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Bad bride etiquette

Christine, on August 30, 2022 at 2:53 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 12

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My best friend got engaged a few years ago and his fiancée asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. I was really excited for them! We have been friends for years and bi’s fiancé and I became what I thought was good friends. During Covid they really kept to themselves which most people did so I didn’t think anything weird of it. Then I found out they moved near my new house and never said anything to me which I found odd. I haven’t really been included in much except for financially contributing. I was really back and forth about backing out as a bridesmaid since they were not making any effort to get together and it was one excuse after the next. I decided to stay in it for my friend and out of respect for his family. When I couldn’t go to pick out the bridesmaid dresses I sent a really nice text telling her to enjoy the day with everyone. I was away and eloped with my now husband semi impromptu and there was really no acknowledgment from her. My husband met my friend once and has never met the fiancé. I asked if they wanted to go with me to get fitted for the bridesmaid dress and ride together and i was told she would meet me at the store with another bridesmaid. We live 5 mins apart! I went to her wedding shower and everything seemed ok and now it’s back to they can’t never get together, my dress is in and I asked if she wanted to come with me to pick it up and see how it fits and I was given more excuses. In between all this I had a round of IVF and miscarried which she claims she didn’t know even though I told her I was finding out my test results and she never even asked how it went. I feel like I’ve been really let down by people o thought we’re friends. I was married before and we had a large group of mutual friends some are in the wedding also who I don’t have a relationship with any longer. I’m really not feeling good about being in this and it’s two months away. How do I move past this? I don’t want to be a jerk but I feel like she’s using me as just a filler.

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12 Comments

Latest activity by Taylor, on August 30, 2022 at 8:57 PM

Expert October 2023
Bailey · on August 30, 2022 at 3:44 PM
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Christine, I'm so sorry for all of what you're going through. I'm also sorry for being blunt, but I'm 99% sure you are a filler here and I don't think you should feel any obligation to follow through with this if you don't want to. One of my friends was a filler for her brothers now-wife and it was so painful watching her get treated just like you did. You don't deserve that. If you want to continue being in the wedding, I would stop trying to connect with her and just show up day of and be there for the couple.
After that, I would consider backing off of this friendship. It can be really hard to accept that friends you thought were super great turn out to not be so great, but know your worth and how true friends should treat you.
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Christine · on August 30, 2022 at 3:51 PM
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Would it be really terrible for me to just back out? I’ve never done that/been in a position I would want to. I just feel very uncomfortable at this point, I don’t want to even make a big deal out of it, it’s their day. However with that said you shouldn’t treat people poorly like this and expect them to fall all over you. I’ve bluntly asked my friend if everything with his fiancée is ok, I’ve asked if I’ve don’t something. I’ve been told no she’s at a new job, or no she’s been overwhelmed. That’s really not a good excuse if you want someone in your life you make time. We literally live a few mins apart from each other. I’ve had a few friends say that she could be being weird because my status changed drastically and were in different areas in our life. I’m still ok with that and understand but it still doesn’t excuse everything going on.
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Expert October 2023
Bailey · on August 30, 2022 at 3:55 PM
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No, absolutely not wrong of you to step out. I would phrase it kindly, though. I have close and distant friends who are on different pages of life than I am, and I wouldn't treat them the way she treats you-- that's just not how friends work! Honestly, if she asked you a long time ago, maybe she's just regretting having a wedding party. It may not be personal even though it feels like it is!
I would text her, or even both of them and just say "Hey! I hope everything is well. I wanted to reach out and let you know that while I greatly appreciate you including me, I think it would be best if I stepped out of the wedding party. I hope you can understand, and I am so excited to celebrate you and future husband as a guest." Leave it at that. Just be prepared for her/fiance to freak out on you if they really didn't see it coming, but I'm pretty sure bride sees it coming.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on August 30, 2022 at 4:15 PM
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So if I'm reading correctly, your best friend asked you to be on the side of his/her fiancee? That kind of feels awkward from the get go. I would wish them well, and say something like Bailey suggested.
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Christine · on August 30, 2022 at 4:18 PM
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No his fiancé asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. They’ve been together a while and her and I were pretty close pre-covid. All of a sudden the last two years she is super distant and doesn’t respond. I thought I did something so I flat out asked my friend and he said no. Maybe I’m overthinking it but one min she’s not “getting texts” the next when I ask about where she’s registered for her shower the phone works.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on August 30, 2022 at 4:20 PM
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Yeah, I'd just walk away politely from being involved in the wedding.
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Christine · on August 30, 2022 at 4:27 PM
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Thank you for commenting. I’ve been really torn and don’t want to be a bad friend. However part of being a good friend in my mind is being there for each other. I thought maybe they felt uncomfortable because I married someone a few years older than me with a teenage daughter so obviously my situation has changed/ matured but I’m also in my mid 30’s. My friend has been my best friend since high school and I don't want to ruin the friendship with him. It’s been on my mind with all of this going on and hopefully another round of IVF soon that I’d also be putting myself around other people I no longer associate with after my divorce. So why should I put myself through this for someone who seems to not care if I’m in her wedding party or not. Hate to say it but that’s how I feel and id rather just be a guest and be happy for them.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on August 30, 2022 at 5:12 PM
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Exactly true. You have other, more important things to focus on. Good luck with the next round!
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Christine · on August 30, 2022 at 5:50 PM
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Thank you!
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Rosebud · on August 30, 2022 at 6:05 PM
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Oh this sounds stressful, I m sorry you are dealing with this. Personally with the wedding being just 2 mths away I would not back out now especially if you want to continue being friends with them. I think backing out now could very well be the end of the friendship so make sure you are ok with that before making your decision. I d chalk it up to wedding stress do my best to lay low and enjoy the wedding and then after the wedding is over have a chat with them if things still feel off. I m also sorry to hear about your loss, that's so hard and people don't always react to sad situations the way we need them too. Sending you a big hug. Whatever you decide best of luck to you!
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Super July 2022
Shannon · on August 30, 2022 at 6:25 PM
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Sorry, you are being treated poorly. Moving 5 mins away from you and not mentioning it is super odd and awkward. I would feel hurt by this and the other things you mention.
If it were me, I would absolutely ask why they did this without telling you. And if they don't answer your call or "don't get texts", I would exit from the wedding. They do not sounds like your friends at all.
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VIP October 2022
Taylor · on August 30, 2022 at 8:57 PM
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It depends. Do you still want the friendship? If so I wouldn’t back out. If you feel your friendship had run it’s course however then I would say back out. I know this must be hard. I had a friend for 15 years who basically wasn’t there for me through one of the hardest years of my life and the. moved when she went into the navy and basically threw our friendship away. I had to accept we’d be acquaintances moving forward because I was worth more than that. I only talk to her/ see her when she comes home every once in awhile. I always envisioned her as a bridesmaid for me but it is what it is. Honestly I don’t know if she cares for you but doesn’t know how to show it or doesn’t but I think you must know your own worth and put yourself first
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