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Super August 2019

Bridal Party Disappointment

Samantha, on June 10, 2019 at 4:50 PM Posted in Planning 0 12

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Twice the disappointment in a week now! After giving up on trying to get people to RSVP, I finally got around to writing and sending out the itinerary for the week for our wedding party.

I reached out to my MOH since she was the only person I STILL haven’t heard from. Now she’s saying she might not be able to come at all (and she hasn’t don’t anything MOH-wise either, other than initially say she’d LOVE to when I did my proposal). She’s known since November.

Mini Rant, airing my grievances.

Now. I’m not selfish, I get it. She has a great job opportunity and that would help her financially which she has informed me she isn’t currently sitting well financially. So either she gets the job can’t guarantee she can get the time off now or not get the job now she can’t afford to come. I’d love for her to get the job because I know how hard it is to find a great job. I’d be happier knowing she couldn’t get the time off for a great job.

My frustration comes from the fact she hasn’t spoken to me once about anything going on. I offered to assist early on with accommodation since we’re getting a group loft and said she wouldn’t have to worry about paying - so just airfare, misc and some food when we don’t have parties. I’m planning and paying for my own Bach party. Not even worried about a dress, something affordable or what she has is fine with me. Now she isn’t sure she can afford to come and has gone a trip at least once a month since Jan and just got back from a spur of the moment (she told me as such) trip to Cuba. I know no one else is as excited, I can’t repeat that enough until I’m blue in the face. But she’s my MOH. Now I feel like I picked the wrong girl to stand or not stand at my side.. should I promote my bridesmaid? Ugh. Also our combo Bach party looks to be me and FH with his BM, none of my girls.

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12 Comments

Latest activity by Gen, on June 11, 2019 at 10:44 AM

Master 0000
Judith · on June 10, 2019 at 5:05 PM
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On the Bach party, just drop it if your friends do not want to do it with you. Let the guys have their own. Bach parties are a relatively new choice in wedding parties for brides. But in any party you give/ pay for , for yourself, if none of the invitees can or want to come, there is no party. Take the hint, don't make a big issue of it. Bachelorette parties are usually planned by others, in honor of the bride. Clearly, people either did not want one, or you decided to plan what you wanted, and they have not supported you giving a party in your own honor, and doing what you want. So be gracious about your failure to get what you wanted, not offered by others, and let it go. No one is entitled to a Bach, and you need to focus on enjoying the wedding. Let FI do things with his guys, with your best wishes.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on June 10, 2019 at 5:14 PM
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Ah it sounds like she's not really doing her duties as Moh. I'm always understanding of the fact that a wedding isn't someone else's priority even it it's a wedding party member. But there's a line drawn to that too where it you're a member of the party then there should be some importance of your duties in it. I wouldn't promote someone else to take over as Moh though because it'll just sound like you're filling in a title.
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Super August 2019
Samantha · on June 10, 2019 at 5:19 PM
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Harsh. Unnecessary and harsh. I thought this was a forum where brides supported each other not tore each other down. I already feel bad for a myriad of reasons and wedding stress. All you’ve aided in doing is an attempt to further hurt my feelings.

Also. It’s a destination wedding and both my Wedding Girls I know are strapped for cash so I took the cost off them to host it. This isn’t about the Bach, it’s about my MOH not being there at all.
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on June 10, 2019 at 5:25 PM
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I don't have great advice but I can definitely relate. My husband's best man and groomsmen were an absolute dream team. They were at every event, going above and beyond to help him out and be there for him. On the other hand, my bridesmaids were all kind of scattered about those things. Not really to anyone's individual "fault"... 2 of them are from out of town and don't have much money to travel, 1 has a very time-consuming job and also got injured a few months before the wedding, and 1 was graduating college 2 weeks before the wedding so she was very consumed with exams in the months leading up to the wedding. But I definitely sympathize with you... it is really, really hard to watch your husband's friends all go above and beyond for him while yours just aren't, regardless of the reason for why they are unable to do so.
Like I said, I don't have any super great "advice" other than to let you know that you're not alone in feeling like this, it is a really crappy way to feel during a time that you should feel so excited and full of love. I will also tell you that on your wedding day I guarantee that feeling will disappear. People kept telling me that when I felt this way and I didn't believe them, but I swear it does. You will be surrounded by so much love and so many people who care about you that everything else just kind of fades away.
Also, I really feel like the "his friends" and "my friends" thing fades away more and more the longer we're together, and ESPECIALLY during our wedding weekend. I've gotten so close with my husband's best man, who was consistently there for both of us throughout the entire process. During our wedding weekend, it really didn't feel like he was there for my husband, it felt like he was there for both of us. He's been like a brother to my husband for years and he's kind of becoming like one to me now too. Whether they're there for you or for your husband, especially during/after the wedding, the "sides" really become blurred in the best way possible.
Do any of your FH's groomsmen have spouses or girlfriends that could maybe come along to the party? That may be a little weird depending on how well you know them, but it's worth a shot. Our wedding ended at 5pm so we went out to dinner with a big group of people afterwards (it was 11 of husband's friends and 3 of mine, lol) and then after dinner we hung out with a few people in our hotel suite until around midnight... and that group was husband's best man, a groomsman, one of husband's other friends and his wife. I hadn't known her super well previously, but she and I bonded like crazy that day!
Try to focus on the people who are there, and I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you're going to be so full of love and happiness and surrounded by so many people who love BOTH of you, that you won't even feel the hurt from the people who aren't there or who haven't been there as much. Let me know if you want to talk more because I totally relate to your feeling down about this and I feel so hard for you
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Master September 2020
Jessica · on June 10, 2019 at 7:04 PM
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I’m so sorry! I can’t offer any advice, but I just wanted to offer some support because this forum SHOULD be a place you can find support and understanding. I don’t think you should promote your BM to MOH because I assume there’s a reason you didn’t ask her in the first place and it does feel like just filling a role. I would totally feel frustrated if my MOH went on several trips leading up to and then told me she couldn’t afford to come to my wedding, so I understand how hurt you must feel that her last minute desire to go to Cuba was more important than using that money to stand next to you. My MOH is planning to move across the country, from Colorado to Boston, about 6 months before my wedding and I know she had these plans before I got engaged but I’m sure going to miss her. She’s really the only good friend I have, other than my FH of course, and he has a whole group of close friends he sees regularly. Over the 6 years we’ve been together I’ve gotten closer to a few of his friends, but until recently they were all single so I sometimes felt like the odd one out. I see no reason you shouldn’t go out with your FH and his BM for a combined bach party and have a good time. My FH wants to do a combined party too because we’ll have more fun together as a group and neither of us feel a need to have a “last single night.” If you can’t get together with your girls for anything at all, maybe you can do something just for you to make you feel good and relax. I used to hate going and doing things by myself, and then I had kids, and sometimes it still gives me anxiety, but sometimes it’s really nice to just go treat myself to dinner or get a massage. I hope you enjoy your day! Wishing you the best!
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Savvy December 2015
Woman On The Go · on June 10, 2019 at 7:16 PM
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Is the wedding soon? This is a tough one because destination weddings always have smaller attendance, and an itinerary for a week is a pretty big commitment. It's not surprising that a bridesmaid or your MOH might have to drop out (especially if the destination is far?), but I know it must be really stressful and disappointing. I'd tell her that you'd like for her to be there, but if she's still not committing/buying tickets as you get closer to your date, I'd let it go. You've tried to make it easier for her, if she can make it work and wants to, she will. I wouldn't even worry about asking someone else to be MOH, you don't have to have one. The wedding will still be beautiful!
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VIP September 2019
CDickman · on June 10, 2019 at 7:33 PM
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A week is a long time unless I read that wrong. Will she make it for the actual wedding just not the whole week?
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Super August 2019
Samantha · on June 10, 2019 at 8:32 PM
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She won’t be there for any of it and the entire week is by no means an obligation, just option. I only asked them to be there at least the day before and after. Both girls needs flights but the day before I’m gifting hotel stay and offering the night of and after if it helps them out too.
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Super August 2019
Samantha · on June 10, 2019 at 8:33 PM
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It’s in August and the week itinerary I made is optional. FH and I will be there and made the itinerary in case anyone wanted or could come earlier so they could hang out if they wanted. The Bach party is also planned the weekend before.
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VIP September 2019
CDickman · on June 10, 2019 at 8:47 PM
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Ok I am sorry that is stinky.
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Super August 2019
Samantha · on June 10, 2019 at 10:25 PM
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I have one other close friend I thought wanted to ask to be a bridesmaid but was trying to have a smaller wedding party so ended up only choosing 2, but it was a tough call. Would it be too late or awkward to ask her and send her a nice “proposal” box??
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on June 11, 2019 at 10:44 AM
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It depends on the person honestly... she would definitely be aware that she was added on last minute. Depending on the person and on your relationship with her, she may be thrilled to be part of it even though she was added on last minute. But some people may be offended by that. If you do ask her though I’d be honest about the fact that its last minute. Don’t try to act like it’s not late lol. You could say something like “we originally agreed to only have a couple people, but I couldn’t imagine my day without you as a bridesmaid” or something. Is she someone who would be offended by not being in your original top 2? Most people know if they’re your top 2 or not, and would be honored to find out they are #3. Not like you had 8 or something and then added her as a 9th last minute. But only you know her and how she’d react!
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