Mrs. H
Master September 2019

BM dropped out… insists I find a replacement. WWYD?

Mrs. H, on July 25, 2019 at 8:45 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 16
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A little backstory... one of my bridesmaids is pregnant (about 3 months along). She'd gotten sized and placed her dress order before she found out she was pregnant, and when it came in, she was only about a month along at the time, so it fit great. Fast forward to yesterday evening... I received a text from her stating that the dress no longer fit, and that there was nothing the seamstress could do, as my BM is only going to continue to grow in size until the wedding. We are two months out from our wedding, and to rush order a larger dress would cost more than the dress itself, so that isn't an option. She is insistent that I find somebody to take the dress and take her place.


At this point, I'm not sure to do. I suppose it's also worth mentioning that this particular BM has become an absentee friend over the past year in general - having stated in the past that it's difficult for her to be happy for FH and I because her boyfriend/father of their child (soon to be children) won't propose; told me months ago that she was attending my bridal shower (we even texted the week prior about it), and then she just completely ghosted. Whatever, life happens - I get it. BUT, needless to say, I'm not too distraught that she's dropping out, and I know she wouldn't be upset whatsoever if I did find someone to replace her, but I'm not sure that's the right decision either, as I don't want anyone to feel like a secondhand choice. Thoughts?

16 Comments

  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    I wouldn't add someone else, especially not this close to the wedding.

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  • Amanda
    Super June 2020
    Amanda ·
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    I would handle this situation delicately if she means anything to you in your life outside of the wedding. Perhaps the pregnancy has made her feel like she is now in a different place and that is why she has been absent. I’ve had two children and can vouch for pregnancy being exhausting and somewhat alienating if your friends are not pregnant as well.

    Sit down and talk to her one and one and see if the issue is really about the dress or something else. You can always have her wear an alternative style of bridesmaid dress if it’s truly about the dress and how she is feeling about her body. If it is an issue that stems from her feelings towards marriage due to her situation with her significant other than maybe it would be right for her to step down and not bring those feelings into your wedding weekend. I would 100% talk to her in person and get the full scoop.

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  • Melle
    Rockstar June 2019
    Melle ·
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    I wouldn't replace her either at this point.
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  • Danielle
    Master June 2019
    Danielle ·
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    Just over a month before my wedding one of my bridesmaids dropped out. However, I had a friend that I grew close with over the past year...closer than all of my other friends, and really wished she was a bridesmaid. Especially since I was having bridesmaid regret about some of my other choices. Anywho, I reached out to her and told her how much it would mean to me if she was one of my bridesmaids, but understood if she couldn't do it because of the short notice. She was so excited and honored that she immediately accepted. I am glad I was able to have her stand with me on my big day. She wasn't a "second choice" per say, but at the time of asking bridesmaids we hadn't hit that level of friendship yet, and I was trying to keep my bridal party smallish. Anyways, she completely understood and everything worked out great.

    Is there anyone that you wish you could of asked, but didn't at the time for whatever reason? Last minute replacements, aren't always "fillers." However, if there isn't anyone else you want to replace her, then there is nothing wrong with continuing without replacing her. Just tell her that you are sorry she has to drop out, you understand, but you will not be able to replace her this close to the wedding.

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  • Mrs. H
    Master September 2019
    Mrs. H ·
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    I know for a fact that this pregnancy has been difficult for her, and I've been very understanding of that. The last thing I've ever wanted to do (for any of my girls) is inconvenience them in any way, leading up to and during my wedding - which is why I don't want to push her to remain in the bridal party when she is so very adamant about me finding someone to replace her. She is more than happy to attend as a guest and has expressed that. Honestly, I think she'd feel more comfortable that way - which is fine. Really, I'm just wondering if I should take her suggestion and find a replacement or leave the bridal party as-is

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  • Mrs. H
    Master September 2019
    Mrs. H ·
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    I can't say I've necessarily had bridesmaids regrets, but I will say that I know she has a lot going on now that she's pregnant, and at times I've felt like this might be too much for her. I would've never asked her to step down by any means, and I still very much value our friendship and know she does too. I just think she'd feel more comfortable attending the wedding as a guest - which is fine!

    From the beginning, I wanted to ask FH's 3 female cousins (who are hosting my bachelorette party) to be in the wedding party; however, that would've put my initial number at 9, and that was just too many IMO. I would love to ask one of his cousins, but I know it's very last-minute notice at this point, and I'm not even sure if they could order a dress for her in time. I'm fine with uneven sides, but both my former BM and FH thinks I should ask someone else; hence why I'm torn

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  • Danielle
    Master June 2019
    Danielle ·
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    I get why you're torn. What is their reasoning for wanting you to ask someone else? I'm guessing you already told them that you really don't want to ask anyone else, and would like to keep it as is?

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  • Mrs. H
    Master September 2019
    Mrs. H ·
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    BM feels horrible that she isn't able to fit in her dress, and she knows that her bouquet and hair have already been paid for, so I guess in her mind, she doesn't want to "ruin" the wedding - even though I am almost positive we could get a refund on both the bouquet and hair, and even if we can't - it's fine! I already told her all of that. She'd just be out the cost of her dress, which she also doesn't care about.

    FH knows that BM and I have sort of grown apart over the past year and knows how close I am with his cousins, so he feels like I should ask one of them instead.

    I did tell her that I wouldn't want to replace her, but she was super insistent, and I honestly just feel like her heart's not in it and hasn't been for a long time - which again, is fine! I just get the vibe that she wants me to replace her so that she can attend as a guest.

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  • Danielle
    Master June 2019
    Danielle ·
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    I gotcha. Well you'll just have to decide what YOU want to do. I am sure whatever you decide, your FH and ex-BM will be supportive.

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  • Mrs. H
    Master September 2019
    Mrs. H ·
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    Thanks, @Danielle! I really appreciate your support and advice.

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  • Alyssa
    Devoted October 2019
    Alyssa ·
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    At this point I wouldn’t replace her. Just leave it as is.
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  • Mandi
    VIP March 2020
    Mandi ·
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    Since she cant get a bigger dress without a rush fee, neither will the next girl. It sounds like she's trying to get you to replace her and she'd like to recoup the cost of the dress from her replacement.
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  • Mrs. H
    Master September 2019
    Mrs. H ·
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    I never considered that aspect, but it does seem that way. She said if I do find a replacement to fit in the dress, they can always pay her the cost of the dress instead of reordering a new dress with a rush fee

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  • Jenna
    Super October 2019
    Jenna ·
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    I would just tell her you understand and not discuss finding another bridesmaid with her any further. She will be out the cost of the dress and I know it's a bummer but it's how it is. Unless you've had a growing friendship with someone recently and didn't know them as well when you selected your party, I definitely wouldn't ask anyone. Even if that's the case, there's a chance you will offend someone anyway. And as someone else mentioned, unless they happen to wear the same size dress, there will be a large rush fee for their dress too.

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  • M
    Devoted October 2019
    Melodie ·
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    Personally, I wouldn't have anyone else fill her place, for the same reasons you already mentioned. It's weird that she is insisting that you find someone to take her place AND fit into the dress. To me, that just means that she is concerned about getting paid back for the dress, she's not really concerned with your wedding party. (I'm not saying shes a bad friend or anything like that, but it's odd that her focus is on the dress.) I would just leave your party the way it is and move on. I'm glad that it sounds like you are both more than okay with her being a guest.

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  • A
    Master October 2019
    Angelena ·
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    It's too late to select someone else. I wouldn't want to be a replacement in a wedding this late in the game and have to pay for a dress, etc. I would just go one short.

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