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Beginner December 2019

Bridal party issues

khaimera, on July 15, 2019 at 9:29 AM Posted in Planning 1 17

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TL;DR my bridal party for the most part is self-absorbed and I don’t feel like I have any support or that anyone cares that I’m getting married.

My FH and I have been engaged for 1.5 years now with our vows coming up mid-December this year. We picked our bridal party right away; on my side it’s my two younger sisters (26, 20), his sister, one of his best men’s wives, and one of my friends from high school. The first year there wasn’t much planning going on because my sisters said they were too busy to think about it. So when January came around, I started to try to get them involved with dresses and meeting the bridal party and giving them ideas of things I would enjoy for a bachelorette later and what I was thinking for the wedding. They weren’t really interested in any of what I had to say and said they’d just do any planning remotely. We ran into a bunch of issues that resulted in us rescheduling the reception for next year and just doing a smaller thing with family and bridal party for vows for this December.

My sister finally started planning a bachelorette without consulting any other bridesmaids and wanted to combine it with my and my youngest sister’s birthdays and have it the weekend following Thanksgiving in the area right by her house, which is really far from everyone else, including myself. I told her I didn’t think that would work because other people should be there and that that’s when we visit my FH’s family for Thanksgiving since we do Thanksgiving with mine. So I gave examples of things we could do closer to middle ground for everyone using some examples she gave and said a different weekend would be better. She moved the date, but not the location.

The wife bridesmaid doesn’t particularly care about anything I have to say, especially if it isn’t about her and I don’t feel supported or like I can talk to her about anything regarding the wedding.

Because there was so much confusion with health problems in my family and my temporary unemployment while switching jobs, one of my bridesmaids said she assumed we weren’t doing anything (which I never said) and she booked a trip at the time of our wedding, so now I’m down a bridesmaid as well.

The only one one who has been great has been my FH’s sister. And she’s excited but not getting responses from anyone else about anything.

I don’t know what to do when the wedding is in just over 150 days and I don’t feel like any of it is about me or that anyone cares.

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17 Comments

Latest activity by Ashley, on July 17, 2019 at 2:34 PM

Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on July 15, 2019 at 9:55 AM
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I guess I’m not really seeing the problem here. It’s not your bridal party’s job to plan your wedding. You really need minimal involvement from them; buy a dress, show up. It’s unfortunate that your sister didn’t take everyone else’s location into consideration when planning your bachelorette, but I would be grateful that she’s planning one at all. She doesn’t have to do it in the first place, so try to keep that in mind.
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Beginner December 2019
khaimera · on July 15, 2019 at 10:06 AM
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It’s not about them planning anything since I said I didn’t need anything like that. They told me earlier this year that they thought weddings were bullshit and they didn’t care so I told them if they wanted out to say so and I’d find someone else. They said they wanted to be there so I didn’t replace them. I don’t think it’s far to have your bridesmaid be uninterested in any aspect of your wedding and make it a somewhat miserable experience when it could be fun and a bonding experience. I don’t need them to plan anything with the wedding. Just not being dismissive and rude when I’m answering their questions.
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on July 15, 2019 at 10:07 AM
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I'm sorry you're not feeling supported I would have serious talks with all of them about how you are feeling. Perhaps if you are more assertive with what you want (i.e. a bachelorette closer to where YOU want it), your sister will listen to you!
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on July 15, 2019 at 10:07 AM
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I’m sorry that they’ve made your wedding planning experience miserable. Can you share how? From your original post, it doesn’t really seem like they’ve done anything wrong.
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Super October 2020
Ashley · on July 15, 2019 at 10:08 AM
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While I know how it feels to feel like no one cares it really isn't their job. Sure you want them to want to, but you have to remember that people have their own lives and things going on.
right now both my sister and I are planning 2020 weddings so I know that I am lucky in that we can shop together and bounce ideas off each other, but no I don't have either sister's full attention on my wedding.
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Super October 2020
Ashley · on July 15, 2019 at 10:10 AM
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You are saying you don't need them to help plan, but in the same post say it isn't fair they aren't interested. Can you tell us what makes you think they aren't interested? Do you want them to call you and ask how it is going?
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Super September 2019
Iva · on July 15, 2019 at 10:11 AM
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Few points here:
- If you feel that someone doesn’t care about you, they should not be in your BP, it’s simple as that. Why would you ask people who you think don’t care about you, to be your BP in the first place? BP should be made out of your closest friends/family, people you know will always be there for you. Bridesmaid who scheduled a trip on your wedding day is obviously not interested in being your bridesmaid. Otherwise she would have asked you if the wedding is still on, before booking a trip.
- You have 150 days! That’s plenty of time to get everything BP related done, so don’t stress.
- Your BP is not obligated to plan your wedding with you. You should be talking about wedding planning & details with your FH primarily. And if someone else is offering their help, then great! But don’t expect people to drop everything to plan your wedding or to even be nearly as excited as you are about it. I have 2 closest friends who are super supportive & excited & always ask me about wedding planning etc. But that’s because they are amazing friends & I’m lucky to have them. But I still wouldn’t expect them to plan my wedding with me.
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Beginner December 2019
khaimera · on July 15, 2019 at 10:21 AM
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Thanks Jennifer. I’ll have to try to talk to them again. I don’t have a very supportive family, so with so many people flaking out or giving the impression that me getting married is an inconvenience to them, I’m just trying to make things go smoothly as possible. One of the other bridesmaids mentioned that the destination for the bridal party was a lot of the other invitees and she hasn’t been able to get my sister to respond to her.
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Beginner December 2019
khaimera · on July 15, 2019 at 10:24 AM
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Again, I don’t want them to plan the wedding with me. I’m giving them details they need to know and getting attitude back. One of the other bridesmaids mentioned that the destination for the bachelorette was a lot for the other invitees and she hasn’t been able to get my sister to respond to her. I’m just trying to make things go smoothly and getting responses like thinking that weddings are bullshit aren’t helpful. And I didn’t know that my BP was going to act this way because they hadn’t when we first got engaged. But the closer we’re getting to the date the more unresponsive they’re becoming when I’m trying to give timelines and details.
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Champion November 2016
LB · on July 15, 2019 at 10:31 AM
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2 years is a LOOOONNNNGGGG time to be excited about a wedding that isn't yours. Especially when it's been pushed back and there is no reception, only the ceremony.
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Super September 2019
Iva · on July 15, 2019 at 10:33 AM
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If a person thinks weddings are bs, they should obviously not be in your BP. So I wouldn’t ask them in the first place & if they said that to me, I’d offer them to step down from the role, not to torture them anymore with wedding planning, as they obviously don’t enjoy it. My sister, for example, who is very close to me, thinks that whole concept of BP is silly & she also doesn’t like standing in front of bunch of people. So even though we love each other dearly, we both agreed it’s the best she is not in BP.

It’s hard for me to imagine not knowing how each one of my closest family/friends would behave in a role of BM. So it sounds like these people are not very close to you to begin with, or some of them are just not into weddings, which is why you’re running into issues.

Lastly, the only info BP really needs is: info about attire they are supposed to wear & info on day-of schedule & when they should come for pictures or getting ready etc.
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Savvy September 2019
Amanda · on July 15, 2019 at 10:44 AM
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I understand where you are coming from, however most people on here will tell you that your bridal party doesn't have to do anything. But there are bridesmaids out there that want to help. Have a serious conversation with them and see if they want to be part of it. If they blow you over, just chose someone else. I've been a bridesmaid many times and overall, bridesmaids have been willing to help. Don't feel obligated to keep someone in the bridal party if they are acting like they don't care at all. It's your wedding ultimately.

I'm also sorry that your bridesmaids don't seem to care, other people's moods can bring down yours and I understand that. Feel free to PM me if you want to vent without other people's judgement.
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VIP August 2021
Jennifer · on July 15, 2019 at 11:14 AM
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Of course! I hope your sister comes around. If I may, is she older than you? Is she married yet? She may just be having some jealousy about you getting married before her. It sucks when it happens, but it does! My friend had a similar experience. I would lean on the bridesmaid who is being supportive, and make it known to her how much you appreciate her!
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Beginner December 2019
khaimera · on July 15, 2019 at 11:18 AM
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She’s younger. I’m 30, she’s 26. But even though she always says she doesn’t want a wedding, that might be part of it. I have told his sister how much I appreciate her and I’ll just make sure to let her know even more. Thanks!
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Beginner December 2019
khaimera · on July 15, 2019 at 11:19 AM
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Thank you so much! You’re wonderful and I appreciate knowing I’m not the only one who’s felt this.
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Super October 2020
Brittany · on July 15, 2019 at 1:36 PM
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You are not the only one who feels this way. Now there are a lot of people who say BMs shouldn't have any part of planning but in my opinion, I want mine involved I love hearing ideas because I am stuck and need some help. But if you have one good one that really let's you bounce off ideas from and share how you are feeling then keep that one and ditch the rest. They seem to be bringing you down as well which this is supposed to be about you and your FH. I have only one bridesmaid out of six that is really interested and keeps asking to help me and I appreciate her more than anything. You are always going to be more excited about your wedding than others. If you don't feel supported though with your BP change it around and see if that helps. I am sorry to hear that they are being unresponsive and rude. Also you have this platform for support too! We are here to help and support you if ever you feel like you need it! Ultimately you do what you feel is good and happy for you and your FH. Not for anyone else and their opinions. It's easier said than done I'm afraid but you got this!
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Dedicated June 2019
Ashley · on July 17, 2019 at 2:34 PM
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A lot of people on here will make you seem like the bad guy for posting this and feeling this way, but I on the other hand, agree with you and understand where you're coming from. Sure, bridesmaids aren't meant to do any type of "planning" but mine were constantly asking how things were going and offering to help with anything that I needed if my husband wasn't able to come with me due to work conflicts. I am also this type of bridesmaid for the 2 weddings that I am standing up in, so I received that same type of support in return. Maybe I was just spoiled? But that's what mine did for me and there ARE bridesmaids out there like that. Dismissing you and giving you an attitude is not okay. I would reach out to them and voice your concerns and see where it goes from there. Happy planning! I hope this gets better for you
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