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Just Said Yes April 2021

bm whose so isn’t invited to wedding...

Kara, on April 16, 2021 at 7:36 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 22

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I’ll be a BM in one of my best friends wedding in November . My BF and I have been dating for over a year. We started dating right before COVID quarantines so he’s only met my friend and her fiancé a few times. When asked to be in her wedding (back in December), I thought it was pretty obvious that he would be invited to the wedding. Four months later, I called to ask her a question about the Airbnb we’d be staying at for the wedding and asked about hotels for my BF, and she said “Oh, Im sorry you assumed that, but there will be no plus ones for the wedding party. But if you were a guest, he would’ve been invited!”
Hm...ok? I get her reasoning based on the fact that the WP would be tied up all day and their guests would be without them, blah blah. And it’s her money, she can spend it on whoever she wants.
However, when I broke the news to my BF, he was NOT happy. He now feels slighted by my friend and her fiancé (who are both good friends of mine) and basically doesn’t want to be friends with them anymore...2 of the BM are married and their SO are groomsmen, so not a problem for them. And the other 2 BM are single, so not a problem for them either. Which makes me the only BM who’s been impacted by this sudden mandate on plus ones. I don’t know what to do - is my BF overreacting or do I need to say something to my friends about it? It’s just a wedding, but I fear this is going to ruin the relationship between my friends and my BF in the future.

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22 Comments

Latest activity by Judith, on April 19, 2021 at 4:28 PM

Devoted October 2021
Gabby · on April 16, 2021 at 7:40 PM
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She has that whole thing backwards. If ANYONE gets plus ones it should be bridal party.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on April 16, 2021 at 7:41 PM
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I would back out now and do not attend in any capacity. That is rude and nonsensical, not to mention I would question that friendship. What many people do not realize is that a significant other is NOT.a.plus.one. A plus one is a random stranger for a single unattached guest. A significant other is a package deal/automatic invite. Thete is no way around that because it is extremely disrespectful.
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Super December 2020
Anais · on April 16, 2021 at 7:55 PM
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I have never heard of someone not being able to bring their significant other just because they’re in the wedding party.
You should just respond that you’ll be a guest instead then
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on April 16, 2021 at 7:55 PM
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Hmmm sooo...... You’re just like another vendor or something?? Are you just another prop for her wedding...?? Hmm. ‘if you were a guest you could bring him, but because you are the person that means the most to me that I can’t imagine my day without, you don’t get to bring your SO’??! .... umm yeah.. this is probably one of the most ridiculous things that I’ve heard that a bride has said to someone. At this point, I would decline being a bridesmaid, and if I were you, I would probably also decline attending. that is so unimaginably rude. ESPECIALLY If it’s your bridal party!
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Devoted August 2023
Hhh · on April 16, 2021 at 8:04 PM
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The relationship (or lack of) between your friend and your bf is irrelevant, he is clearly important to YOU and thus should have been invited. I’ve been on the other side of this situation. My BF at the time did not want to push back and it became one of the issues that led to our eventual split. Not saying that the same will happen to you, but it does essentially make you pick if your friend or bf is more important... and you aren’t picking him.
That said, wedding planning and costs lead to people doing crazy things (read the posts here to get an idea!) So maybe sit her down and calmly explain the situation. Ask how she would feel if FH was excluded when they were getting serious? Tell her how happy you are to help celebrate her relationship, and you want her to also appreciate yours. If she refuses to change her stance, then you have a choice to make: her or him.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on April 16, 2021 at 8:16 PM
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Also, all of that money that she wants you to spend towards her wedding day, you can easily take that money and go on a nice little weekend getaway with your SO… skru the dress, shoes, make up, gift, and everything else she expects of you. Take that money and put it towards something you want like a nice romantic cabin weekend with your bae
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Devoted September 2021
Sylvia · on April 16, 2021 at 8:47 PM
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I would sit down with her and try to respectfully have a conversation about this. As PPs have mentioned, bridal parties especially should be allowed to bring their SO.
If she declines and stands by her decision, I would respectfully decline and step down as a BM and attend as a guest.
If you do decide that, your friendship may be affected though. I’m sorry you’re going through this! I hope all goes well.
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Dedicated September 2021
Melissa · on April 16, 2021 at 8:51 PM
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I would excuse myself from the bridal party and come as a guest. She's got it backwards. WP always get a plus one.
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VIP July 2017
Becky · on April 16, 2021 at 9:08 PM
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Your BF is. not. a. plus. one. He is your SO and as a result you should have been invited together as a social unit. Your friend is off her nut.
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Dedicated August 2021
Lw · on April 16, 2021 at 9:15 PM
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I would side with your BF. If you get to bring him as a guest, I would attend only as a guest. I guess unless you want some alone time and to not bring your BF...
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Expert March 2023
Catherine · on April 16, 2021 at 9:23 PM
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I echo everyone before me. I would very calmly talk to your friend and explain how you and your boyfriend feel. You’ve been together for over a year so he is a significant other- she definitely has this backwards. If she stands by her decision, again, I would calmly backdown and attend as a guest where you and your boyfriend could attend together.
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Super May 2021
Stacey · on April 16, 2021 at 10:40 PM
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I have to agree with others that her response is irrational and quite unnecessarily cruel. Were it me, I would probably decline to be in the wedding party and tell her that I would still love to attend and celebrate with her as a guest (but I’d also be prepared for her to negatively overreact). She is in the wrong, and I wouldn’t go along with it just to keep the peace at the expense of your relationship.
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Devoted October 2021
Kk · on April 16, 2021 at 10:44 PM
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So we know how the bride and your BF feel about the situation, but how do YOU feel? I think that's a question you need to answer before moving forward. If I were a bridesmaid spending all sorts of money on a wedding and the bride refused to honor my relationship, I think I would need to reevaluate that friendship. Do you see this situation effecting your friendship moving forward? If you confront the bride, there's a good chance that it could get ugly, so you just need to be prepared for that. But your BF is absolutely not overreacting and it absolutely will effect his relationship with your friends. I'm so sorry that you've been put in this situation.
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Beginner April 2022
Cassandra · on April 16, 2021 at 11:30 PM
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Honestly it depends on your relationship with each, you bf doesn't HAVE to like them. And they don't have to like him. But it is her wedding. You almost certainly will lose this friendship if you back out as a bm over a bf not being invited. But! There will be a chance your bf will feel a way about still going.. If you know why your friend didn't invite him then explain that to him what it means to you to be there. You're not walking out on him or anything, but if he cares about how you feel then he should be more understanding of the situation.
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Super April 2021
Tiger Bride · on April 17, 2021 at 2:45 AM
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This makes no sense, if anyone gets a +1 it's WP
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Super July 2023
Eniale · on April 17, 2021 at 12:55 PM
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A lot of people here are much nicer than I would be in this situation.
This was straight up rude on the part of your friend, period. There is no way around it. 110% unapologetically rude with zero excuse.
Let's be clear: she is asking you to spend money on a dress, shoes, jewelry/accessories, and probably hair and makeup. You are most likely also being expected to pitch in for a bachelorette party, buy a wedding gift, and depending on your job/schedule, to take time off for her wedding and multiple wedding functions like rehearsal dinner, bridal shower, and bachelorette party. And she can't extend an invitation to your partner?
The wedding party excuse is just... ridiculous. If you were married, she wouldn't invite your husband because you're in the wedding party? He isn't some rando you picked up on Tinder, he's your boyfriend. He isn't a "+1", he's your boyfriend. Maybe she needs to have that explained to her in no uncertain terms.
If anyone had dared invite me to a wedding without my husband when he was "only" my boyfriend, I would not have attended, period.
That is a fast way to ruin a friendship, and that is on her 100%.
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Super July 2023
Eniale · on April 17, 2021 at 12:57 PM
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"You almost certainly will lose this friendship if you back out as a bm over a bf not being invited."
No, the bride will almost certainly lose this friendship because she is rude and inconsiderate.
And calling him "a" boyfriend is super disrespectful. He isn't "a" boyfriend, he is her boyfriend.
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Beginner April 2022
Cassandra · on April 17, 2021 at 3:08 PM
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My apologies if I disrespected you Kara. I meant in no way to, I do wish you all the best in this situation tho, situations like this can be hard.

And thanks Enaile 🙄 it's not like I was figuratively speaking or anything. Not everyone views partnership the same as you.
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Super February 2022
Grace · on April 17, 2021 at 10:26 PM
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I think your boyfriend may be slightly overreacting but he is not wrong either. Completely agree that your friend is being oblivious to your feelings and making you decide between your BF and her. Sit down and talk with her. Definitely point out that you are the only BM affected by this decision. Hopefully she changes her mind. If not, I would say step down and go as a guest.
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Expert November 2021
Sara · on April 18, 2021 at 12:01 AM
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Your BF is not overreacting. Your friend is 100% in the wrong here.
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