BM backing out

If all you've done is ask her how she's been, have reached out to her, and didn't require anything more of than to buy the dress (which is not unreasonable, considering your date), I'd want a damn sharp definition of her accusation including the word "mistreated". If she said she didn't feel comfortable being a part of your wedding, I would have swallowed that -- I might have swallowed it with initial bitterness, but I would have swallowed it and moved on. However, the word "mistreated" is huge. The definition of that accusation (which is what it is) would be: "To treat roughly or wrongly, or to abuse." I couldn't let that go if this woman were my dearest friend or relative. I'd require an answer as to how she was treated roughly, wrongly, or abused."

It's okay to say, "On second thought, I can't swing it with the kids, the job, the bills, the house, etc.", but putting it on the bride-to-be with words like "mistreated", well, then it's time to woman up, act like a damn adult, and explain herself.

Does she mean that you're mistreating her? Has she had conflict with the other wedding party members?

If you truly think that you've not asked anything of her, then I would think let it go. If you suspect conflict, then try and get to the bottom of it and fix it.

Another idea is to take the wedding out of it and offer to take her to lunch?

I agree with Rachel, the use of the word "mistreated" makes me suspect that something has happened that originated with you or that you're not aware of.

@Jacks she backed out of the BS & Bach party today (shower date 9/9) and my MOH confronted her about it since the dates been established since April. I saw all the messages from the convo (from MOH) and it didn't seem bad to me but she pretty much said "I don't deserve to be treated this way" and then went silent. I tried texting and calling and have yet to receive a response

She probably feels like others are jumping on her for not being able to attend.. maybe it's a touchy financial subject?

Yep, I think that your friend didn't really deserve the confrontation from your MOH. Parties are always optional. She's not wrong.

I apologized for my MOH jumping on her but why back out? That seems so reactionary to me.

It sounds like this is an issue between her and the other BP members. Maybe they were making demands for money that she wasn't comfortable with.

There may be a back story that you're unaware of? Anyway, a good rule in life is "always assume positive intentions". I'm sure she's not trying to ruin your day. It deserves a conversation. I would caution you to stay "on her side", if you want to maintain the friendship.

Weddings ruin friendships, I've seen it time after time on here. I'm sorry this is happening.

Perhaps there were more conversations with the other BMs and the MOH that you're not aware of, and maybe your friend feels singled out by the rest of the wedding party and is uncomfortable dealing with them. Maybe whatever is going on has made her so unpleasant that she'd rather attend as a guest or not show at all. I would try to get to the bottom of this and fix it as soon as possible.

She's backing out of optional parties, not, as far as you've disclosed, backing out of your wedding. Why would she do that? If she were my good friend, I'd find out what happened -- especially since you are obviously in the loop of the planning for these totally optional, attendant financed parties.

We have no idea why she decided to back out of your shower and BP today, but the fact that her conversations/messages with the MOH were shared with you -- the lady who is not supposed to be involved in the planning of the shower or the BP -- leaves the road wide open for drama, drama, drama.

Why you're getting updates about any of this confuses me.

Sorry, but this has the smell of drama all over it. Somebody seriously upset her -- I guarantee it.

I agree with both Catti and Rachel! I think there's more to this story. It's not up to you to ferret that out, but it is up to you to have a constructive conversation with your friend.

@Rachel she backed out of the wedding and all optional parties. And the only reason I found out about this is because I wanted to know as much of the story as possible for when I talked with her.

Agreed with Rachel on everything here. Sounds like your MOH might be treating her badly, which isn't really YOUR fault I guess. BUT, if your MOH showed you the messages and she was criticizing the BM (for not being able to attend the Bach/shower or whatever else), I probably would have spoken up. I highly doubt your BM is using such serious language for no reason. You should investigate, and not to convince her to change her mind, but to ensure the friendship is repaired.

Reach out the best you can. You can tell her that you are sorry she feels this way and that your friendship is more important than anything. If she isn't comfortable telling you why, honestly, that is her right. If you still don't get a response. Let her know that you love her, you wish you could change things, but you accept her decision. If this isn't resolved by the wedding...reach out to her, again - when you fully have time to devote, after the wedding. Do your best. It takes two sides to make a friendship work. She must be willing to hold up her end. I'm sorry this has happened. There is obviously something you aren't being told. Some people just aren't WP material, also. It is also not your MOH's job to confront her about any optional parties. Good luck.