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Savvy June 2021

Being a bridesmaid and a bride problems

Jerrica, on September 1, 2021 at 2:29 PM Posted in Planning 0 16

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I need advice *again.* I feel I'm too emotionally invested to made a reasonable decision lol.

So our wedding is December 4th. Financially FH and I were on track. Then 2 months ago our beloved pet had an emergency situation. It cost us quite a bit of money. FH and I didn't discuss financial issues with family because frankly, that's our responsibility and no one else. So we silently decides to cut some of the plans for our wedding. We were just delighted our cat is going to be ok. Now, 3 months out from our wedding and making every penny count, my sister who is engaged (and is to be married 10/15/22) tells me I need to buy my bridesmaids dress for her wedding asap because she heard it's being discontinued. This dress is nearly $300. And frankly, I don't have it. So I politely told her I can't right now due to the cat, and I'd have to step down as a bridesmaid. She then suggests since my money is so tight, why don't I push my wedding back a year. Mind you, we already pushed back a year because of COVID and we were so excited to be getting so close. When she made the suggestion I told her I would let her know, and then I hung up the phone and started to cry. I don't know that she meant it the way I took it, but it hurt. FH and I do not want to push back our wedding, but now we are deciding between cutting even more from our wedding or firmly stepping down as a bridesmaid. I've tried picking up extra hours at work, but I don't have many opportunities there. And if I do get extra hours, FH says we should use the money towards OUR wedding and adding back things we wanted, not towards her wedding. .... help?

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16 Comments

Latest activity by Jerrica, on September 2, 2021 at 10:57 AM

Expert March 2022
Melinda · on September 1, 2021 at 2:34 PM
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I'm so sorry she said that to you! Honestly I would be upset about it. Her wedding is more than a year out. You do not need to get a bridesmaid dress right now- discontinued or not thats very selfish of her. I would tell her you will step down or she can pay for it and you can pay her back after your wedding.
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Legend July 2022
Lisa · on September 1, 2021 at 2:37 PM
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She might not have meant it the way it sounded, but her asking you to push back your wedding so you can afford to buy an expensive dress for her wedding seems out of line. To me, it comes across as her asking you to put her wedding before your own wedding. Not sure if that was her intent or not, but that's how I read it. Would she be willing to buy the dress for you, and you pay her back at a later date when you have the extra cash?
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Super December 2020
Anais · on September 1, 2021 at 2:38 PM
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I agree with PP. that’s actually a pretty selfish response from your sister, and idk if she thought maybe you were having financial problems affording your wedding so she made a recommendation, but if the conversation was about you not being to pay for the dress then I don’t get what your wedding has to do with it.
It sounds very like “you can’t pay what I want you to pay so you need to cut down on your other expenses in your life” which is super rude.
I’d also just talk to her again and say you can’t afford it right now so either you drop out or maybe she fronts the money and you pay her back later.
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Master October 2023
Cece · on September 1, 2021 at 2:39 PM
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First of all, I am SO sorry you have been put in this situation! Although I am sure being a bridesmaid in your sister’s wedding is important to you, I have to agree with your FH- your finances at the moment should go towards making your own wedding exactly what you want it to be. $300 is a big ask for a bridesmaid dress! Plus, bridesmaids usually do not order their dresses until 6 mos before the wedding. Your sister suggesting you push your wedding back another year in order to finance a bridesmaids dress for her wedding was incredibly selfish and insensitive! If you being a BM is truly important to her, she will either purchase your dress for you (which you can then pay her back for after your own wedding… or she can make that your wedding present), or she will choose another dress that is not being discontinued for her BMs, which can be purchased at a more appropriate time.
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Savvy June 2021
Jerrica · on September 1, 2021 at 2:41 PM
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We honestly didn't get to talk much after she made her suggestion because I didn't want her to know I was on the verge of tears. And now it's been a little over a week and I'm not sure how to nicely ask her to pay for it in advance.
I definitely felt like she asked me to prioritize her wedding, and I totally understand it is an important day, but, it just felt like the feeling didn't go both ways. I'm trying to convince myself that's not what she meant, and maybe she had my best interests at heart. But idk.
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Savvy June 2021
Jerrica · on September 1, 2021 at 2:45 PM
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Also, not that it makes this wedding any less important, but it is her second wedding. For her first wedding I did a lot to help her plan, decorate, I paid for my dress and our other sisters at that time, and did my absolute best to make the day as stress free as possible for her. So I feel she should know I *would* do these things this time for her if I could, but I just can't now. And at this point with my wedding, it's down to getting rid of our wedding cake so I can pay for my bridesmaids dress. We cut so much already that all that's left is cake as optional. It still feels like a kick in the stomach. Ugh.
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Savvy June 2021
Jerrica · on September 1, 2021 at 2:52 PM
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Thank you all for helping me feel like I'm not being selfish for wanting to step down. I was feeling terrible for even considering stepping down to choose myself over being there for her. At least I can stop feeling guilty for that lol.
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Devoted May 2022
Allison · on September 1, 2021 at 3:01 PM
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$300 is a lot for a bridesmaid dress! You are 100% not being selfish!
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VIP April 2022
CountryBride · on September 1, 2021 at 4:27 PM
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Don't push back your wedding because your sister wants you in a 300 dress have the wedding you want and keep the date I am so sorry to hear about your sweet cat but am glad it's feeling better
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Expert May 2016
needmorewine · on September 1, 2021 at 4:34 PM
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She's being really selfish. $300 is too much for a bridesmaid dress. I wouldn't spend that much regardless of my financial situation. Did she even consult you about your budget prior to choosing the dress? If it's so important to her that you be her bridesmaid and she knows you're struggling financially then she should pick up the tab for the dress without expectation of repayment. You shouldn't have to sacrifice important things in your life in order to be in someone else's wedding party.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on September 1, 2021 at 4:56 PM
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First, $300 is a lot of money to spend on a bridesmaids dress, especially with her wedding being so far out. I didn’t even purchase my wedding dress that far out. Second, the fact that she suggested postponing your wedding as a solution to you stepping down as a bridesmaid should show you exactly the kind of person she is. I would just follow up with her and say that you’ve considered everything and need to just attend her wedding as a guest.
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Super September 2022
Ashlee · on September 1, 2021 at 6:09 PM
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I would just have a conversation about expectations. I would let her know that as you have your upcoming wedding and additional financial responsibilities pertaining to that, you're unable to purchase a $300 dress to her wedding for over a year from now, but when you do have that money, you'd be more than happy to purchase a dress. If that's not something that she's able to work with, either talk to her about fronting the money and repaying her or let her know that you'll be more than happy to step down and celebrate with her as a guest.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on September 1, 2021 at 9:51 PM
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Wow. Yeah, I can understand how you feel. As Ashlee said, offer to purchase the dress at a later time when you have the money or/ offer to step down as a BM.
Glad your cat is OK!
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Layla · on September 2, 2021 at 10:14 AM
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I can see why you were upset by her suggestion. $300 is a LOT to pay for a bridesmaid dress. How many bridesmaids does you sister have? If there are only a few, I think it's on her to buy the dresses if she is so specific about it. That's what I'm doing because I don't want anyone to spend their hard earned $ on a dress for MY wedding. But I don't know if that's the norm.
In your talk with your sister, did you also mention that you're needing to make cuts to your own wedding due to your budget? If so, that could be why she suggested you moving your wedding back. I think that would make sense and I'd be ok with that. But if the only money-issue that came up was you not being able to buy the bridesmaid dress, then I think her comment was selfish and out of line.
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on September 2, 2021 at 10:42 AM
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What your sister suggested was utter nonsense, and I hope she didn't mean it. Also, $300 for a discounted bridesmaid dress is ridiculous. There are discounted wedding dresses that cost that much.

Prioritize your own wedding. If she wants you in a matching dress that badly, she can pay for it.
Put more value in yourself
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Savvy June 2021
Jerrica · on September 2, 2021 at 10:57 AM
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I wish I could hug all of you lol. I appreciate all your words. I'm going to probably see my sister this labor day so I will talk to her then and hopefully in person it will go smoother.
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