Bridal shower to wedding

You and your FH hosted your own wedding shower? That’s probably why people didn’t attend. It is very rude to host your own shower. They probably saw it as a gift grab and didn’t care to participate. I’d still invite them to the wedding however.

I think it’s ok to still invite them because they might come to it

I’m curious as to what exactly happens in a drive by wedding shower........

Was it to get/receive gifts, or just a parade style celebration? I agree that is not normal to host your own wedding shower, but I think clarification as to what it was to your guests.

I wouldn’t un invite people based on them not showing up to your shower, regardless if you planned it or someone else is planning it for you.

Don't host your own shower.

You'll be celebrated at the wedding.

"Drive-by shower" sounds like a huge gift grab. " Slow down and toss us a gift, buh-bye!"

View Quoted Comment Thanks for the support guys! As if it wasn’t hard enough trying to plan something while taking others into consideration during a pandemic. It was definitely more of a drive by parade/celebration style where the invites stated we’d be handing out desserts and treats. We didn’t registry anywhere, gifts weren’t a must.

You’re not going to invite your family to your wedding because they didn’t come drop a gift off at your shower, that you threw for yourselves, in the middle of a pandemic. Does that really sound logical to you?

Hmmmm...I mean usually before any pre wedding events are held the invitations or save the dates have already been sent so I would assume these people have already known about your wedding and were invited?

I can agree that I do not feel it would be best to not invite them because they did not show. I see your point that it was a drive by wedding shower and yeah they could have made the time but I feel it is most important to make the time for your wedding day. I have gone to weddings and maybe did not go to the bachelorette or something and it did not mean I did not support the person. Could be timing or honestly maybe I was not up for going but I made sure to be there the day of the wedding.

Either one of two things will happen, they will come for your wedding or they won't and then you know where you stand with them. However, due to COVID do not feel offended if they do not because some people do not feel comfortable being around crowds during this time no matter the celebration.

View Quoted Comment I would agree with this. Invite them to the wedding.

Personally I really dislike the idea of drive-by parties. Having to allocate a specific time and get ready to go somewhere to not even get out of the car, just not my thing. Not to mention that wedding showers seem rather gift grabby in general and people are suspicious of “treats” that aren’t prepackaged at this time.
You had a lot of things stacked against you. Chalk it up to a failed experiment and don’t hold it against them.

View Quoted Comment Completely agree

Sorry that the drive by didn’t work out. But, unfortunately, everyone can’t attend everything. Plus, I don’t know how willing I ’d be either to cut into my day simply to travel, wave and keep driving (actually I really don’t now what takes place during a drive by shower, so maybe they weren’t clear either). However, I think uninviting guests as a form of “punishment” is a bit punitive for not attending a 30 second event. But I believe that they’ll show up for your wedding since it’s a full celebration.

View Quoted Comment

I agree with all of this. Aside from the fact that it isn't acceptable to throw yourself a shower, isn't it a bit early to have one if your wedding isn't until March? It's possible that guests were put off by the combination of you hosting your own shower and it being so early. I wouldn't un-invite them to your wedding

View Quoted Comment

By its very nature gifts are a must at a shower.

I would still invite them, maybe some people already had plans

Covid is an acceptable reason for being more flexible about some things, including for many a larger reception long after a very small private wedding. But a shower by definition is a party where every guest gives a gift, and that is a second gift in addition to a wedding gift sent shortly before or after the wedding. And it is never okay to throw a party for the purpose of getting gifts for yourself. That is always considered rude, even covid gives no reason for it. So when you start off doing something like that, it really is hard to say if people will come if you invite them. If your friends wanted to give you a shower, limited to your closest and most intimate friends only, as they always should be, and had done a rolling party, inviting a few people , and only for 45 minutes, then another group, and maybe a third, so
1. friends gave the party , and
2. even though it was set up like an open house, everyone actually staying for at least 30-45 minutes ( even if 10 feet away) and3. the bride opened presents from each guest, while talking to those present,then an abbreviated style of shower, small numbers at once but still a real party, most people would give it a pass. But even given by friends, wave, say a few words, and drop off a gift, is not a shower, it is a gift collection, and by any standard of manners, impolite, innappropriate, any time for any reason. I know of folks who have done stuff like this, and gotten a bad reaction ( 7 who did not come to a shower a bride gave herself sent the bride etiquette books) but then since the wedding was planned as usual, came to that. But other times, several have been reported on the board pre-covid, some where few came to a shower brides threw themselves, like 3-10 when 30 plus invited, a third to half of the guests, all bride side, never acknowledged the invitation, or rsvp no. And only groom side ( never invited to bride's shower for self) all came, and immediate family. Personally, that is what I have seen. Etiquette is really a code of behavior of what most people over time have found acceptable, and what they have decided is not. When you do something other people think rude, it is hard to predict what people will do.

I'm sorry this didn't turn out the way you had hoped, but agree with pps that it shouldn't impact who you invite to the wedding. Without knowing all the details, it's hard to know exactly why you didn't have the participation you'd hoped for. It's possible the date/time/weather/etc. didn't work for people, but as others have said it is also possible that some people found it off-putting that you hosted a shower for yourselves as that is generally very much against accepted etiquette. I know you said you didn't register, but if you described the event as a "wedding/bridal shower," most people interpret that as a gift-giving event. So no matter what you might have intended, it's quite possible guests interpreted it as a direct request for gifts, which is usually considered a rude thing to do. In addition, if your wedding is next spring, it's likely the event was at least 6-7 months prior to the wedding and that's also unusual (showers are usually 2-3 months before the wedding), and may have further affected the participation. Often on this forum, when asking about etiquette, brides/couples are encouraged by some responses to "do what you want -- etiquette is out of date!" That logic seems to miss the fact that it's not really a question of how the bride/couple interprets etiquette, but how their potential guests are likely to interpret it. Just because a couple decides they want to do something doesn't mean their choice will be well received. Sometimes posters are unhappy when they don't get a supportive response, but it's usually more likely that those responding are trying to help the poster understand how their choices might be interpreted/responded to by their loved ones. Again, I'm sorry you didn't feel the support you were hoping for, but I'd move on with wedding planning, while trying to be more mindful of the expectations of your family/friends. Good luck!

If your wedding isn’t until March perhaps people didn’t think this would be your actual shower and just thought it was something fun and more optional?

Wedding invitations should never be contingent on shower attendance, no matter what kind of shower or whether or not there is a pandemic going on. There are lots of perfectly valid reasons not to attend an event. And don't forget, you must invite everyone invited to all pre-wedding events to your wedding.

You will feel celebrated at your wedding. That should be your focus. Enjoy the rest of your planning.