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Beginner November 2020

Best men dropped out twice

Madilyn, on May 2, 2020 at 9:46 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 14

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Bride here. My fiance and I are pretty introverted and most of our friends (and all of our close friends) are online. My fiance asked his best friend of twelve years to be his best man and he said no but he would be a groomsman. He didn't feel he could handle the "pressure" and said asking so far in advance (2 years into a 4 year long engagement) made him feel unsure because "a lot can happen in two years". So my fiance asked his second closest friend who he felt he had a very similar relationship with. He said yes and seemed pretty excited. Well he just dropped out for similar reasons even stating that "he doesn't think they are those kinds of friends" these two men have been my fiances closest and longest friendships and they were and are the only two people he feels he could ask. Now he feels like he has to beg at least one of them to stand up for him or wait around for one of them to change their mind. I want to talk to them but he's asked me not to. I just don't know how I can be supportive in a way he needs. All my bridesmaids were so eager and supportive and he feels like his groomsmen will only sand up for him out of pitty.

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14 Comments

Latest activity by Anna, on May 12, 2020 at 12:26 PM

Savvy September 2020
Jackie · on May 2, 2020 at 9:53 PM
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Hi! If I were you I would encourage my fiancé to re-ask his first choice with the exception of taking away some groomsmen duties or revisiting the duties that he would be comfortable with once the wedding gets closer. Many man are afraid of any sort of commitment so I can understand why they’re afraid to say yes when it’s over 2 years away.
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Beginner November 2020
Madilyn · on May 2, 2020 at 9:55 PM
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Here's the thing- the only things we are expecting them to do is show up in the right suit and say a short speech a dinner. That's it! I just feel like his friends have made this about them and how *they* feel about their friendship and not at all about supporting the man who asked them. Because obviously if he asked he feels differently.
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Master July 2021
Rebelle Fleur · on May 2, 2020 at 9:56 PM
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He doesn’t have to have a best man. He can just have groomsmen. He shouldn’t feel pressured to have one.
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Savvy September 2020
Jackie · on May 2, 2020 at 9:57 PM
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If that’s the case then I would agree with Rebelle and just not have a best man OR if he really wants a best man to revisit the conversation 6-8 months before the wedding.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on May 2, 2020 at 10:00 PM
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Honestly it sounds like neither guy is the right choice if they’re dropping out for reasons like “I don’t think we are friends like that”
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Super November 2020
Natalie · on May 3, 2020 at 2:45 AM
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If they are also introverted, could it be the “giving a speech” that deters them from wanting to be best man and not their friendship status with your FH? That seems to be the only difference between best man and a groomsman, but it could be a big deal for someone uncomfortable with public speaking. Just a thought!
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on May 3, 2020 at 7:20 AM
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I would revisit this when the wedding is closer. I agree with the guy that said asking two years in advance is way too early as relationships can certainly change. Eleven months prior to my wedding, I asked someone who was my best friend for 10+ plus years to be my maid of honor only to find out a few months later she was badmouthing my husband and I to other people. Needless to say, we are no longer friends and she wasn't in my wedding. Never in a million years would I have guessed that would happen. My advice is to hold off until a year before the wedding to figure out who the best man is going to be.
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Beginner November 2020
Madilyn · on May 4, 2020 at 8:08 PM
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*I should note that we are months till the wedding the first guy said no two years ago (and again when he was asked later) and then the guy wh I did say yes quit this week.
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Beginner November 2020
Madilyn · on May 4, 2020 at 8:09 PM
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*six months
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Master 0000
Judith · on May 4, 2020 at 8:57 PM
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Do you work on your friendships, invite friends to do things with you, come to your home, and share common interests that you participate in together? Friendships don't just happen. Your own description of things does not sound like you have a lot of time or energy invested in these guys.
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Beginner November 2020
Madilyn · on May 4, 2020 at 9:27 PM
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They live in Michigan (we live in ohio) We have gone up there multiple times- even just for a few hours. The man who just stepped down helped us move when we bought our house but other than that they have turned down every invite for every party and eventweve invited them to.. But we talk and play online everyday.
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Master 0000
Judith · on May 4, 2020 at 10:00 PM
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Keeping in touch or playing games is not the same. It sounds to me like you need to make an effort to meet some people you see in real life, not online. When the virus is not such an issue. Friendships do wax and want, an periodically people need to work on developing friends. We live in a spread out rural area, and it is challenging for many to make friends.
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on May 5, 2020 at 3:10 PM
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It doesn't sound like they actually think of you guys as friends like you consider them. This is probably because you just play online games with them. I can't imagine how well you actually know these guys. It sounds like your fiance needs to pick people he has a closer relationship to.
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VIP October 2020
Anna · on May 12, 2020 at 12:26 PM
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Are there anyone that your FH is closer to, even if they're family?

Granted I don't have a better situation. My FH just is not close to anyone, but he comes from a family that is fairly isolated (reclusive even) and he just hasn't invested much into relationships with coworker (they're not that great from what I've been told) and he even still felt isolated from church family for different reasons. Anyway, he asked one of my best friends' husband to be his best man. We both felt that anyone standing up with us should not only support our marriage but also have similar values and beliefs regarding marriage and God.
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