Bridesmaid doesn't want to wear dress

Because I was planning for everyone to take pictures after the wedding and then have the wedding party have a special entrance into the reception. It would be awkward if she was wearing something totally different. Not to mention, she says her dress is way too long yet won't get alterations. I'm concerned she will trip or look like she's swimming in her dress.

I'm going to ignore the first few sentences of your post that indicate that you were so excited that someone wanted to be an honor attendant at your wedding. Why you were so excited by this prospect, especially since the two of you are no longer close, can only be summed up to a case of wedding brain. Hell, it happens, and not many of us are immune. Anyway....

Okay, put on your tinfoil hat and take a trip with me. It's 1978...San Diego, California. We traveled from NYC to attend my cousin's wedding. Wow...my sister and I were invited to to be mint green bridesmaids. My cousin's best friend, Sabrina, was going to be her MOH.

My sister and I loved wearing our gowns, because, you know, when you're 15 and 17, everything looks perfect (I was the 17 year old, and I f'ing love those photos, lol). However, Sabrina was a non-conformist. She hated wearing that gown, and her preference was to strip out of it, minutes after the ceremony, so she could drink a few beers and smoke a few blunts. My aunt and my cousin were furious. It took a little convincing, but once a few people surrounded Sabrina and told her to keep her damn gown on so that my cousin, her best friend, could get a few wedding photos of her bridal party, Sabrina agreed.

Let the lady know what you want. She should wear the gown, from ceremony to the close of the reception, but if she's a PIA, like Sabrina, at least give her the option of getting out of it -- after the pro pics are taken.

If she won't agree to that, then she's broken the cardinal rule of honor attendants -- which is, to show up in the dress, sober, and wear it. If she can't do that, then let her know you've asked too much of her and give her an escort card with a guest table number.

Maybe she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid and has had the same realization as you, that you two are not as close as you used to be. Maybe she is intentionally trying to piss you off so you kick her out? Just let her know that it would mean a lot if she would just stay in the dress for photos and the entrance and that after that is all said and done she can change into whatever her heart desires. If she falls or trips over her dress....that is on her, she is the only one who will be embarrassed. :-D

@ Rachel D.

I love every comment you make. You are not only hilarious but give damn good advice. I am a bride planning my wedding and love this forum and veteran posters like you. Thank you for being here and guiding brides like me.

However, since I am a longtime lurker more than a poster I have seen that you have posted more than once that your sister has cancer and have noticed that you bring her up almost always now. I don't really have a comment to the OP other than bridesmaids just have to show up in the dress you tell them to wear, but to you I wanted to say that I am glad you are telling us stories about your sister and remembering her personal stories. It is wonderful that this forum exists as a supportive space for you to do so and you should continue to. My mother passed away last March from cancer when I was 27. It is a cruel and completely unfair disease. I also bring her up more now than I would before because I believe that our loved ones should be remembered.

Anyway, I wanted you to know that although we are internet people divided across space that personal thoughts make their mark. Because of you posting about your sister, you and she are in my thoughts and prayers. Sorry for getting so maudlin.

Kirackle -- Sweetheart, I'm so sorry about your mother's passing. I really mean that.

I had no idea I mentioned her enough so that she would be noticed (but, the truth is, she's on my mind all of the time). She and I have had a rough go of it during the past few years (all the crap that healthy people feel entitled to wage war over), and if I sound caustic at times, it's only because I now realize that life does end and I'm desperately trying to convince people of that cruel truth. Estrangements are a luxury for the healthy...that's what I've decided.

You've inspired me to take steps I've been hesitant to take. I'll never meet you -- face to face -- but I want to thank you for the random gift you just gave me.

@Rachel D and @kirackle, at the risk of a post hijack, I still want to say that I am so sorry for both of you. Cancer is cruel and seems like no one is left unscathed. My ex husband (dad to my 13yo) passed away from pancreatic cancer in November. It's not an easy time to wade through emotions and cope with death, there is never an easy time... but isn't interesting how forums such as this can take a life of their own, how you can connect with people you never would have expected to connect with... I've participated in online forums since around 2000... they were way different back then, but nevertheless, you find people and connect... and isn't that what life is about? making those connections? (Ok, so I just rambled here, but just felt moved to chime in...

To OP... I think giving her a little leeway to wear the dress for photos and entrance is a good idea... if she's still trying to sabotage things, then maybe cut her, sounds like she wants to be cut?

Can we see a pic of the BM dress?

Why doesn't she like it?

I say let her change after the entrance

Fire her.

Honestly I think as long as she wears it for the ceremony, pictures, and entrance I'd let her change out of it when it's done. No one cares that much about the bridal party and probably won't even notice that she got changed. BUT I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask her to have the dress on for those 3 things.

@Nancy... I think you hit the "submit" button before your post was completed.

I believe you meant to say:

"Fire her.

/sarcasm"

Why would you let someone who doesn't believe in marriage stand up next to you at your wedding? That makes ZERO sense to me.

If she doesn't want to wear the dress other than the ceremony and photos, she doesn't have to. She would have fulfilled her one and only duty at that point, so who cares?

If she is "swimming in her dress", that makes her look bad, not you. Unless your only concern is how your pictures will turn out, which would lead me to believe you may be one of *those* brides that uses people as props, which is despicable IMO. People are not props. They are supposed to be your friends and family.

Let her change after the entrance. If she wants to suck out briefly during dinner, nobody will notice.

Yes, "Fire" her.

You don't have to be the "cool bride". Tell her that you expected all the BMs to wear the dress at the reception as well as the ceremony. Last time I checked, the reception is part of the wedding and there will probably some pictures of your BMs throughout the night.

I do not understand these comments about letting her change after the entrance. WTF? So she's going to be announced into the reception and then leave and change into something else before / during dinner while all of the other BMs are still wearing their dresses? No. The wedding does not end after the entrance. Photos are taken all night. You have one job as a BM - wear the dress. That includes the reception.

If anything, I could see changing during dancing once all of the formalities are finished but not before that.

My cousin and I were bridesmaids for my other cousin's wedding. She changed after the reception entrance. I don't recall anybody being upset about it. And I would've heard any juicy gossip since it wasn't my wedding. I'd tell her to please wear the dress for the entrance, but afterwards just let it go. It'll be dark, people will be enjoying food, drinks, and dance. It's not a huge deal.

Yeah I agree with Emily. I think you should try to communicate with her and find out why she doesn't want to wear it.Ask her to go out to coffee/lunch and ask about her life and see if shes going through anything right now that could be stressing her out.

Yikes Kate! She must've been desperate.

That's the first thing that popped in my mind, was there no rehearsal dinner dress.

Tell her upfront. like hey you are BM we are having a special entrance and you need to stay in the dress for that (and dinner if you are having a head table). then after that let her do what she wants and act a fool, only thing she will be missing is the food, cake, and dancing. lol