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Just Said Yes September 2023

Bridesmaid Dilemma!

Jennifer, on May 27, 2019 at 2:13 AM Posted in Planning 0 8

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I have been engaged for just under a year and we are coming up to the point of signing contracts for dates/venues and all of that good stuff. Our wedding isn't to 2021 either as we currently live in Australia but will be getting married in Minnesota. I've had my three best friends since primary school and it's always been a given that they would be bridesmaids ( when I got engaged they all asked what colors they would be wearing haha). My problem is that one of the girls has a huge fear of flying ( had booked a trip to Amsterdam and got on the plane and had to get off and forego the trip) now I do really want to ask her to be a part of my day but I just have a feeling that she won't be able to get on the plane and I don't want to put that extra pressure on her already. I have had a genuine discussion with her and she says she will definitely be there and wouldn't miss it for the world. I just know deep down she won't be able to get on that plane. My dilemma is that I don't want to go spend all the money (dress, accessories, hair, and makeup, etc which may get quite costly) for her to back out two weeks before as she was unable to get on the plane but I also don't want to hurt her feelings but just asking her to be a guest and not a bridesmaid. Just looking for everyone's thoughts and what you would do!?

P.S - To get there will be several plane rides and approximately 36 hours in the air so it isn't just one quick plane ride either.

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8 Comments

Latest activity by Jennifer, on May 27, 2019 at 8:44 PM

Devoted May 2022
Madison · on May 27, 2019 at 2:21 AM
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I would tell her how you feel! If you know that she can’t do it and explain to her everything you just said I don’t think she will be offended especially if she has made it aware that she has a fear of flying. It kind be kinda awkward telling someone to not do something when it’s really because you want them to be comfortable! My best friend won’t fly either and I invited her to my last birthday which was in Cabo so a short plane ride away and I told her straight up and honestly that of course I wanted her there but I also don’t want her to ever feel uncomfortable or scared to tell me no and that I understand how she feels and I want her to be comfortable and to only go if she’s 100 perfect. It worked out fine and she was honest and said as much as she wanted to she couldn’t do it. No hard feeling and everything was good. I can’t imagine why anything would go wrong. My only question for you is are you asking her to be a guest instead of a bridesmaid because it would be easier for her to say no or what is that about? I think I got a little confused with that part.
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Just Said Yes September 2023
Jennifer · on May 27, 2019 at 2:26 AM
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Thanks Madison. I think the problem is that she keeps saying she will definitely be there without a doubt and she will get on that plane, but unfortunately I just don't think she will be able to do it especially with her past experiences. I was more thinking if I just have her as a guest she doesn't have the extra 'pressure' of having to come if she doesn't feel like she can make it and if she does decide to back out at the last minute it will just be the cost for her to be there instead of the extra expenses that come with a bridesmaid.
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Devoted May 2022
Madison · on May 27, 2019 at 2:34 AM
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Yes gotcha! That’s what I was assuming you meant. I think you would be okay explaining that to her and just tell her with all honesty that you don’t want her to feel pressure and that you don’t want her to spend a bunch of money and not be able to make it. I think if you just have an open and honest conversation with her she will maybe be a little more honest with you and herself. If I were you I would just go about it in a very understanding way and let her say whatever she needs to say and then just explain what you said “I would love to have you there and I really want you there but that being said I know that flying is really though for you and I would hate to put you in a position where you feel pressured to fly if you are able to.” Along with this I would tell her that you want her to take time to think about it and let her know your fears about how you feel and the money that way you are both aware of each others feeling and tell her you need to know by a certain date. This way hopefully she can make a decision and follow through. That way you (again hopefully 😅) aren’t last minute hearing that she can’t do it.
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Devoted August 2020
Monique · on May 27, 2019 at 4:31 AM
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I have a huge fear of flying as well so I just wanted to give some insight from this perspective: yes, she's probably terrified and yes she has avoided going on a flight before, due to her fears, but I think you should encourage her and trust her to be there. Life is scary but what's even scarier is realizing that your fears are holding you back. Since you guys are so close and it's your wedding, I'm sure she's thinking about it in a way of the pros of being with you on your special day outweigh the cons of her flying. Just try to be encouraging and not bring up her previous time of getting off a plane because I'm sure she feels embarrassed about that
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Super July 2020
D · on May 27, 2019 at 4:31 AM
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Can she do a practice flight? Like a one way 45 minute flight somewhere and take a train or bus back? I suggest she take a low dose of an anti-anxiety medicine(through a doctor of course) and Dramamine a half hour before. She how it goes.
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Dedicated May 2019
Mrsblair · on May 27, 2019 at 8:39 AM
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A doctor can give her some anxiety meds for her to use just for the plane ride that could help.

If you tell her you don’t trust her to come and therefore won’t pay for her stuff, that friendship will basically be over. Not saying you’ll do that though. I would try and give her the benefit of the doubt for now. Is there someone who can support her while she travels or see her off at the gate?
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Dedicated June 2022
beee · on May 27, 2019 at 10:28 AM
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Sounds like she needs some Valium.
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Just Said Yes September 2023
Jennifer · on May 27, 2019 at 8:44 PM
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Thanks, ladies. I definitely just want to make her feel more comfortable and less pressured to come if she deep down knows she can't but she doesn't want to disappoint me (which she never would). As there are multiple long flights at once to get there I'm unsure if she can take medication the whole way but it will be something to consider.
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