Bridal shower

Can the two moms plan one big one together? Is your MIL invited to the one your mom is throwing? If she wants to throw one and you are fine with that then stand up to your mom.

View Quoted Comment My mom is inviting all the women on his side and my side. It's not like she wasn't going to invite my fiancé side. I told my mom I didn't see a problem with it. Like yea I get it traditionally you have one big one, but I don't see a problem with having the 2. I did talk to his mom when she first brought it up to me about her throwing one for just her side and I told her that my mom and bridesmaids were going to throw one big one with both sides of the family. But she still wants to throw a separate one.

It’s fine for two but I would think it weird for the same people to be invited to both. If you’ve not given your mom the list yet I would just narrow it down to only that side of the family or to specific friends or so you want at that shower.

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Hmmmm that is odd you told her a big one would be thrown and she chose to anyways. Maybe it is because she does not have any daughters. I have seen that in cases where the families live in different states though. That is a hard one but if you do not mine two then I would tell the MIL a small one please. Let's see other opinions here. I think the MIL would be hurt if you did tell her to cancel so maybe let her have that one?

View Quoted Comment My mom feels like she is stepping on toes doing a separate one. But when my mil talks to me about it she seems excited. And she told me she wants to throw a little one in the backyard. My fiance thinks it's because she doesn't have a daughter she gets to do this with and so because she doesn't really get involved much with our wedding, this is one thing she can not only get involved with but some thing nice she can do for me.

It really depends on what you want. I don't even really want one- but my MOH is going to throw one. I told her I wanted a couples shower, because I hate these types of things and don't want to be the only one who is the center of attention.

If you don't mind, then have two.

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I think what you said is how you should explain it to your mom. I think your mom probably feels she finally gets to throw one for you and I think it may be hard for your mom to have another woman throw her daughter and event. On the other hand I can see where the MIL is coming from. Now I will say I agree with Melle it is odd to throw two showers as the purpose is for receiving gifts. Maybe the MIL and throw and engagement party which is for the both of you and that way she is not stepping on your mother's toes or maybe throw a bridal luncheon?

It could be a generational thing. Nowadays, multiple showers are quite common, but I think in your mom's day, one shower was probably the norm. I honestly think the conversation with your mom is not about the shower, but really about how you will be joining a new family now, and she will need to learn to share you, which she probably hasn't really been faced with before. Your MIL is making a very genuine, generous offer and agree with others that as long as the guest lists are separate, I can't think of a logical reason that your mom wants to "block" her other than a hint of jealousy (not trying to be mean). The fact that she told you to tell your MIL that you don't want it, when in fact you DO, really rubs me the wrong way that it is not coming from the right place. Hope you can find a solution that everyone is happy with!

I think your mom might feel a small hint of jealousy perhaps. Not to be confused with envy which is different. But maybe your mother feels like your MIL is trying to come in on her territory possibly a little bit. I think it’s great that your MIL likes you enough to treat you as if you’re the daughter she never had, and I think it’s awesome that she’s throwing you a second bridal shower, however, I would definitely expect some mixed feelings about it from your side of the family. I think it’s only natural and maybe your mom might feel left out possibly. It sounds like your mother has been pretty much going through this with you step-by-step and she’s probably now feeling a bit territorial as someone else who will now be your new mother in law is treading on her territory kind of deal. I could be totally wrong about all of this LOL who knows.

I think you guys are right. My mom is a little territorial and jealous. We were a very close family for so long and we still are as adults. But now that we are adults we are moving out far away from my parents and starting our own families and I honestly think it gets to my mom. I'm my mom's only daughter as well so for her to see my fiancé mom treating me like her daughter by throwing me a separate bridal shower, I think it really gets to her. I did tell my mom that I wasn't going to force his mom to cancel her plans on the bridal shower. If she really wanted to throw one she can. I told my mom that she needs to understand she doesn't have any daughters so maybe this is her way of feeling like she has more to do with the wedding than she had before. And that she is trying to help me celebrate this wedding by throwing another bridal party with just her side. I told my mom I really don't think she is purposely trying to step on anyone's toes. And I really don't think she is coming from a bad place. She seems really excited about the party everytime she talks about it.

It's very common to have two showers these days. I had two showers myself! One was local in the city where I currently live, and the other was in my hometown, on the complete other side of the country.

I do think it's rather inappropriate for the guest list to overlap between multiple showers thrown for the same bride. If you mom and future MIL live are both local, then why not see if they can work together? Having two separate local showers doesn't make all that much sense. But if one lives far away, then go for it as long as you keep the guest list separate. Being invited to two bridal showers for the same bride takes the gift-grabbing concept to a whole new level (I am NOT at all saying that is your intention; I understand you are stuck in this messy situation and not at fault).

I honestly think that if your future MIL insists on throwing you her own shower for her side of the family, then your mom really shouldn't invite the whole female guest list to her shower. If the guest lists are separate, then you're good to go.

Your mom is being super controlling. She doesn’t get to decide how many showers you have. It’s great she wants to throw you one but she needs to step aside and let you FMIL throw one too for her side of the family. Of course this is all based on you saying you are cool with two. If you do not want two then the moms need to work together.
But honestly it just sounds like your mom needs to control it.

If it doesn't matter to you then have the two showers. Or I would recommend them throwing one big shower and combine their guest lists. It's a way to intertwine the two families/friends. There's no reason to keep them separate.

View Quoted Comment When his mom first told me she might do a separate one for their family I told her normal you only have one big one for the bride to be unless of course the 2 families live in different states. I told her the big thing about a wedding is that it's about 2 families coming together as one, so why wouldn't we just want to have one bridal shower. But she really wants to do one and I told my mom I didn't care if I had one or two. Yes I'd rather have one but if she really wants to do a separate one it doesn't bother me.

Can you have the two showers but separate the guest list to make sure the same people are not invited to both? My mom's best friend threw me a shower, in my hometown, and my MIL also threw us a shower, in my wife's hometown. There were no issues because there were completely separate guests lists.

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Sorry you are going through this and being put in the middle. I'm sure part of it with your mom is a little jealousy and how she wants to be the one to do this for you. It is nice of future MIL to want to do this for you but I just don't understand why she needs to separate the two unless there's a good reason to.

Ugh, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds frustrating. The good news is that you have awhile before the bridal shower, as most people don't even begin to think about it until maybe 3 months or so prior to the shower date. I would just continue talking to your mother and explain that, while she will always be your only mother, your MIL is also entering into your family. I think the easiest thing to do would be to have them work together to throw the shower. If not, then yes, the guest list should be split because showers are for gifts and you don't want people feeling obligated to buy gifts for both. Another option may be to have 1 be a regular shower and the other be something like a recipe shower, where everyone brings their favorite recipe written down for you to keep.

View Quoted Comment If we end up having 2 separate parties I will definitely make sure we don't have the same guests attending both. That would just seem like I'm looking to get double gifts from people.

I can't think of any reason we would need 2 showers. The only thing I can think of is that she doesn't have an daughters she can do this stuff for. I have tried to see if my mil could just help my mom throw the party if she really wants to be involved. My mom isn't one to refuse the help or tell her she couldn't do something. If she wanted to help my mom would happily let her help. Maybe her issue is that my mom goes big with parties, she will spend a lot of money and time making sure there's enough to eat, drink and do at the party. Where as my mil is a little on the cheap side. She doesn't want to spend really any money but she wants to be involved. Like my mil doesn't like how much money we are spending on the wedding and she keeps trying to get us to go with a cheaper catering company. We are spending $10k on the entire wedding and she thinks that's to much. So it could just be a money thing with the bridal party, she wants to help but she doesn't want to be told it's going to cost more than $5.00.