I’ve only been engaged 4 months and I want to cry. I’ve been to so many venues and I’m trying my best. My fiancé and I are religious, but I feel like that’s our main stressor. My parents don’t like that we’re not getting married in the church and I’m moving away from Catholicism and joining my fiancé’s church. I get through that hurdle. Now, my fiancé and I don’t live together but we would love to move in to build on our communication and time together. We both have hectic schedules but we understand. But of course, we get a lecture about how we have to wait till we’re married. My fiancé’s pastor recommend we have a civil marriage and then a wedding and I’m thinking about it, but I just fear my family will disapprove and that could cause lots of trouble between me and them, and my fiancé. All we want is to be married but it seems so difficult and the planning is starting to become stressful rather than fun. Our religion is important but I feel it’s causing trouble as well. Help!
If you want to live together that's completely up to you. It's not up to your family to make the decision. If they don't like it hopefully they will get over it. Personally I think living together before marriage is important because it is a big transition and you'd hate to move in together after you are married and then find out you can't stand living together.
Congratulations on your engagement! I'm sure that it's very stressful, but at the end of the day you have to do what is best for you and your fiancé. Try not to stress and just enjoy your engagement. You definitely shouldn't feel like this only 4 months after being engaged.
Just remember to do what you want, not your family. If you guys want to live together, do it. Yes your family will be upset for a while but they'll get over it. My fiance and I have been living together for almost 2 years now and I could not be happier that we did. You see sides to each other you would never see otherwise. And personally I feel it's best to see that side before you say I do.
Marriage means leaving your families and creating a family of your own between the 2 of you. That is what your focus needs to be- building the most healthy relationship between the 2 of you. If you & FH feel living together prior to marriage would be a healthy step in your relationship, then should do it. Now is the time to start setting boundaries with your family and make them realize that you are an adult and it’s time for you to start focusing on what’s right for this new stage in your life. Plus, study on top of study has proven over & over again that living together prior to marriage is incredibly healthy and helpful to the relationship. You and FH need to prioritize your relationship and do what’s right for it; and it’s ok if what’s right for you isn’t what’s right for your parents’ relationships.
I understand about being torn between doing what you think is right and the strong views of parents I assume you love and respect. However, if you are old enough to get married, you are adults and it's definitely time for you to make your own decisions. You can be respectful about understanding that your parents may not agree with your choices, but they are your choices to make. If you and FH are on the same page about what you want, then it's time to establish stronger boundaries with family so you can move forward building the lives and family you want. Good luck!
Do what you think is best for the both of you. Your family will have to learn to cope with the fact that you are building a new life with your soon to be husband. In my opinion, waiting until marriage to live with someone is risky, I needed to know what it was like to spend 24/7 with this man before I decided to spend the rest of my life with him. My fiancé’s family is very, very catholic, when we told them we were not getting married in the church it was a huge ordeal. We both consider ourselves catholic but there are just some practiced we cannot agree with and we didn’t want to be hypocritical, the church was also charging THOUSANDS of dollars. But we stuck to our decision and did what WE wanted. We hired an officiant who could deliver a “catholic feel” ceremony and incorporated my moms mantilla from her wedding 49 years ago (it’s a Hispanic/Cuban thing that symbolizes unity) and you know what, it was beautiful and I don’t think anyone even thought twice that we weren’t in a church.
So anyway, I wish you all the very best!! Do what makes you happy, you only get married once 😊
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As I told my friend going through her family trying to dictate her wedding is that you need to do what makes you happy. Your families opinions are their own and I think you two should do what makes you happy because if you do not put your foot down they are going to dictate your life even during marriage. I will say this could cause a rift between you so if you are not ready for that then do what you need as I am sure your family is important. However, I agree that I am glad I moved in so we could see if we are compatible to live together and handle house hold decisions and can he financially take care of things as I knew I could lol.
Are you in the US or Europe? In the US the civil ceremony and big wedding are one and the same..but are separate events in Europe.
You are an adult so you make your life choices without parents' influence. They can judge all they want but that doesn't mean they get to decide for you. They need to learn to respect your choices. If they can't then that's on them and they don't get to make you feel guilty about anything. Set up boundaries and stick to them. Tell your parents no..that if they do not respect you and your choices, there will be no further contact.
If you want a solid relationship and marriage, you need to move past what your families think. Your relationship involves you and your fiancé. You are not engaged to your family. Do what you think will be best for you and your fiancé.
I've had this very same fight with my own mother. He was raised catholic but has no desire to continue to practice and I'm LDS but am not currently real active. Before covid we wanted our own place and decided moving in together was a good idea. There was a fight with my mom and I simply told her I have to live the life I am comfortable with then her health has gone down hill and now she needs care so she will have to live with me which is fine. His parents don't like the idea of him moving out cause he'll be lonely and he's not married yet.
Only advice I offer is you and your fiancé as a couple need to make the choice and make peace with it. Your life is not your parents life and they will not like every choice but you are not a child and you do not need their approval to do something.
Agree. This is about you and separating from your family. Your family will have to accept you leaving Catholicism and leaving their household to start your new family. As a recovering Catholic, I struggled with the same issues and decided NOT to move in w/my then-fiance. Turns out, once I was married and moved in with him, he became a huge a-hole and we got divorced several years later. In any case, I was mad at myself for not listening to my gut and my desire to live together first. It's REALLY hard to get married and move in with someone all in one fell swoop. Good luck!
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LOL I think I going to start referring to myself as a recovering Catholic. It's funny if you think about it: the church frowns upon living together before marriage, but also doesn't recognize the divorces that occur because the couple didn't/couldn't realize that often times relationships completely change when you start living together.
But as PP have said, this is a decision that should be made by you and your FH alone.