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Savvy July 2020

Bridal Shower Invite Etiquette

Katie, on January 3, 2020 at 6:23 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 13

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Hi brides! I feel I’m being very thoughtful and courteous to be guests as far as planning for the actual wedding. I’m in my mid thirties, and so I’ve been to a TON of weddings and have taken notes along the way as a guest and from the couple’s themselves. That said, there’s a lot of traditional “etiquette,” and traditions I’ve tjroqn out the window, but that’s another topic. The wedding itself is pretty big, with the guest list being literally the only thing I’m stressed about. Despite having a big wedding, I’d like a relatively small and intimate low-key shower. Frankly, I’d prefer no shower at all, but that’s a battle I’m willing to give in on with my mother. I’m not even pressuring my out-of-town bridesmaids to come if it’s too much trouble. What’s the etiquette here? Does the etiquette make sense? Will people be offended if they’re not invited? I hate bridal and baby showers myself and always cringe when I get an invite, so I’m not good at judging.

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13 Comments

Latest activity by Megan, on January 4, 2020 at 3:10 PM

Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on January 3, 2020 at 6:25 PM
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Showers should be for your nearest and dearest, not every single woman invited to the wedding.
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Savvy July 2020
Katie · on January 3, 2020 at 6:27 PM
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Oh dear. So sorry for the typos! Doing too many things at once!
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on January 3, 2020 at 6:29 PM
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You do not have to have everyone but I will say at least for the bridal party it may be offensive if they do not get an invite. If you do not want a lot of people to avoid hurt feelings I would avoid posting pics to social media.
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Savvy July 2020
Katie · on January 3, 2020 at 6:32 PM
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Oh, the bridal party DEFINITELY is invited. Sorry if that wasn’t clear. I’m just not demanding it. Some would require a plane ticket, child care, lodging, and will be heavily pregnant, and it would be difficult to attend. I’m just giving them an out and am laid back about it. I’d never cut them out of anything. They already know I’d love their presence to all events, but I am of limits.
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on January 3, 2020 at 6:34 PM
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Just invite your nearest and dearest. You don’t have to invite every woman who is invited to the wedding. My wedding was 100 people invited 150, about 50% women, and my shower I think we invited 30 people and 17 came.
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Dedicated September 2021
Ali · on January 3, 2020 at 6:50 PM
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I’m having a large wedding as well. This might be explained a little weird but I hope it help. Try to think of when you were preparing you’re overall guest list, did you have people sticking out in your head who “had to be invited” (ie: aunts or cousins). Those “have to invites” I’d say would be the same for your shower. All of the guest you just “wanted” at your wedding don’t necessarily have to be invited to the shower. ( I have a closer relation to my “have tos” than my “wants” hence my rational.) I think some people will be offended they didn’t get invited but some people will also be relieved (those who don’t like showers either). Ultimately it’s your day, do what you want with it and if people get upset just state you wanted it really small.
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Savvy July 2020
Katie · on January 3, 2020 at 6:58 PM
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I appreciate your incite. The reason traditional “etiquette” is so hard, I think, is because everyone’s situation and relationships are so different. For instance, I don’t even want my aunts, uncles, and cousins at my wedding! It’s acrually a point of contention regarding the guest list. Of course, they’re invited because they “have to” be, but I honestly have zero relationship with them and it’s just such an obligation. I haven’t even seen them in twenty plus years at no fault of my own. On the other hand, I’ve made family of many friends, and many of them are way higher on the list than many of my family members. I completely understand and appreciate your perspective for those who are close to their families, but I’d sooner not have a shower I think if it was primarily family.
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Dedicated September 2021
Ali · on January 3, 2020 at 7:05 PM
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I can understand that! I didn’t mean “have tos” to just be those people, I was just using them as an example! If you’d rather invite other people, you have all right to invite who you want there and who you want to share it with! I hope whatever you decide it works out and it’s a day you enjoy!!
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on January 3, 2020 at 7:13 PM
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Ahhhh ok lol. Yeah be laid back but no need to have a ton of people. Do not see it as a shower rather brunch? Whatever you have in your cup is your business.
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Expert February 2020
Givemeallthepups · on January 3, 2020 at 7:18 PM
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We invited 175 to our upcoming wedding and I think 40 to the shower. That includes my out of town family / friends that I told “you’re getting an invite because I thought you would be hurt to not get invited but don’t feel obligated to attend.” Only one of the out of town people is attending.
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Expert October 2021
Megan · on January 4, 2020 at 4:47 AM
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Other PPs have given great advice. Just a note from a wedding etiquette person, there's nothing in the grand scheme of etiquette that dictates you have to invite aunts, uncles, or cousins if you don't want to. Other than inviting the significant others of everyone who has them, there's no "have to" invite rule. Etiquette suggests inviting in circles (as in, don't invite one of your mom's sisters but not the other one, or you should invite all cousins from one area of the family) but even that is merely a suggestion.

You don't have to invite anyone to your wedding just because they're your (or fiancé's) family. I'm definitely inviting more friends than family on my side because of the way my relationships shake out.
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Savvy July 2020
Katie · on January 4, 2020 at 1:59 PM
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I agree, and I wish I could have you tell our mothers this!
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Expert October 2021
Megan · on January 4, 2020 at 3:10 PM
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Hahaha -- send them a screenshot of the forum! I've been in the wedding industry for four years and write for a bunch of major wedding publications if that lends any credence to the argument!!
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