Boundaries or impoliteness?

View Quoted Comment I definitely don’t think that behavior is acceptable. I never once implied it was. I do think speaking to the person themselves is the best option, but not everyone thinks that way. All I meant was that you seem to have very strong opinions and I think the way you go about expressing them may be what rubs people the wrong way, ie your FBIL being offended by what you said (even if not directed at him) or your FMIL being offended too.

View Quoted Comment Okay thanks for your input. My FMIL did not take what I said offensively. She’s offended that I won’t hug her son who did me dirty.


I’ll continue telling my loved ones the truth, IF they ask for my opinion or excessively complain to me about something. I learned my lesson that next time I do this, I’ll say it in the privacy of my own home when no guests are present.
I once had a woman who I did not even know come up to me when I was at a botanical garden and she told me that she was concerned about me marrying my future husband. I gasped and asked her why. She responded, “Honey, I know his brother very well because he’s been renting out a bedroom from my son for the last 15 years. He’s a very irresponsible young man and I’m just afraid that your FH won’t be a good partner and if you have kids he may not help you raise them, just like his brother neglected to do so.”
😯😯😯 I should not have complete strangers approaching me about how they are concerned about my upcoming marriage based on the actions of my FH’s brother. I told the woman thanks for your concern but ma’am we are not our siblings and I think you should judge my FH off of his own actions, not others’.
If I wanted to be really opinionated I could have told his brother this story but I’ve been politely quiet.

View Quoted Comment What you said is perfectly on point for anyone dealing with people who are terrible. You don’t have to allow toxic people in your life.

No you are not being rude, you are setting boundaries while still being cordial. It sounds likd your FBIL is pushing his insecurities onto you.

View Quoted Comment I disagree with this. I dont think what she said was nasty, it was honest. The fbil was offended about something that had nothing to do with him bc of his own insecurities about letting his child down.

Holy cow, your BIL has created quite the mess that ever so nicely puts himself in the center for people feeling sorry for him, giving him attention, etc.

Has he said he's very offended/reacts in an offended way during said handshake? Or does he shake your hand and MIL comes in to rescue him afterwards?

If it is in the moment - address it then. Ex: Bro goes in for hug and gasps when Simone shakes his hand, ask him nicely "is something wrong?" "why won't you hug me?" "I was uncomfortable with some of the things you have been saying about me. a handshake is my current level of comfort"

If it is later on, I would address it as soon as it is brought to your attention. Ex: after diner MIL pulls you aside to say don't be rude and just hug BIL. Immediately find BIL, excuse yourselves and ask him if he felt you were being rude why he talked to MIL instead of you directly? Continue conversation similarly to above.

In either scenario, know that you are not in the wrong, and family asking you to just "not be rude" is trying to sweep this under the rug and avoid a fight. Go into any conversation with him in a non-confrontational way and keep an even temper throughout. He will likely get defensive when he is finally getting called out for poor behavior and may try and make this into a confrontation, but don't fall for that otherwise more new rumors will surface. Luckily your FH is on your side in this, and if it comes down to it, the two of you can minimize or eliminate contact with BIL until behavior improves. You do NOT have to hug anyone you don't want to.