Bridal Shower Etiquette for Eloping

There’s gray area here. If everyone knows your eloping and is still offering to throw you a shower, I think it’s fine. If you’re just uninviting everyone but not telling them you’re eloping, I don’t think it’s appropriate to have a shower.

No - it's really rude to invite someone to shower you with gifts for an event they are not invited to (they're important enough to celebrate you and buy you presents but no important enough to be invited to the event they are celebrating?). There is no gray area. And there's also nothing wrong with eloping! But this kind of thing is the tradeoff.

View Quoted Comment People throw church and work showers all the time and know they aren’t invited to the wedding. As long as everyone knows they aren’t invited, how is this different?

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I've only ever experienced those as total surprises - obviously the bride can't turn down a shower she doesn't know is happening but maybe that's not the case everywhere. I guess as long as literally everyone knows the eloping thing is happening and they're not invited to the wedding then maybe it's ok? But this situation is different because everyone was previously invited and now the plans are changing. In this case I think the best course of action is to decline the shower since the wedding is no longer happening as planned.

I think you're totally fine to still have the shower thrown! If I were invited to a shower for a couple who is choosing to elope, I would never think they were being rude. I've been to several showers of couples having smaller weddings and I wasn't invited to the actual ceremony. I can't imagine thinking so much into that.

Plus, you aren't throwing this shower. You're having it thrown for you in your honor. I say you're more than fine! I would let your sister and fiancé's aunt know your thoughts and go from there. I can't imagine it will be a huge deal!

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I disagree! Even in this case, she is still a bride. My family and friends would 100% still want to shower my FH and I if we up and decided the whole wedding planning thing wasn't for us and we wanted to elope instead. They would probably laugh at me if I told them I was declining the shower because it was rude to elope and still have a shower. The upcoming marriage is what people are celebrating, it's not really supposed to be about the big party, or lack of. I don't think everyone thinks this much into these kind of things - so totally depends on your group! But I seriously wouldn't have a single thought about it being rude if I were an original wedding guest of the couple who decided to elope. I would still attend the shower. It's ultimately a party in the couple's honor. You could get away with not even bringing a gift at all if you were someone who thought the situation was inappropriate or against etiquette. Just showing up and celebrating the couple would be more than okay.

I think this might be a know-your-crowd thing, as the difference in opinions thus far has shown. I don't think this would fly in my area/crowd/culture, but I also don't think there's anything wrong with it *as long as* everyone knows you cancelled the wedding/uninvited all guests/are eloping. If people still want to throw events/showers, that's great and you should go for it! However, I think the etiquette in my area/crowd/culture would kinda require a no-gift policy for whatever shower/event was thrown...probably a bridal "luncheon" instead of a "shower." If people still wanna bring gifts because they feel strongly, that's great, but it would have to be totally their choice....not strongly recommended by the word "shower."

Disclaimer: where I'm from, we don't really have work / church showers where non-wedding-guests are invited. It's a pretty strict "if they're not invited to your wedding, do NOT invite them to buy you stuff" policy. But that's just my experience! Take it with a grain of salt, as only the OP will know her crowd.

No. If you elope, you have no guests so there is no one to invite to a shower. Therefore you don’t have one. It is rude to invite people to a shower when they are not invited to the wedding. The only exception is coworkers hosting a shower because they are rarely if ever invited and still want to share in your happiness.

Unless it was something like a work shower, I don't think it would be appropriate to have in this situation.

This would definitely not fly in my family or social circle... it would come across as very gift-grabby

In my circle of family and friends, if you elope, you don't have a bridal shower (because only wedding guests should be invited to showers). However, you know your loved ones best, so if you know they will be OK being invited to a mandatory gift-giving party without being invited to the main event, then go ahead and have that shower.

If the people throwing and attending know they are not invited to the wedding, go for it. If it’s a surprise elopement do not.

One of the sacrifices you make when eloping is not being able to have a bridal shower. It's rude and tacky to have a gift giving event if the guests aren't invited to your wedding. But it sounds like your sister and FH's aunt started planning your bridal shower before you decided you wanted to elope, which makes this whole idea even worse IMO...

I'm another for whom my area/family/social group would find this rude/inappropriate.... There would be a whole lot of eye-rolling because it would be considered very gift-grabby. As others said, if I'm not invited to the wedding, why would be invited to the shower? Only you know your crowd enough to know if they'll be okay with it (but keep in mind, not everyone who finds it inappropriate will let you know that -- they might just think it and not tell you).

The etiquette is that you don't get a shower if you elope. Anyone invited to pre-wedding events must be invited to the wedding itself.

Work or church showers tend to be super low key with everyone pitching in a token amount for a group gift. Traditional showers don't have that dynamic and would likely come off as gift grabby

As Vicky said, the etiquette is that you don't invite guests to pre-wedding parties unless they are invited to the wedding.

If you were throwing the shower for yourself it would definitely be gift-grabby to do it after eloping. Then again, it was once considered the mother of etiquette mis-steps to throw a shower for yourself (back in the day even mothers and sisters hosting would have been considered gift-grabby) but that rule appears to have gone the way of VHS tapes. I think if your new family still wants to give you a shower, it's perfectly fine to let them proceed. Your new mother in law might be seeing it as an opportunity to introduce you to the friends and family on that side. I had some cousins who told my aunt that they knew they weren't going to be on the guest list but really wanted to come to the shower anyway because they were happy for me and wanted to see me and all the rest of the family. You could mention to her that you feel uncomfortable with the idea of being showered with gifts from people who didn't get invited to a wedding, and she could decide to have a regular party for you instead. But there might be people who want to give you gifts, or she might still want it to be a shower. In that case, just accept graciously!