Best friend/moh can't attend the wedding

Ha. I have this exact problem. One of my MOH's who I have been best friends with for years and years told me in January she is expecting and her due date is, go figure- on our wedding day. I posted about this and got a lot of heat on it. How I am selfish that she is due on our date. How I am not a good friend that I feel a little miffed about it. But guess what? I am allowed to feel how I feel about it. I am over the moon for her, of course, but something about it rubs me wrong as she knew about my wedding for about 8 months prior to getting pregnant, had said they were waiting to try until this new year so she could be there, as I was there for her and her wedding on EVERYTHING last year. Well, they clearly didn't wait, and she also had suggestions for my bridal events that were clearly catering to her own schedule and where she is located versus hat my wishes were months before I got the news. So part of me is a little....meh on it all. But what can you do? I am a bit removed from the shock now, and I have accepted that she and her parents and close friends (who were all invited to my wedding) will not be there. There's just no way. If she were to attend, she'd be SUPER pregnant and may go into labor that day, and shouldn't travel at all. If she has just had the baby, she needs to attend to him 24/7. It just doesn't work. I am sad, I have planned this forever with her, but it is what it is.

The only thing you can really do is try to support her. It hurts, and you'll probably feel a level of resentment about it, and that is OKAY. But, at the end of the day, a life is more important than just one day of celebration. You can meet up with her later, and celebrate in some way then. If she is anything like my MOH, she feels a little bit of guilt about it. So, comfort her, sit with your feelings, vent to others, and support her. Just try to see beyond your wedding. I'm with you, sister.

You definitely have the right to be bummed and mourn the loss of having your bff with you on your big day! Just remember she is bummed she can’t be with you too and was probably dreading telling you know it would hurt. You both will just have to be supportive from afar and make the best of a great and bad situation.

Ugh!! It literally is like a dagger to the heart! She is more a sister than a friend and I just can't imagine not sharing all of those memories with her. I mean I guess we both can't do anything about it.
Did you promote anyone else to your MOH OR just not have one?!

Wah this is so hard.

View Quoted Comment You're definitely right!! I'm over the moon excited for her - maybe after the inital shock and sadness wears off I will feel a little better about the whole thing!

We contracted our baker and paid half for our deposit. Then at the end of January she told us she’s pregnant and her due date is our wedding. Although I was and am happy for her and her family, it was really awkward explaining that I wasn’t comfortable with her being due on our wedding day. She had no “back ups” planned for if she couldn’t make the cake and I just could not risk it. Also I just would not want her to worry about it if she went in to labor. So after some awkward conversation she finally agreed to give us our deposit back and void the contract. She was the best baker! I’m bummed. I cannot imagine if it was my MOH. That breaks my heart to even think about.

You definitely have the right to be bummed about your MOH not attending but I would encourage you to continue to be delighted for her, reach out to her, share some wedding details with her, ask her about the little babe, and just remember this is an exciting time for both of you on different levels.

I know now you didn’t specifically say this but I would encourage you not to feel resentful, as cbryns, suggests is okay. Accidents happen and even planned pregnancies - well if every single couple waited for the best friends to have a wedding before they started a family, we would have no more babies in the world. So please don’t take her advice that resentment is okay - she’s having a baby! And she probably needs you right now just as much as you need her and any sort of negativity is not going to foster a healthy friendship.

Have regular phone dates and Skype dates and just remember that a long distance friendship is a two way street. You need to both be making the initiative to communicate regularly (I live in a different country than my close friends now so I know). Bounce some wedding ideas off her, help her come with baby room decoration ideas, or whatever. And just be happy that you’re both about to have what you will likely remember as one of the top three best days of your life (getting married being one and birth of a child being another). Get excited because you’ll get to visit each other later and you’ll probably be known as Aunt Amanda to this baby since you’ve been close with the mom so long.

Also one of my husband’s closest friends from childhood (he’s probably known her about 20-23 years) couldn’t attend our wedding for the same reason. Her little babe was born on our wedding day and we got to meet him over the Christmas holidays and while we’re bummed she wasn’t at our wedding, meeting her little guy was so special.

My best friend will not be attending either due to a huge unexpected cost. I've told her many times that I understand, but I can't help but feel disappointed too. It's okay to feel disappointed! Your wedding is a big deal too and it's always a bitter sweet thing when two major events happen at the same time.

Your feelings are completely understandable! One of my best friends since 3rd grade is no longer a bridesmaid because she found out that she is pregnant and her due date is like 10 days before my wedding. She is trying to be involved with everything else (dress fittings, bridal showers, etc) which I truly appreciate. It was something I had to get over and is completely fine with the situation now and I think you will too because at the end of the day, the focus is about you and your FH. With your friend not being there, don't let that ruin one of the most important days of your life.

You're allowed to be a bummed out that she will no longer be able to be in your bridal party. However, you should also be SO EXCITED for her! As her best friend, you get to be excited and become an Auntie to her little one. Definitely have regular facetime/skype/phone dates so you guys can keep each other involved in the wedding planning/baby planning (if that's something you're both into). You both are at incredible points in your lives and BOTH should be celebrated! Is there anyway you'd be willing (and she would be willing) to have her attend the wedding as a guest (if baby allows?) Or make a special trip to see her after wedding/baby, she is your best friend afterall!

I agree with Sarah, if everyone waited for their best friends/siblings to have babies before they got married, there would be no babies in the world!

((Also, we are going through some similar things as one sibling is currently pregnant (will have an under 1yo for our DW) and the other sibling is 'trying to get pregnant soon' and will likely either have a child or be pregnant (hopefully!) for our wedding. We are just rolling with it.

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I want to be clear - I was not trying to "encourage" resentment - I was just saying that it is okay. You are going to feel how you're going to feel. If you continued to read my message, I went on to say it is important to remember that a life is much more important than a wedding and that she needs to be supportive of her. I am not trying to say "hold a grudge" because that is clearly unhealthy. And resentment doesn't necessarily mean towards HER - rather just in general about the situation. Just wanted to clear that up. I am not a negative Nancy, and I think it is important to celebrate both events and support each other.

I'm just having the hardest time thinking my best friend who I've shared ideas about this day with for years - won't be there. Ugh I hope this gets better after the initial shock. 😢

Yes you have a right to feel the way you feel. However do not post it on social media for all your family and friends to see. Post anonymously some place like here so you get some perspective.

While I understand your feelings as I know the pressure and emotions while planning your wedding and wanting everyone to be there, I think you need to try to see this from a different perspective. I am on the opposite side of this so maybe my view might be useful to you.
I have a friend’s wedding abroad (12h flight) next year and while it wasn’t on our plans to try for a baby for at least a year, covid has changed a lot the situation. I travel a lot and obviously I am now not expecting to travel for at least a year which makes it the perfect time to conceive. Also our house buying plans just fell. I have also checked and even if I was a couple or even 5-6 months away from my due date, doctors might forbid me to fly, or Covid...
In addition, having a summer baby would be better for us so my husband could have a longer paternity as its his low season months and same for our parents and sister, which would mean extra help on the most difficult months.Last but not least, having so many close friends that have had miscarriages and issues to conceive for years, has really put time relativity And life into perspective. And a few months delay could make a massive difference as it might block them mentally if after waiting, they did not conceive fast. I think its good you already know she is TTC as it will give you time to heal and see how you can enjoy this important year for both. I know how stressful it is to be planning your wedding and wanting everyone there with you, I actually had 4 gf not able to come to my wedding, but just think that this is your important day, not theirs. And we all need to put ourselves into the other person’s shoes.

You will never kmow fully why she is choosing to try right now. I don't think it would be right to say anything about it. People have their own lives and that's okay. Hopefully, she will be able to make it even if she is pregnant.


I would never hold off getting pregnant, for anyone's wedding. Not ny best friend's, not my sister's, no ones. I will be there for them in their marriage and hopefully on their big day, but part of marriage is that your new family comes first every single time.

View Quoted Comment I agree with your perspective. A wedding is one day, your marriage is for life. A wedding is one day, your friendship with the MOH shouldn't be less important. Her wedding is one day of the MOHs life, but she's trying to *have a baby*.
I think some introspective is needed from the OP (the 2020 one lol) - this is like a reddit "AITA" and...yep. You may be disappointed and stressed right now, but zoom out and realize that you're getting angry at a *hypothetical* baby of the person who is supposed to be your best friend. Does that seem like the rational or best course?

View Quoted Comment I’m a bit skeptical.


Let’s say your sisters wedding was in 10 months. She told you the date four months ago. You just got married and she did a ton of work for your wedding plus $$$. She asked you to be her MOH. You’re the only member of her bridal party. You’ve been close with both of them since the start of the relationship. She’s laughed and cried to you about boys for years, and you’ve listened and helped as she’s had great times and fights with her current man. You’re going to think “screw all that, imma CHOOSE to start TTC right now, and I’m unwilling to wait four months for no one.”

That she considers you her friend, but you're really not acting like it. ✌️

View Quoted Comment I am very close with my sister and she is my MOH right now. She has put a lot of time and energy into my day. I would 100% not delay pregnancy for her wedding. She knew she was asking someone who is married and we would have to have a frank discussion about a plan B if I did get pregnant. We both have the same (strong) feelings about the importance of taking the time to conceive and not waiting for certain things to pass or fall into place before doing so. After seeing a friend miscarry 4 times before the age of 25 with no known complication/underlying condition, I know that nobody is guaranteed an easy time conceiving.

View Quoted Comment Also I do get why you're disappointed. This situation sucks. I do think what you did for her wedding was a gift, and you shouldn't have the expectation that someone will give the same to you. Presumably, you did what you did for her because you love her. In my mind, that shouldn't be a factor here

View Quoted Comment I think what hurts the most is that I feel like she doesn’t consider me her friend as much as I consider her mine. I would 100% wait a few months to TTC so I could be there for her on her wedding day, without hesitation.