L
Just Said Yes January 2021

Bride won’t tell me wedding date?

Lily, on November 13, 2019 at 3:12 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 17
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My best friend since Kindergarten is getting married some time next year. Love her to death but she is very stubborn and likes to be in control. With that being said, it is her wedding so I 100% get that. My issue is that although she has her date and venue chosen she totally refuses to tell me the date. Her reason is simply that she’s sick of people asking her and that it’s her day and she will tell people whenever she sees fit. Again, I get it to some degree but I’m her best friend and bridesmaid. The reason I’ve been asking and am frustrated that she won’t just tell me is because, without getting into too much detail, I have a medical obligation that I must choose multiple dates for now. I’ve explained it all to her but she still refuses and is calling me a name for not just letting her enjoy planning. I’m honestly not trying to hurt or bother her process, I simply want to make sure I can be there! I’m so confused. It seems like such a simple request to give me a heads up on her wedding date. She was my bridesmaid and I always kept her in the loop.

17 Comments

  • B
    Super July 2018
    Brittany ·
    • Flag

    That's VERY strange. How does she expect people to plan to come if she won't tell anyone the date? Did she actually ask you to be a bridesmaid? Personally I was skeptical of telling anyone my date if I didn't plan to invite them. I was polite but vague. Could she be thinking about canceling and just eloping? Other than that I honestly can't understand why she wouldn't tell you the date...

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  • Lauren
    Super September 2019
    Lauren ·
    • Flag

    She seems unreasonable. I would tell her you may have to back out of being a bridesmaid since you can't commit to being there if she won't tell you a date. Your health comes before her wedding anyway.

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  • L
    Just Said Yes January 2021
    Lily ·
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    She’s definitely still going forward with it. Just had engagement photos done and said she will send out the save the dates when she wants to. She hasn’t formally asked me to be a bridesmaid but hinted at it and we’ve discussed it in the past before she got engaged. So it’s possible I’m not I guess. She’s also inviting my whole family and asked for addresses.
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  • L
    Just Said Yes January 2021
    Lily ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    Thanks for the validation! It seems so unreasonable but I’m trying to be sensitive too. I can work around whenever her date is with the appointments (husband’s not mine) but would just need to know in advance 🤷🏼‍♀️
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  • Chandra
    Master May 2019
    Chandra ·
    • Flag
    That's so weird. I would think even if they want to keep it secret from majority of guests the bridal party should be informed! What if, like you, people have prior engagements for that date? How can they give an answer as to whether or not they can stand in the party???
    Sorry she's being difficultSmiley sad
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  • Jeanie
    Super February 2020
    Jeanie ·
    • Flag

    I would just plan your procedure or whatever it is you're doing for a date that works for you now. I'm sure she knows that you are trying to do that, so if you happen to choose a date that coincides with her wedding, well I think she deserves it. This is very selfish of her, and I personally wouldn't participate with her pseudo planning for a wedding without a date.

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  • Gen
    Master June 2019
    Gen ·
    • Flag
    That is so annoying of her. If I were you I would just tell her your planning your procedure for x date and you hope it doesn’t conflict! Then either she’ll tell you the date at that point, or you’ll miss her wedding and that’s her own damn fault! Lok
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  • Christine
    Expert September 2020
    Christine ·
    • Flag

    That's super weird! I think there's a good chance you aren't one of her bridesmaids actually. Maybe ask one of her family members if they know what the date is?

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  • Cher Horowitz
    Rockstar December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
    • Flag

    She seems super immature. The date is a basic thing! Since you have medical obligations, I wouldn't play into her little game any longer. The bride needs to respect your obligations and life outside her wedding. I would tell her you're unable to be a BM anymore if you're unable to know the date. She might throw a fit, but you're doing what you have to do. Take care of yourself!

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  • T
    Devoted May 2010
    Theresa ·
    • Flag

    Some people just have to be difficult. I think they like the attention, even if it's negative. I'd tell her that you have a medical procedure to plan, and if she won't give a date then she'll have to understand that there's a chance you won't be able to attend her wedding, as a BM or guest. If she still won't tell you, then I'm sorry to say your friendship isn't all that important to her.

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  • Megan
    Super November 2020
    Megan ·
    • Flag
    I’m trying to put myself in her shoes to understand why she would give out the date to her wedding... 🧐 Honestly it sounds very immature and very weird...
    The only reason why I would refuse to tell someone my wedding date is if I was not inviting them...which doesn’t seem to be the case here.
    • Reply
  • MAMW
    VIP August 2013
    MAMW ·
    • Flag

    I mean honestly, I would give her one last chance:
    "Friend, I know you are not eager to share your wedding date and while I am trying to be respectful of your wishes, in order to be in your wedding I need to know the date so that I can plan a necessary medical procedure. If you don't give me the date by x day, I am going to have to choose dates without knowing if they will conflict with the wedding."

    And then if she doesn't give you the date, plan out your medical procedures and let her face the consequences. If she gets mad then I really think she's showing her true colors as an incredibly selfish friend because she's putting her weird desire to be secretive about her wedding date (which is so pathetically attention seeking) over a supposedly good friend's health.

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  • Holly
    Beginner May 2021
    Holly ·
    • Flag
    I think the important quetsion here is, how long has she refused to tell you the date? If it's less than 24 hours, that's one thing. I can see myself being "ug. I'm just so stressed I'll tell you tomorrow, k?" But I'm guessing it's not that.

    Yeah I'm with everyone else. You have to pick your own health first, I'm sorry you have such a difficult friend.
    • Reply
  • Andrea
    VIP April 2020
    Andrea ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    Unfortunately, I have to side with Christine. If I was a bridesmaid in someone's wedding, I would expect to know the bare bones AT LEAST about the wedding, including the wedding date. You said she has "hinted" you're a bridesmaid. But she didn't confirm it with you. Maybe she doesn't want to tell you yet because you're not a bridesmaid? I'm not trying to slight you at ALL but like I said, you call this lady your best friend, and this doesn't seem like best friend behavior. I completely understand not telling guests this info until it's time to send out invites... but a bridesmaid who is a best friend? Doesn't make sense.

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  • Deirdre
    Super March 2018
    Deirdre ·
    • Flag

    If you've asked multiple times and she still hasn't shared, I honestly wouldn't ask her again. I'd just plan the medical appointments and if you are unable to go to the wedding, you are unable to go to the wedding. Good luck!

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  • Cassidy
    VIP October 2017
    Cassidy ·
    • Flag

    If she won't tell you the date she can't be upset when you have to decline. Tell her, listen, "If you don't tell me the date, then I might not be able to make it to the wedding." That is the truth and if she wants you there (unless she's a massive drama queen, which would not surprise me...) then she can get over you not being there

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  • P
    January 2014
    Pam ·
    • Flag

    Weird. I'd ask her one more time, and if she still refuses tell her I wasn't putting my entire life on hold for a mystery date sometime next year. If it turns out I had plans in place, tough beans for her.

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