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Just Said Yes July 2020

Bridal Party Etiquette

Melissa, on August 19, 2019 at 2:09 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 18
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Hi Everyone,

I have a question on Bridal Party Etiquette! My future husband and I have been at odds on this for many months. We got engaged on April 20, 2019. I (the bride) have a 1 brother, who is my best friend! I have always imagined my brother as a grooms men at my wedding. But for some reason my future husband does not want to include my brother as a grooms men. My brother and him have no problems at all. FH just states that it would be awkward if they talk about me when they all hang out. Which I find ridiculous! I am very upset and have fought with my FH many many times in the beginning when we got engaged. It really hurts me that my brother will not be in my wedding party. I even went as far as saying I’ll even have his sister as a bridesmaid. But he stated I am not close to her why would I have her. My answer simply was I need to get closer to her and I thought that would be a good opportunity. He replies she wouldn’t want to be a bridesmaid. Which I am fine with, I don’t care if she is one anyways. I care about my brother.

I know there’s a such thing as Bridesman and stuff like that, but in my culture that is not used. And my brother would not be up for that either.

i am very hurt and get angry at times just thinking my brother will not be in my bridal party pictures!

What can I do? I was thinking of having him as a god parent but honestly I always dreamt of my brother as a groomsmen. But I know the Groom picks his party. I just think it is super messed up. And I don’t want my brother to feel left out.

Is there any idea on what I can do to include him? Especially in the pictures?

18 Comments

Latest activity by Olivia, on August 19, 2019 at 6:22 PM
  • TobeWed
    Savvy August 2020
    TobeWed ·
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    I'm afraid I have to go with your FH on this one, he gets to pick his groomsmen. If you want your brother in the photos that much then break tradition and have him as a bridesman. I don't think you can pressure your FH into something he doesnt want to do just because you don't want to have him as a bridesman. Sorry, but best of luck with the planning!

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  • D
    Super July 2020
    D ·
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    Is there another way to have him in the ceremony? Could he do a spiritual reading or a passage from a book you both like?
    He will be included in the family photos but I know it's not the same.
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  • Sara
    Super October 2019
    Sara ·
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    Agreed with PPs - I'd make him a bridesman, or give him some other type of honor. He doesn't have to hang with the girls for bridal showers/bachelorette/getting ready, but he could mingle with the guys before the wedding if you're having the groomsmen serve as ushers, and then simply stand with you during the ceremonyh

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  • Izzykern
    Super April 2021
    Izzykern ·
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    That’s hard. I totally understand where you’re coming from, I would love for my FH to have my brother as a groomsmen, but at the end of the day it is their decision who they want standing up. We get to pick our bridesmaids so they should get to pick groomsmen, in my opinion. It’s their day too, and sometimes I feel like I get wrapped up in planning that I forget that!
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    Your FH is right. Why would either of you include people that you're not close to in your side of the wedding party? You can include him by having him do a reading, but he typically still wouldn't be involved in wedding party photos.

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  • Amelia
    Dedicated March 2021
    Amelia ·
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    This line made me wince - "FH just states that it would be awkward if they talk about me when they all hang out." What is your FH saying about you to his friends that he doesn't want your brother to hear?? I agree you should include him as a reader and he will be in all the family pictures.

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  • R
    Super September 2018
    Rachel ·
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    I would keep trying to find a happy medium here. First, my brother was not a groomsman in my wedding but we have plenty of family photos with him in it! For example, my husband and I with my immediate family. Husband and I with both immediate families. Etc. I’m sure you can even tell your photographer in advance that you want to add a few bridal party pics with your brother in them. A good photographer will handle this with grace so it flies right under everyone’s radar.

    Second, perhaps your fiancé would be comfortable with each of your siblings in the wedding party for ceremony/photo purposes? Meaning, he doesn’t need to invite your brother to a bachelor party or for the full time of getting ready (and same for you with the sister, but if you want to then go for it). It might even make sense (especially if you are very close to your brother, as you say) that the siblings get ready with their sibling rather than their gender.

    Third angle, this can be a big deal for some parents (especially if they are contributing to the wedding), so you can try and see if they have any opinion or influence there.
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  • Mrsbdg
    Champion August 2017
    Mrsbdg ·
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    Totally agree!

    If you want the people you're closest to standing with you talk to your brother about being your “man of honor” or “bridesman”. You may be surprised that this very old tradition may not be nearly as important as supporting you on your wedding day.

    If not I’d also agree with the other PP that you can have him readings
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  • Taylor
    VIP October 2020
    Taylor ·
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    He could be an usher! I’ve seen a lot of couples do this with siblings that the spouse isn’t super close with. My fiancé’s sister and sister in law are bridesmaids but I’m very close with them. My brother in law (sisters husband) will be an usher because we’d like to include him in photos but we don’t know him well enough to make him a groomsman.
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  • Erika
    Savvy August 2021
    Erika ·
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    That’s so interesting you’re going through this as well. I’m extremely close with my brother as well and have always imagined him being a part of my bridal party. We have talked about this topic a couple times with my FH. He also hasn’t said no, just hasn’t made up his mind yet. That is a good point though, your brother will be in all the family pictures regardless, and there will be plenty of those! Hope everything works out for you!
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  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
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    I don’t think this means anything bad and is completely reasonable. Groomsmen go to bachelor parties, dudes at bachelor parties talk about strip clubs and boobs. If the guys aren’t close the relationship is always seen as through the middle man (ie my brother sees my husband as MY husband) and there can be an awkward dynamic, especially if bro in question is a protective older brother, haha.



    at any rate, op, something’s got to give. You are mad that he doesn’t want this and won’t consider it, but you’re also not considering the alternative (him standing on your side) because it’s not common in your circle— but all it takes is one person to change the cycle! I do think that the reader option is a great compromise. And just because he’s not in the bridal party doesn’t mean he’ll be absent from pic! My brother wasn’t part of the wedding party, but was involved in many portraits— family, all the siblings— we got a lot of great photos together!
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  • Florida Marlins
    Expert October 2017
    Florida Marlins ·
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    I have to go with you FH on this one, you would not like to be told/forced who to have in your bridal party. Have your brother do a reading, or perhaps give a toast, or make him you Man of Honor.

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  • M
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    I don't see why you can't have a bridesman? I had one. They're so common now because bridal parties aren't gender specific all the time anymore. BUT anyway, so I didn't include my brother and sister in law as my bridesmaid or groomsman. Instead what I did was also have them walk in the processional before my parents so that they're already recognized. I also agree with your fiance though. He gets to decide who he wants.
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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    I personally would be hurt if my brother wasn't included as a GM, but that wasn't an issue for us and my husband wanted to include my brother. My brother went to the bachelor party & everything was fine. My husband doesn't talk about me in a weird way (sex or whatever) with his friends anyway so nothing he said would make my brother uncomfortable. I also included my husband's four sisters in my bridal party.


    I'd just make your brother a bridesman and have him stand on your side!

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  • Meghan
    Master October 2019
    Meghan ·
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    It sounds like your only option to have him as a bridal party member is to have him on your side as a bridesman. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. There are 2 bridesmen in our wedding party and I would not change it for anything! But you do not get to dictate who your FH has as his groomsmen. So if having your brother in the wedding is really that important to you, then make him a bridesman and move on.

    Also, tell your FH to stop talking about you in front of his friends in ways that is clearly inappropriate!

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  • Jeanie
    Super February 2020
    Jeanie ·
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    I seem to be the only one, but I think it’s wrong for your FH to not include your brother. If you are that close to your brother, I would imagine that he’s around enough for your FH to have a decent relationship with him, and at the very least to see how much your brother means to you. Furthermore, I think it’s rude for him to say no, especially with the reasoning that he doesn’t want to have to filter what he says. I get that it should be up to the groom to pick the groomsmen, and that usually it’s his friends and family, but you are getting married and after the wedding your brother will be his family too. If for no other reason, he should ask out of respect for you.
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    I don't think this is an etiquette issue at all. Sure, there are some traditions in some cultures around this, but it is by no means universal that all siblings need to be in the bridal party. I am definitely in favor of each person getting married choosing those they are closest to to stand on their side. Even setting various levels of relationship closeness aside, there are all sorts of practical and logistical reasons for not including all siblings.

    I would apologize to your FS for fighting with him over this topic and move on with your planning, ideally having your brother in your party. And even if having your brother stand on your side is not traditional for your culture, recognize that YOU are making the decision not to include him there; the blame does not lie with your FS.

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  • O
    Dedicated November 2019
    Olivia ·
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    I would be hurt if my brother wasn't in the bridal party. This should be about compromise, you did try, but your fiance isn't budging and that doesn't seem right to me. But having him up there with you at all, even if its on your side, will be better than nothing and you'll have those moments with him still. Unfortunately you might have to bite the bullet and go for it, though I don't see why you should apologize if he's the one refusing to compromise on something that he knows means so much to you. Its not how things should go and your brother will be part of his family after the wedding. Its one day. He can be kind and suck it up. I got lucky, my fiance had no friends really because he was such a hermit when I met him. Soon my friends became his and he was perfectly fine including my brother and a couple of our mutual friends for his groomsmen.

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