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Just Said Yes September 2020

Bridal shower rant

Sarah, on August 4, 2020 at 12:40 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 14
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Due to recent financial hardship, my fiance and I have decided to have a micro wedding with just immediate family (15 guests). I was reading that you should never invite anyone to a bridal shower if they aren't invited to the wedding. Which makes sense to me, but my fiances' future sister in law is a spoiled brat and gets a tropical destination wedding paid for by her family. Obviously only like 10 people can afford to go, but since she invited us and many others she gets to have a bridal shower even though most people there won't be able to attend the wedding. She has a brand new car, gets student loans paid for, and will be getting help to pay for a nice house for them to live in. While we are struggling to live and can't afford a vacuum! I understand some people are privileged, but don't you agree this shower thing is totally unfair? I would have loved to invite all my friends and family, but I just can't. How is it that she gets to be showered in gifts by 50 people because she "invited" them, knowing they can't afford to come to the wedding, but if I had a shower it would be rude?

14 Comments

Latest activity by Amber, on August 7, 2020 at 12:56 AM
  • Melle
    Rockstar June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    I wouldn’t say that hers isn’t considered rude or inconsiderate either though.
    • Reply
  • W
    Expert September 2020
    Willow ·
    • Flag
    You can celebrate with friends without calling it a shower.


    Comparison is the thief of joy.
    • Reply
  • Margaret
    Rockstar October 2020
    Margaret ·
    • Flag

    I'm sorry things are more of a challenge for you and your FH. But it sounds like you're jealous over something she has no control of. Just because her parents / family are helping with the wedding / new house, that doesn't mean yours will be any less beautiful because you opted for a micro wedding and she's having some tropical destination wedding. How do you know only 10 people can afford to go? From personal experience, we planned our DW at an expensive resort because we know my FHs family could afford it. Many of my guests (that I expected to decline) are coming and our DW and the resort is very expensive.

    We're living in difficult times right now and as a Covid bride some things just aren't fair. I'm sorry for that, I'm sorry you feel your FSIL is a spoiled brat. But you also never know she may get everything material given to her, but down the road is the one who struggles to have a family because of infertility, while your the bride who had a micro wedding, struggled and worked hard to obtain your home which is filled with children, love and laughter.

    Don't be mad because you think she gets more (gifts from shower / wedding), it's not worth it and it will make you resentful (maybe not today, but down the road) and hateful.

    Also, my first wedding, was purposely a micro wedding we didn't invite anyone and friends and family still showered us with gifts. People who love you and wish they could be there to celebrate with you are going to send gifts irregardless.

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  • Dj Tanner
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
    • Flag
    I guess I’d have to throw the question right back at you and ask, how would you feel if you were invited to a bridal shower because the bride wants a gift from you, but did not invite you to the wedding? Personally, I’d be very insulted. There’s a major difference between inviting people to a destination wedding VS. not inviting them to your wedding at all yet still expecting a gift. Will the guests that you hoped to invite to your bridal shower know that they’re not going to be invited to your wedding?
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  • Dj Tanner
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
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    This is true, however reading from the post, it doesn’t seem like this is as much about celebrating with people that she loves, as much as it is about the amount of gifts that she’ll get from them.
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  • M
    Super January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    I definitely understand venting but this whole thing sounds like you just don't like/are jealous of this person. I encourage you to, now that you have gotten your venting out, work on leaving this behind you, for your own sake. Try not pay attention to what she is doing. Decline the invitation to her shower and think no more about it. None of her plans have anything to do with your wedding, nor is she to blame for the things you don't have.

    And as Willow said, "Comparison is the thief of joy." You are only hurting yourself by holding onto these feelings.

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  • T
    Devoted April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
    • Flag

    Is this your FI's brother's fiance? If so, why aren't you laying blame on the brother as well? It's his wedding too, right?

    The more times I read your post, I can't figure out if you're upset that you don't get to have a shower, or that she does, or that she has other advantages in life that you don't have.

    If it's some combination of #1 and #2, I'm not really sure what to say. How do you know she only has 10 guests coming? Regardless of where the wedding is, whether or not she has a shower doesn't affect whether or not you get to have one. They're two separate things. Would you be as upset if her parents threw a lavish *local* wedding? Does she not get to have a shower because she (presumably) came from money?

    Along those lines, it sounds like you're upset about the other advantages she has in life, which isn't helpful to you, or fair to her. People who have the means to do so generally want to help their children. Her car, her student loans, etc. have nothing to do with your situation.

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  • S
    Just Said Yes September 2020
    Sarah ·
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    Thank you all for the insight. I guess I just needed to vent about it because I'm jealous. It's not her fault at all, it just sucks that I wanted to have a nice big wedding and invite everyone and have the whole bridal experience, but I just can't. I like the idea of having a party without gifts so I can still have that experience.
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  • S
    Just Said Yes September 2020
    Sarah ·
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    Sorry I meant for that to be a reply for all.
    • Reply
  • Katie
    Expert August 2021
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    I think it's a different situation If the people are invited to the wedding and invited to the bridal shower but can't come to the wedding do to financial reasons, compared to you not inviting people to the wedding but wanting to invite them to the shower. It sounds like you are very jealous of her.


    My sister in law is like that, very jealous of my wedding. She got married to my brother at 18 and was 6 months pregnant and was only working a part time job so she couldn't afford to have her dream wedding or her dream dress so her grandmother paid for everything but it had to be done the way the grandmother could afford. I'm 29 with no kids and have a full time job making great money and my fiance also has a great full time job, so we can afford to have a nice weddings. Every time we talk about the wedding which my sister in law is in she constantly complains about how it so unfair that she had this crappy wedding and I get to have my dream wedding. Im having 2 bridal showers because my mother in law doesn't want to have to many people at one do to covid so she will be throwing me a separate one with just his side of the family. My sister had to complain about how it's unfair she didn't even get one bridal shower and here I am getting 2. I bought an expensive dress and she had to complain about how much she hated her dress and was forced by her grandmother to find one out of the $99 rack.
    If I was you I'd just try and get over the jealous thing with his sister. She has everything paid for so what, at least you can say you worked hard for your stuff. She has a big wedding so what at the end it isn't about the fancy weddings it is about marring the person of your dreams.
    If you spend your whole life looking over the fence at what other people have and comparing your life to theirs you will end up being a very miserable person. There are plenty of people out there who have things a million times worse than you. You should be thankful for what you got.
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  • Mrsjimenez👰
    Dedicated November 2020
    Mrsjimenez👰 ·
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    Couldn't have said it better👏
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  • Amanda
    Dedicated October 2020
    Amanda ·
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    Just have a shower anyways. Most people are pretty understanding right now and won’t care. If they don’t want to come then they don’t have to. I went to a bridal shower for a friend having a destination wedding with only close family. I had a good time. You future sister in law has no control over your situation and you shouldn’t hold a grudge over something you have no control over either. I consider a lot of wedding etiquette to be more so guidelines and not rules.
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  • Mrs. Coakley
    Master June 2017
    Mrs. Coakley ·
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    I wouldn't worry about her. If you are struggling financially, don't go to the shower or send a gift.

    • Reply
  • Amber
    Just Said Yes March 2021
    Amber ·
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    Agree. Plus typically the family of the bride helps more financially rather than the family of the groom....
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