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MrsJackson
Super October 2018

bm can't afford to be in wedding

MrsJackson, on December 31, 2019 at 11:52 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 21
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So my best friend and I are both BMs in our friend's wedding. My best friend told me that she won't be able to afford being in the wedding or to travel since it's out of state.

I told her that she should at least let the bride know before it gets closer to the wedding (August 8, 2020), and she agrees but doesn't want to upset the bride. She's not very good at confrontation.

I don't plan on telling the bride at all, but I feel bad knowing that my best friend can't afford it and the bride knows nothing about that.

21 Comments

Latest activity by MrsD, on January 2, 2020 at 1:26 PM
  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag

    Your friend should definitely tell the bride. One of my friends told me the day before we were supposed to go dress shopping for the bridesmaids dresses. She failed to request off work even though we planned the dress shopping around her schedule because she was the only one to work weekends. I was of course upset she couldn't make it, but then she admitted she couldn't afford to buy the dress or travel to the wedding which was only 45 minutes at the most from her house. I knew something was up because she kept ignoring me when I asked for her new address to send her a save the date. I was really hurt and upset, but I understood. We had a falling out afterwards about an unrelated topic and we are no longer friends. If I were you, I would encourage your friend to be honest with the bride especially because if the bride finds out later on that you knew she might be equally upset with you for not telling her. Even if your friend just texts the bride that she isn't able to attend because of finances. Something is better than nothing, but your friend needs to tell her ASAP.

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  • MrsJackson
    Super October 2018
    MrsJackson ·
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    I appreciate the advice. I just know my best friend procrastinates and waits until last minute. Then she gets upset at me for pushing a subject that she doesn't want to talk about.

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  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    You're welcome! Does the bride have any clue that your friend can't afford to be a bridesmaid or is she totally clueless? Normally, you ask your bridesmaids their budget before purchasing a bridesmaid dress. Wasn't sure if you guys had purchased your dresses yet and if so if the bride checked with you beforehand. I know I had a bridesmaid drop out after I lost my job because she was one of my coworkers who I was friends with and she didn't feel comfortable being in my wedding after I was fired. I had already purchased all of the gifts (3 of them) I planned on giving her as a bridesmaid. I was really upset because not only did she drop out of my wedding 3 months prior, but I had already spent a bunch of money on gifts I purchased for her and I couldn't return or sell them because they were personalized gifts.

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  • MrsJackson
    Super October 2018
    MrsJackson ·
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    The bride knows that my friend wasn't able to afford the bachelorette party and that she's not exactly financially stable. I just don't want my friend to wait until last minute to tell her, since the bride is already stressed from planning a wedding.

    The bride didn't necessarily ask us about budget, but told us to just pick a floor length, any shade of pink dress.

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  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    It sounds like the bride is semi-aware of your friend's financial situation. A lot of brides are now just giving the bridesmaids a choice on what they wear so that makes sense that she didn't ask about budget then. I know from my experiences I was very stressed out with the drama my bridesmaids caused. If your friend hasn't purchased a dress yet that might be a clue to the bride that she can't afford it, but it is still early to pick a dress so the bride might not think anything of it. I totally get your concern about your friend waiting until last minute. This is definitely a tricky situation and your best friend never should have put you in this position. On one hand, you could tell the bride your concern, but then your best friend will be upset with you for doing so and on the other if you don't tell the bride and she finds out you then the she will be upset with you. Is there any way the three of you could sit down and talk? Maybe your best friend would feel more comfortable if she didn't have to tell the bride by herself.

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  • MrsJackson
    Super October 2018
    MrsJackson ·
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    Unfortunately, the bride lives in a different state than me and my friend.

    I just know my best friend, and she procrastinates and waits until the last minute to do something she doesn't want to do. She also gets upset if I bring up something she doesn't like to talk about, so it's a lose lose situation for me.

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  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    I'm sorry she is putting you through this as that is totally unfair of her to do. Unless you want to be the one to tell the bride which I know you don't then I don't think there is really much you can do. The only real option I can see would be if you talk to the bride, but that isn't necessarily your place and your best friend would probably be upset if you did. Your best friend should have been honest with the bride from day one.

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  • MrsJackson
    Super October 2018
    MrsJackson ·
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    I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I'll try to get my friend to tell the bride again, but I doubt it'll work.

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  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    It unfortunately sounds like your friend is going to do what she wants. I think having your friend just text the bride would be the best solution. With the bride living in another state, it's not like the bride can easily come to her house to confront her or anything like that. I think I would try phrasing the conversation with your friend like this, "Imagine if you were getting married and one of your bridesmaids knew they couldn't afford to attend, but kept it from you how would you feel?" Maybe she will be more responsive to that. If she can put herself in the bride's shoes.

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  • Kiara
    Super August 2021
    Kiara ·
    • Flag

    I FEEL SHE SHOULD TELL HER NOW SO SHE KNOWS AND MAYBE SHE MIGHT SEE WHAT SHE CAN DO TO HELP HER

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  • Jennifer
    VIP August 2021
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag

    I would encourage your friend to tell her ASAP. You said she is a procrastinator, so you'll have to kind of guilt trip her into doing now "Think of all the time {bride} has put into this wedding. Please don't make it harder on her by waiting until the last minute"

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  • T
    Devoted May 2010
    Theresa ·
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    If she wants to avoid confrontation, she should tell the bride now. If someone told me they couldn't be a BM 6+ months in advance, great! I'd be sorry she couldn't be a BM, but she'd still be invited, and we'd move on. If someone knew 6+ months out and didn't tell me because she was afraid I'd be mad, I'd be even more mad. Then the confrontation would happen!

    Best to be honest now, so the bride can plan accordingly.

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  • Dulaney
    Savvy June 2021
    Dulaney ·
    • Flag
    1) I don’t think it’s your place to tell the bride, but you should talk to your friend
    2) there’s bound to be some drama/gossip that follows this. Do your best to avoid it and just be there to support the bride
    3) is there anyone else out of state too? You can all work out a carpool situation 4) Suggest some extra money making options(donate plasma, sell extra clothes on eBay, have garage sale)
    • Reply
  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    Could your friend travel with you to the wedding since you guys live in the same state?

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  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    I agree 100%. I would be more angry if she knew she couldn't make it months ahead of telling me. I would think the bride's reaction will be better the sooner she tells her. I was livid when my one bridesmaid dropped out less than 4 months before my wedding.

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  • M
    VIP September 2019
    Mrs. Bubba ·
    • Flag
    I made sure to advise my Bridal party that I only wanted them to participate if they were absolutely certain that it was going to be affordable for them
    to do so. I didn’t want to take 💵 out of anyone’s household budget.

    I specifically did NOT ask my first Cousin or her daughter (in Middle School) to participate as I already knew that she couldn’t afford to do so.
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  • Mson
    Savvy February 2020
    Mson ·
    • Flag
    Will her financial situation change or has she thought about setting aside a sinking fund to cover expenses between now and the wedding? And does she think she absolutely won’t be able to attend or is she just overwhelmed by the cost? I think there are a few different ways she could go about it including a variation of bringing up the topic with the bride and also maybe saving little by little to cover expenses If that’s an option. If she drops out this early and later finds she can adjust things to fit her budget, that would not be ideal. However I think it’s a great start to have the discussion with the bride before making any major decisions. I always like to hold on to hope, she may be able to work something out in her finances where she can afford to be there without stretching herself too thin. Miracles are all around us, I’d tell her to say a prayer, put aside some savings and talk to the bride, hoping it will all work out and I’ll say a prayer too!
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  • thisismrsb
    Expert June 2019
    thisismrsb ·
    • Flag
    I have a friend who RSVP'd on time to my wedding, but was not able to confirm her travel arrangements until a few days before the wedding, mainly due to her finances. A couple of weeks before the wedding, I saw her post on Facebook asking friends if she could borrow a dress for the wedding. Her budget for traveling to my wedding was zero dollars, she told me. She lives about 183.4 miles away from me. She saved what she could, cashed in points for gift cards on her various apps,
    purchased her plane tickets with her flyer miles (I think) and my friends offered her their guest room for the weekend. She made it! Now she is trying to do the same for our friend's destination wedding.

    If you life close, you can offer to take your friend thrift shopping for her dress, unless the bride has specific requirements that would prevent this. Also, see if you can help your friend make arrangements for carpooling to the wedding. At my wedding, one of my friends needed help to pay for her hair and makeup, so my mom covered the difference. Maybe, if you talked to the bride with your friend, you can come up with a way to make it work for her, or she can just carpool to the wedding as a guest or "honorary bridesmaid."
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  • MrsJackson
    Super October 2018
    MrsJackson ·
    • Flag

    Unfortunately, we can't do a carpool since we're in Texas and the wedding is in California. My friend is going to have to buy her own plane ticket, unless the bride offers to pay it for her. Even then, my friend wouldn't want to take the money from the bride.


    She only works part time, and wouldn't be able to save up enough I don't think. She already has other things to pay for and worry about, so I don't know if she'd be able to save for the wedding on top of her regular finances.

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  • Kelsey
    Savvy December 2021
    Kelsey ·
    • Flag

    Tough, tough situation. I do think that you should try and have your friend picture herself in the bride's shoes. Wedding planning is so unnecessarily stressful, the longer she waits the more it almost guarantees a freak out from the bride. I'd offer to be there when she tells the bride, whether she does it by text or a phone call or whatever. Ask her if she would do this if it were YOUR wedding. Hit her in the feelings if you have too.


    If worse gets to worse, you may want to hint to the Bride that there's reasons to start a conversation. I know this will be unpopular, but if it comes out 3 months before that you knew and didn't say anything, the Bride might be so stressed she will be mad at you too- not because it was your job to let her know, just because it is another, unexpected factor. The Bride already knows she won't be able to afford the Bachelorette party, so this shouldn't completely blindside her.


    If your friend won't grow up and do the mature thing, you're going to piss one of them off regardless of what you decide to do, so you might as well hint to the Bride something is up.

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