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Just Said Yes November 2023

Bridesmaid drama - ugh!!! Please help!

Lindsay, on October 3, 2023 at 2:30 PM Posted in Planning 0 8


I am getting married on Nov 17. I had asked four of my girlfriends and my fiance's two sisters to be bridesmaids.

Long story short, there's drama with the four girlfriends that I asked. One of the girls (we'll call her Ashley) was dating a guy for 5+ years and they broke up last year (I should mention that they broke up because she was cheating on him).. Now, one of the other bridesmaids (Carol) is dating Ashley's ex-boyfriend.

Ashley found out on social media and now is mad at me, and all of the other girls for not telling her that they were dating. She basically ended a life-long friendship with one of the other girls because she felt so betrayed that no one told her they were dating.

I know, sounds like a soap opera. I am a very drama free person and hate confrontation so this is very unsettling to me.

Now, Ashley has stepped down from being a bridesmaid as she will be uncomfortable being in Carol's presence.

This really hurt my feelings and makes me sad that Ashley couldn't put what was happening with her and Carol aside to be there for me on the biggest day of my life.

Ashley also told me that she prefers to be a wedding guest and not a bridesmaid so that if she's feeling uncomfortable, she can leave early. As a bride, it hurts to hear that.

I put so so much effort into who to ask, how to ask, dresses, gifts, etc, that how I feel like, why did I bother?

I am considering asking Ashley to just not come. Is that petty/mean of me? I am working so hard to make this day perfect for my fiance and I. I just think that seeing her there as a guest will make me sad and I don't want anything to bring me down on our day.

Please let me know your input! Thank you so much in advance for your help!!!


Latest activity by Nicole, on October 12, 2023 at 4:57 PM
  • C
    CM ·
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    I'd be pretty hurt too if my so called close friends didn't tell me something like that. She may have cheated on her ex, but that's between them and a subject for another day. Meanwhile, this revelation just happened and she's only human. I do think it's petty to ask her not to come at all. I'd only ask her to let you know ahead of time if she doesn't plan to stay for the meal. That would be equal to a no show from the caterer's perspective and is unfair to you.

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  • Andrea
    Rockstar January 2024
    Andrea ·
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    If Ashley is a close enough friend that you wanted her as a bridesmaid, I wouldn’t uninvite her. If she can’t put the emotions aside — and not everyone can — then she did the right thing by stepping down so she won’t be causing drama and making things uncomfortable for you. It sounds like she’s trying to control herself and have an exit plan if things get too difficult.
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    I think emotions are running too high across the board. I understand that you feel hurt your friend stepped down as a bridesmaid, but I think if she is worried that she will be so triggered that she may need to leave, then she actually did the responsible thing by removing herself from a potentially very upsetting situation for you on your wedding day. This is obviously one of your closest friends, and whether she stands at an alter in a certain color dress shouldn't determine her importance in your life. She is showing that she still cares about you by still wanting to attend your wedding and witness you getting married. I definitely think it would be petty to disinvite her; and even more, I think you would regret it.

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  • Janet
    Expert October 2018
    Janet ·
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    There's a lot of this hurts my feelings, why can't she put her feelings aside for me, this is my big day, she will make me sad with her presence.

    She is trying to be there for you, the best way she can, yet you don't mention anything about trying to understand her or her feelings just how her being hurt is affecting your wedding. You talk about her throwing away a friendship when you will do the same by disinviting her. She is trying to remove herself from an uncomfortable situation as best she can while still trying to support your marriage. Try to reciprocate by being there for her too. She's not asking you to drop your friends, but she is asking you to be understanding of her situation.

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    It sounds like Ashley has every reason to feel the way she feels, and she's doing the adult thing by removing herself from a potentially painful situation. Ending the friendship because of that, in my opinion, would be the wrong thing to do.

    As a true friend, I would support Ashley in her feelings and do whatever I can to make her comfortable. Maybe send her bouquet to her privately for her to enjoy the flowers. Think about this as a friend situation vs being about you and your wedding. She was important enough for you to have her in the wedding party, why is she less of a friend now?

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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Whatever happened between them is no one else’s business at the end of the day. Usually the bride chooses her absolute closest supportive inner circle, not people who are on the rocks friendship-wise or whom there is no relationship with, as is common for future in laws. If this person is truly your best friend, being empathetic to what she is going through should trump whatever personal feelings you have. While it is valid for you to be hurt, being petty is not the answer. If you are unwilling to accept her stepping down from the position without additional anger, then it sounds like this friendship is over, at least on your side. It’s concerning that you are actually saying “why bother?” when she wants to be a guest. Not everyone is comfortable with being a bridesmaid for a myriad of reasons and that is never grounds to end a friendship. Being a guest instead of an on display role is not unsupportive in any way , though much of the internet thinks it is disrespectful. Before you make any decisions that you regret later, speak with a therapist to navigate the situation in a healthy manner. Put wedding planning on hold until you get it figured out.
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  • R
    Dedicated June 2018
    Rae ·
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    I agree with others that Ashley did the right thing by stepping down. It was wrong for no one to tell her that her ex and her friend/close acquaintance starting dating. That really sucks for her, no matter how the relationship ended. You were never asked to buy them gifts of "bridemaid proposal boxes", it's unfortunate that you're considering uninviting her for being honest with you about her feelings of discomfort surrounding the situation. I would assume you'd be much more hurt if she left early without saying anything rather than being transparent up front.

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  • Nicole
    Savvy July 2027
    Nicole ·
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    I have mixed feelings. She was the one who cheated, but someone should have told her that a close person to her was dating her ex. If she wants to step down, just let her. Think of how you would feel if you had to be in a bridal party, trying to support a bride with another Brides maid banging your ex mans. (who she probably still has feelings for)

    I know your upset, but i would still let her come. if you uninvite her it could make her feel more excluded!

    Flipside -

    If you think she will start drama, fights, etc at your day... i could see why uninviting her. i dont know her or her past behavior but you do! maybe talk to her heart to heart?

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