Bridesmaid but not invited to bachelorette party and considering backing out of the wedding

I really hope you are not serious. My guess is she is expecting a stereotypical raunchy or drunken time and is uncomfortable with her FI’s sister being part of it. While I’m no fan of these, I can easily understand why she would this way. Not so long ago it was unusual that future in laws would ever be part of a bachelorette.


The BM role is totally separate from this, an honor future SIL has given you to recognize your relationship current and future. It has nothing whatsoever to do with your brother, or what he’s done in the past.
If you care at all about your relationship I’d reconsider.

This woman is going to be a member of your family. Forever. Personally this is not the issue I would choose to have a fight about. I'm thinking she wanted an event with her friends, and didn't think to invite you as well.

Your brother's previous behaviour is not relevant, unless skipping the wedding is to punish him for that. If that's the intention it would seem pretty passive-aggressive. If it's a habit for him to do that, then it's up to you to put your boundaries in place and maybe stop planning things with him.

Have you asked her why you weren't invited? I think I'd start there rather than just dropping out of the wedding altogether. That should be the very last resort.

The brother situation doesn't necessarily matter, however I am going to take a different approach to not being invited to the bachelorette party.

If you are a bridesmaid, you were asked and accepted the role. You should have been invited to the bachelorette. Point blank. Bare minimum she needed to be an adult and talk to you about it. This is the pre-wedding event the bridal party (which you are apart of) plans and hosts for the bride. If she didn't want you involved she shouldn't have asked you to be a bridesmaid. If I found out my future SIL did that, I would confront her and heavily think about stepping down. This clearly shows you are a bridesmaid out of obligation and have been purposely excluded by the group, and it's something you will remember before and during the wedding standing up with the group who excluded you.

I agree with Jacks. Be the bigger person here, she's going to be in your life forever.

Your brother's behavior is irrelevant, not attending the wedding would be a relationship ending move.

A bachelorette is not exclusively about the bridal party. There are plenty of times other friends are invited or when the groom’s family members are not, wedding party or no. OP should assume there is likely good reason that she wasn’t included, not take it personally, and most likely should be thankful for that. Not everyone wants a FSIL there for what I would think are obvious reasons.

If you're this upset about not being included, I would definitely have a conversation with your future SIL. Whatever reason she had for not inviting you is her choice, but I would want to know and clarify that it was just for the reasons some people have stated above. I've been in a lot of weddings where future in-laws who were in the bridal party weren't included in the bachelorette festivities, but I've also been to more where it's been the opposite. I can understand taking it personally, but maybe getting clarification from her will help alleviate how you're feeling.

I agree that backing out of the wedding would be an extreme last resort, but harboring poor feelings and not saying anything will also bubble up eventually too.

I would not ask her to justify or explain the decision which is at this point a done deal. That will only put FSIL in an awkward position at best and at worst come across as bitter. If you have a good relationship with her then you can safely assume she wanted to feel free to let loose and felt uncomfortable with the idea of you being there. There's really not much mystery to this and you are not entitled to an explanation. What's she going to say that wouldn't be even more awkward and uncomfortable for both of you? Please don't risk your relationship over this.

Many in laws (and childhood friends, etc) are asked to be bridesmaids and groomsmen out of obligation to please parents etc and not because there is a legitimate friendship between them and the couple. Traditionally, the bridesmaids, who are the bride’s closest friends only, are responsible for hosting the bachelorette party so they need to be invited to participate as hosts. It’s not always up to the bride to decide who attends but it’s very common for in laws to not be invited because they are asked to be a bridesmaid out of obligation and the bride is not close enough to want to share that party with them. Just like it’s rare for moms and mothers in law to attend the bachelorette party, even when it’s a local dinner or sleepover the night before the wedding. Some social circles and families don’t have any bachelorette festivities and that is equally valid.


A lot of people don’t realize that it’s acceptable and normal to decline the bridesmaid position from the beginning without giving any explanation. The current Instagram trend of the proposal boxes backfires by pressuring women so they feel they can’t say no at all. A number of past posts here via the search feature have mentioned that not everyone enjoys the role or finds it to be an honor and would prefer to be a regular guest. If you feel that uncomfortable, don’t let anyone here pressure you into staying in the role, but definitely sit down with the bride and let her know what is going on. If you are close enough to be asked to be a bridesmaid, you should be close enough to speak openly to the bride without her judging you. Hopefully your situation is a lesson for others to avoid this type of predicament. None of this is your fault and If the sister in law feels like this is a relationship ending move, then that is something she needs to work out on her own.

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It's not true that all bridesmaids need to be invited to participate as hosts. Likewise, the reason not all in laws are invited to attend is not necessarily because they were invited out of obligation. One can feel close to a future sister in law and at the same time feel uncomfortable having her at stereotypical bachelorette activities. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I don't see how this situation is a lesson for anyone or what kind of "predicament" the OP is in.

It sounds like you're very hurt by this to consider not participating at all. Instead of leaving everything to ambiguity or resentment, clear the air. I'd call your FSIL and mention (in a non-confrontational way) you heard about her fun bachelorette trip and "was disappointed to not be asked". This will give her an opportunity to clear the air and/or apologize for the oversight. Often these optional events are hosted by others and not the Bride herself.

I'm not one for obligatory invites or wedding parties, but if you do want a better relationship with her and your Brother, it starts with communication and a little bit of vulnerability. Maybe your good manners will rub off on them. Good luck.

I do want to mention, that in some cultures, some guests such as family members who are more likely to decline are not asked to certain functions at all. It is the responsibility of the host to not put guests in a position of making them feel bad or admit they cannot come, essentially losing face. In these cultures, invitations are more socially- weighted and if one does not attend (barring physical injury), it would be seen as a personal insult.