Bridesmaid Drama

First, why is your sister messaging anyone about the dress? You should have done that after you found out how much everyone could afford for a dress. Second, if she doesn’t drink, maybe she feels really uncomfortable around alcohol. It took my few sober friends a long time before they were comfortable in a small setting where everyone else was drinking. Larger events and restaurants they were ok in but being at someone’s home with a handful of people all drinking just wasn’t something they could do. Also, you never know why someone is uncomfortable about drinking. If you kick her out of the wedding, be prepared to lose that friendship and for her SO to also drop out of the wedding/end the friendship.

Yeah that's tough but you did the right thing. Offer to pay some of the dress like you said and invite her to the bachelorette and if she doesn't want to come that's on her. Otherwise I would keep her in your bridal party

I would say she does not have to be a part of the events if she is going to be very nit picky about things unless she plans it but if she has her dress at this point just ensure she is there the day of and looks nice to stand by your side. If she continues to be difficult maybe speak to her and ask what is going on. She does not need to participate in the other events but if she wants things to be a certain way then she needs to plan and pay for it in my opinion.

View Quoted Comment I did clarify everything about the dress with my bridesmaids before it was decided. They chose the dress, not myself. My sister was just making sure that they had the link and correct color (which is what I understand a MOHs role.)
And as to the drinking, I understand being uncomfortable but that’s an issue she should bring up with me instead of refusing play out. The wedding is also going to have alcohol so is she just not going to go to that to?

View Quoted Comment Like I said, for some people there’s a big difference between being at a large event- where no one will notice whether she’s drinking or not- and a small party at someone’s house where everyone is drinking except her. I’ve never heard of the MOH handling anything in regards to the dress and that’s never been my experience as a BM/MOH or bride but as long as all the girls agreed to the dress, I’d just remind her she agreed to the dress when it was chosen.

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I see this perspective but my friend's husband is a recovering alcoholic who is sober and regardless of the size of the event he does not drink. Even at a friend's wedding which was not that big he stood off to the side during cocktail hour. No one judged him and I do not think he cared and she shouldn't. I do agree that if the concern is a sobriety issue and she does not want to fall into temptation then I understand but what if there is alcohol at the wedding. If there is alcohol she simply does not have to drink and I doubt anyone will care. I still feel like she should be there and support unless it is the reason just stated.

View Quoted Comment Just because your friend’s husband didn’t experience judgment doesn’t mean it’s never happened to other people. I have several friends who don’t drink- some who just never did/still don’t now and some who are recovering alcoholics. At smaller get together in our 20s I’ve definitely seen people make comments/jokes about those people not drinking. I’ve never seen anyone notice it at a wedding though.

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Valid point. I just go back to then what will do if there is alcohol at the wedding? I would maybe ask why she will not come and if she has a fear because of a bad past experience ok but then I feel like you said take the bride a side and say that because that just sounds like she is being difficult and demanding. Maybe there is more to the story. I will say that if that is a problem in regards to the reception she should let the bride know too. I agree that at a wedding the focus will most likely be on the bride and groom. My honest opinion is regardless of the reason her manner of handling it is immature. She is a grown woman and if she has an issue with alcohol or the dress then speak with the bride or MOH about. It sounds like she is being difficult but maybe as the bride you can one on one just say that you have noticed this reaction to things and want to ask if everything is ok. If she is just being demanding for no right reason then to keep peace she just needs to show up in the dress and stand by your side and she can forego the other events.

View Quoted Comment I definitely understand this point of view and I appreciate you bringing it to my attention!
With all the stress of planning and trying to coordinate the wedding it’s easy to forget other people’s thoughts and feelings.
As for the situation, I would love for her to be there, that’s why I asked her to be a bridesmaid. I just wish she would communicate to me so I can make sure she feels welcome and can participate in the activities of the wedding whether she’s drinking or not. One of my bridesmaids just found out she’s pregnant and will be breastfeeding and another just doesn’t drink so it’s not a factor of her being “excluded” or “made fun of” and it’s also not her being a recovering addict. That’s why I’m looking for clarification and to vent

To me, its a bit of an overreaction to go right to kicking her out of your bridal party.. If you already talked about covering the dress you should still do that. It is odd that she needed to text the group about it but whatever. I can see why you would be annoyed about her bachelorette party comment. She just gave an ultimatum basically, when she could have come just to dinner and any other pre booze events, and then excuse herself if she's uncomfortable.

Still, neither of those events are bad enough to completely cut her from your party. If anything, cut her from being in charge of the bachelorette party since what she wants doesn't match what you want. Glad you could vent, I hope you and her can move on from these bumps, and that the rest of your wedding planning is relatively bump free!!

I don't think she needs to be part of any events to be a part of the wedding. I would however be a bit worried if she will need hair, make up, nails, shoes, jewelry etc for the day of. If she can't afford or doesn't want to pay $100 for the dress, I wouldn't want to have to pay for everything for her to be in the wedding when she can come as a guest and it not cost anyone anything.

This is your wedding and your sister is trying hard to make it all about her. Tell her how her behavior is making you feel and make it clear to her that if she doesn’t want to be involved then she doesn’t have to be.

I would ask her what she will do about the alcohol at the wedding then determine from that answer if she should be in the wedding at all. If she'll be okay there with it, dont fret over her not coming to bachelorette or anything else. it is awesome that your sister is helping you. Dont let this other friend/bridesmaid ruin your experience. If she needs to just fill a spot, that is okay. Just make sure any future expectations are clearly explained and agreed to.

Like a lot of the similar discussions on here, this sounds like the perfect *let's sit down and have a (potentially uncomfortable) conversation about this*

It sounds like there may be some underlying issues or stressors that your sister is dealing with that are coming out with the wedding planning. Think about things that are major in her life right now and you can start the conversation as simply as "hey how are you/work/school/boyfriend/etc?" Maybe that'll be enough to start the conversation about what is causing the underlying stress (lost a job and money is tight? relationship issues?) Or being more direct, consider her previous alcohol consumption - has she always been no-alcohol, or is this something new? Ask her about it in a non judgemental way, and see how she responds. Remind her that this isn't some bad reality TV show where everyone at the bachelorette is throwing up in an alley behind the strip club (unless you're into that kindof thing, in which case, you go girl!) and that the bachelorette is about celebrating with your best girl friends and you couldn't imagine all of these experiences without your sister. Giving her a little nudge of confidence may be just what she needs to really be there for you - not just financially as a party planner, MOH, decorator, etc. but also as an emotional support and friend! She'll come around

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I agree with this. Nobody technically HAS to be in attendance of the bachelorette party. Hopefully she'll want to help out some for the bridal shower instead. It's nice you can afford to and offered to help pay for the dress! I don't think there's anything else to do in this scenario.

Would you like to keep her as a friend?
Because if so, the thing to do is tell her she is invited but you understand if she can't come.

If you'd picked out a reasonably priced dress and offered to pay for it, then I think you are being an amazing bride. If you don't mind that she doesn't participate in the bachelorette but still want her to be in your wedding, then that's fine.

If there are other expectations you have of your bridal party (participating in and paying for a shower, other parties, other things they need to buy) you should definitely be clear about them now and figure out whether or not this friend is on board. If your friend just kind of wants to show up for the day but not pay for anything and not participate in anything else, then you need to decide if you are fine with that or not.

It's totally okay to have expectations of those in your wedding party and to choose not to include people who don't want to meet those expectations, but I think its only fair that you are clear and forthcoming about that from the beginning. People should know what they are committing to before they agree to be a part of your wedding.