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Dedicated March 2020

Bestman dilemma

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Erica, on January 17, 2020 at 10:21 AM

Hello lovelies! So My future husband and I have a slight dilemma. My grooms best man is a serial dater (not the problem). But when we sent the save the date he was dating a girl whom he had been with for 6 months and we hand hung out with her a few times so we were fine when he asked if he could bring her. However he broke it off with her shortly after. So we gave his plus one to a family member we had on the “waiting list” essentially since we had already hit our cap and assumed he would not be bringing someone else. We sent out the invites and the best man called wondering why he only had 1 seat reserved. He then told my groom that 2 months ago he started dating someone and he had already purchased plane tickets for her and accommodations (it’s a destination wedding). We have never meet this girl and my groom feels his friend probably won’t be with this girl for long since the best man doesn’t want a serious relationship. So my FH told him it would be weird to have her at the main table, in our wedding photos and that we’d have to pay additional cost for her. The best man agreed it would be weird but still pushed that it would put him out if we don’t include her. My groom also suggested that there was no issue to have her attend the welcome drinks event at the wedding after party, just not the main event...but the best man still pushed back. With A small amount of time till the wedding, I’m stressed about what to do. We have a relatively small bridal party and we’ve known all of our friends in the bridal party for 10+ years and all of their spouses have been around for a long time (which is why we decided to have everyone at the main table) and we’re all friends except for this random lady he wants to bring. We’re trying to find a compromise by asking if we could sit her at another table just during the dinner part of the reception...is this unreasonable???? (Sorry for the long novel)

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Dedicated March 2020
Erica · on January 17, 2020 at 5:43 PM
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I understand you logic completely and understand that it was a miscommunication on both ends. The main thing is he didn’t tell us she existed or that he wanted to bring anyone. I’m all for her coming because we of course want happy guest and all but I just don’t think it’s unreasonable to request to not have her at the bridal table. We have a small bridal party of very close friends so it’s not like a huge bridal party she can just get lost in. Thank you for your input lovely
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Dedicated March 2020
Erica · on January 17, 2020 at 5:45 PM
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Thank you everyone for your input. It’s just frustrating and an extra inconvenience in an already stressful situation with the wedding planning. The struggle is real! But I appreciate any and all feedback
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on January 17, 2020 at 6:59 PM
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Absolutely agree.
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October 2020
Fleur · on January 17, 2020 at 7:26 PM
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It’s funny I just read this post bc someone at work today reminded me there would be some kind of wrench in the day; I guess this is yours. Ugh. Good luck!!
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Devoted February 2020
Allyson · on January 17, 2020 at 9:18 PM
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The way that we got around this is that we didn’t give anyone a plus one, we invited their SO’s by name. It honestly sounds to me like this is what you were doing as well, and the ex girlfriend wasn’t a random “plus one”, she was a separate guest. I hate plus ones and we didn’t want any randoms at our wedding, so that’s why we didn’t use the words “plus one” at all to anyone. When a friend’s SO (invited by name) RSVPd that they couldn’t make it, their partner (or ex) didn’t assume that they could bring another person. I think everything here revolves around the verbiage that people use in regards to that extra person and that people harp on the “plus one” terminology and etiquette too much; if you don’t want random people at your wedding and don’t want to pay for them, that’s totally okay. Your friend knows other people and wouldn’t be all alone regardless of whether they have dates and he doesn’t. Anyway! Haha. I think what everyone else said is good! I don’t think what he did is right, and I would be really put off and surprised by what you’re going through. It’s so generous of you to allow her to attend the wedding (She could have enjoyed a relaxing day to herself in a fabulous destination location, NBD) and they should not be pushing you for even more generosity. She can sit where you put her and be thankful to be present at your special day.
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Master May 2020
Kari · on January 18, 2020 at 10:49 AM
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Oh that would irritate me to no end. I would be way less willing to accommodate if the BM just went ahead after asking if he had a plus one, being told "probably not, let me check", and then didn't wait for you to get back to him (4 days is a super reasonable timeframe, it's not like you had him on the hook for months).

I think you two are being so gracious in eating the cost of the extra guest and allowing her to attend, and totally get wanting to have your wedding party sit with you the way you originally envisioned (and not wanting a complete stranger up there with you). Sorry you are going through this and hope it works out. Sounds like you are willing to compromise but also have a clear vision and reasonable expectations, so I'm confident you'll find a solution that works for you. Best of luck!
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Dedicated October 2019
KAREN · on January 24, 2020 at 1:30 PM
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Usually I would say it would be ok to fight back, but this is his best man, not a regular guest. Let him bring her (or whomever the flavor of the week is at the time). It's only right.
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Savvy June 2023
Kara · on January 26, 2020 at 8:46 AM
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Anyone in the bridal party should 100% get a plus one, especially the best man.
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Dedicated August 2020
Hope · on January 26, 2020 at 10:30 AM
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Question - why would she be at the main table? even if they were married, she wouldn't be sitting there because, from what I've ever seen or been a part of, the main table is for wedding party only and significant others are seated together at their own table.
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Dedicated March 2020
Erica · on January 26, 2020 at 11:18 AM
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She’d be at the main table because we have a very small wedding party of 4 and due to this we plan on seating the significant others at the table as well. This is also the case because my groom and I have known our bridal party spouses for over 10 years each and are all friends save for the best man and his new lady. I’ve seen both done at different weddings. We came to a conclusion so all is good
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Dedicated March 2020
Erica · on January 26, 2020 at 11:19 AM
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Thank you everyone for you input!!! We have come to a conclusion where both the best man, the groom and myself have agreed upon. Thank you again!
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Dedicated August 2020
Hope · on January 26, 2020 at 1:26 PM
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That makes sense, and it's your wedding - you can do whatever you want
but I do think it's a tad odd to have a stranger at your table- who knows, though, she could be totally awesome and "the one"
congrats and best of luck!
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