feel it’s so unfair to have these 2 helping with everything and my MOH gets the title.. I know right now due to covid and guidelines it’s hard but I see them get together all the time and not invite me or reach out. I’m not sure if everyone goes through this or maybe it’s just me. It feels like maybe I considered them my best friends but they don’t considered me theirs. Am I crazy? Or too emotional? What or how can I handle this?
Technically that is not the role of the bridesmaid. Some bridesmaids (i.e. myself in the past) were all about throwing events and some in our party were not as much. Sometimes as brides maybe it is best to be communicated what you want. I know as brides we want all those events but some bridal parties do not think to throw those. I mean there is no way to say you want those things without sounding rude. A way around it is can you maybe plan a girls night out for dinner something covid friendly? Maybe even discuss with made of honor just something casual? Maybe then she will think to plan something with the other ladies.
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Thank you, I understand in no way it’s their job to do anything like this. But I think it was brought up once and then after some drama related to one of them they kinda shut down. I don’t want to be rude but I do feel a little left out or no important...
Oh I get it. If it makes you feel better I did mention to my maid of honor how I want a bridal shower or a brunch where I just celebrate and no gifts needed since I am having a minimony but I know I should not host my own and she offered to help. Of course as brides we want those events and there is nothing wrong with that and I can totally understand how you feel not having anything. I personally, everyone is different, maybe in the group chat just throwing out there you would love to celebrate your day so would the ladies be able to meet up for dinner our somewhere or maybe a wine night at your place? Not sure if they will think that they can work together to make it special and if not then just you spending time with them could be fun. What do you think?
The role of the bridesmaid is to buy the dress (having been first privately consulted about her budget), show up at the wedding in the dress, and smile for the pictures. Everything else is entirely optional. The "maid" in "bridesmaid" refers to assumed virginity, not to being the bride's servant.
While I had the same expectations that you did, I have since learned that the only real role of the bridesmaids is to show up the day of in a dress. I chose my bridesmaids because they are the people who are always there for me, not because they are good planners, and lo-and-behold, my mother and FMIL are the ones planning the shower, not my bridesmaids. My bridesmaids are scattered across the country, some are unemployed, some are in school. We are pretty young, and planning and funding a shower just isn't something they are up for right now. It's also their first times being in a wedding, and I'm not sure if they really know how to plan or host a shower. But if I have a bad day and need a good cry? They are the first people I call.
Another friend of mine who isn't in the BP is actually planning my bachelorette party with my MOH because she loves planning and is a great friend. I don't feel weird about this at all because it's something she loves to do and my other bridesmaids are more comfortable just attending.
Of course, I would be hurt if my bridesmaids weren't good friends to me in areas unrelated to the wedding. That is really hard. I've dealt with that too with one bridesmaid in particular. At the end of the day, I remember why I chose them and do my best to keep our friendship the way it was before the wedding.
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Hi, in no way I intent to have them be my servants.. I gave them a color and they each picked their own dress. They are choosing if they want to do their hair and make up themselves or get it done, they are choosing their shoes and accessories and everything. I’m not making them be my slaves and do everything for me nor I expect that. I guess that because if it were me I’d want to make sure I could help in any way or relieve some stress by offering to do stuff I was expecting the same of them.
I think this right here is the root of the problem. You're projecting expectations onto them based on what you would do in that situation. There's absolutely nothing wrong with a bridesmaid who jumps in and says "hey what can I do to help you?!" But there's also nothing wrong with a bridesmaid who doesn't. I've been a bridesmaid in 3 weddings and I never helped with any of the actual wedding planning. The MOH was the ringleader for planning for shower and bachelorette and the rest of us helped as much as she asked us to. In some cases that was just sending her money and helping with set up/ clean up. If there are specific things you want them to be doing, you need to reach out to them. If you're feeling hurt that they don't always respond to group texts, ask yourself if the texts really warrant a response (I rarely if ever respond to group texts not because I'm a bad BM, but because I don't always need to). If you really need to talk to someone, do it one on one. Maybe reach out to your MOH to let her know you're feeling stressed then plan a zoom happy hour with them all to catch up and try to get things back on track.
I think your feelings are spot on! If they are not helping or responding to you it HURTS! I know my MOH/BF just had a huge blow out but we are right back on track. I have had to ask the entire group a few times for answers to questions or thoughts on things but I usually just have to chase one of my 4 down for a response.
Being the bride to be sucks at times like this because we want to be nice but it truly seems like they don't understand the stress we are under in doing a vast majority of the wedding planning by ourselves. I would say just reach out and see what they say. Better to be short 2 than put in all the effort to be feeling like you do right now. Honest, open friendships are rare but they are the best thing you can ever do for yourself!
Even if the only legit job your bridesmaids have is buying the attire, and just showing up, I can understand why you'd be upset. Most of my bridesmaids are the same way, and only a few of them actually bother to reach out to help with wedding planning things, and the like. Truth be told, don't expect your bridesmaids to plan your shower, but if there are things that you need done before the wedding, such as grabbing some make-up remover from Target, or the like, it doesn't hurt to ask them.